Driftwood on the Brain.

Without you
I am the sunless moon
Waned into darkness
Cold, circling unseen
At the tug of an eternal force
That keeps me in this world

With you
My sun
My light shining and warming all
I'm brilliant within the night's gleaming jewels
Peering upon the day with a curious eye
Passing you by, chasing you
Romantic and mystical
Innocent but eternal

And though
We eternally chase and run
So far away from each other
I feel your warmth still
As your majesty shines within my eyes
The day will come when we shall meet
And slowly I will pass before the holder of my leash
Until your shine gleams a diamond
Where we will disappear into the darkness
Sun and moon together


---


So there's this boy. I've known him for a year now, it seems. No matter how I tried, the click was never there. We couldn't work...but I liked him, and he was there. So we remained friends.

Many times we flickered, but the flame never caught. He never really got over me, not that I am aware of. It waxed and waned, but it was always there when I spoke to him...

A few weeks ago...I had a dream. He was in it. I'd had dreams the previous nights and nights after, with other boys from my past...

...he was the only one who remained in my mind. Lingered, stuck there. I didn't mind though.

I broke up with my boyfriend at the time. It was mutual. I now know he'd wanted less than a relationship for quite a time, but that's another story.

And now...he's given me another chance. I mean...silly things that bug me like him having his hair cut...they just...don't matter to me.

I don't care anymore.

Past times, it has mattered. It has broken the deal.

This time, I didn't care anymore. I feel something for him.

He's been there for me when I cried out for someone to help keep me from hurting myself, from ending myself. He's been there when people have hurt me. He's never hurt me, not on purpose in the slightest...

He called me last night. Almost said today since I've been awake since yesterday. I hadn't been expecting it. I flipped open my phone to read a text and it turned out to have picked up the phone for me. I didn't know.

I like his voice. It's lot better than what I thought it would be. Higher pitched, and comfortably so. I miss him already.

A few weeks...if that's all I truly have to wait to see him...it's just...not even sure I'm taking it in yet. It feels like how I felt anticipating meeting João the first time...but this time it won't be as long. But also...it might happen again in soon time.

I always had these beautiful dreams of meeting (insert person) romantically. I must say, it never, ever happens like that. Ever. Ever. It's the most beautiful awkward, human, friendly thing though. Every moment, every bit of the wait will remain in your memory forever.

It is over forever with João, we shall never be again. Ever.

But we had picked him up at last, and sat in the back of the car, so innocent, the both of us.

We both had the same mind...we'd been together for 2 1/2 years.

He and I caught eye.

There was something there so beautifully perfect in the meeting of our eyes that...no other thing in this would could ever compare. It was true love. It was amore. The purest, the truest, without lust. Hearts entwined in the shortest moment, beautiful.

I hope...

It happens again.

I'm a MARTIAN!

This Marvin the Martian music video that occasionally plays on Cartoon Network cracks me up. I'm not particularly fond of the new Bugs Bunny things, too many childhood memories of the old ones. But I'll admit, they did something right with that video to make me laugh so much.

Found out my first ex feels nothing for me anymore. Rather depressing.

My libido has been insane as of late. Beginning to feel like a cradle-robber in my mind. But I think it's more that I never come in contact with older guys who aren't pieces of crap.

So I thought up this complex scheme last night to satisfy myself. It never played out. I wonder if Chavva would laugh at me :P

I'm not fond of heat. It's making it hard to think.

............

...bah.

Torn Between the Realities.

Buffy has been missing for a time now. My dad theorizes it's due to my absences. I don't.

I have whistled deep and long, vibrating through the foothills far and wide, the dogs in the distance replying. I have called her name and familiar words. I know it is not right.

Without her, my life is empty and incomplete. I love her. My sweet cat, Buffy. Mi amore gato...

But though I cried more than once for her, though I sob as easy for her as I would in recalling the vivid memories of my mom's long and torturing death (for us and her alike), my hypomania keeps me inhumane. A chemical difference. So many chemical differences. Anxiety and cyclothymia. Or bipolar, who cares, it's the same thing but cyclothymia is less extreme and a name less well-known so people don't freak out.

I feel too inspired and it's poetic torture in my heart and soul. Too fucking poetic, my mind is always this silken-spun song of rhyme and rhythm. It's like too much of a good thing...

sigh.

IMS.

My dad has IMS, a.k.a. Irritable Male Syndrome.

Calling me a slob. A liar. Putting words in my mouth. Typing angrily. Making false accusations. Stressing far beyond the normal limit for him.

He gets like this every few months, which makes sense. Every 3 to 4 months goes with my anatomy teacher's explanation of testosterone fluctuations.

It tends to last for weeks.

UGH.

And my mom isn't around anymore so we can roll our eyes at him and try and reason with him.

:/

Blazen broken unkempt solid and untempt.

Solid doth thine emotions bring
Satisfaction in a worldwide ring
I tempt myself with saner rations
Caldwell tolds and paintold passions

Questions asked and cruelty known
I shove you off you filthy groan
Back off like light against the day
Let me light my owneth way

I'm feeling pretty upset right now. People. I hate people. People are pathetic and I hate them.

A lot of people say that. I'm just unhappy. People don't tend to change.

I love my boyfriend. I don't love people I talk to.