All the World we See is Circles.

A few movies everyone should see at some point in their life...I'm going to ramble, stream-of-consciousness is how I type.

Delirious. A stand-up by Eddie Murphy. It's famous but no one seems to know it. Here's how you might know it; think about ever seeing a skit about how white people walk like this, and black guys walk like this...and then Asian guys will be walking all like this. That's from this skit. It's the origin. Not the funniest part of the skit. Personally, I like G.I. Joe and the Bathtub, and the Ice Cream dance. And Aunt Bunny.

Also, Pump Up The Volume. A kid has a pirate radio station. Not on purpose, but it happened and he went with it. He talks about whatever is on his mind; plays a few tunes no one knows, and makes people think. Then he starts to realize...something is wrong with his school. And he ends up making a grave mistake, something anyone could make, but few of us have anyone go through with...and they go after him. It's just...an amazing movie. I love it. And the kiss in it...it's...not perfect. In any way. But...it's just sweet. Shy. Perfectly innocent. In a way...I'm a lot like Mark Hunter. I can talk to myself, to this blog, but not to the opposite gender...I would wander the hallowed halls shy and unnoticed. I can be a perverted maniac but at the same time I blush more than any other girl, just from meeting eyes with the right guy...

The Truman Show. It's brilliant...but my dad calls it a cult flick. I think it's more that...you need to actually have a brain to see the brilliance and the beauty. Truman's life is a television show. But he doesn't know. He was raised from the womb as the star, but the world he sees around him is all fake. It seems real enough; but there are cameras everywhere, hidden, microscopic. They scare him from departing. They planned who he was to marry. He wasn't allowed to fall in love. But...he did. And he never forgot her. And eventually...he started seeing...this world around him, was centered around him. Jim Carrey's the star, and he plays his role very well.

Those are the main ones...

For novels...let's see...

Bambi, by Felix Salten. I love this book. I'm not sure why. I've read it several times now. Felix had no relation to Disney, didn't know him or associate. The novel is innocent and has a slightly religious bit to it. It's a fast, easy read, and, DESPITE being agnostic, I actually find the religious bit (though it never mentions religion) quite wise. It doesn't hurt to read; it's a classic that most people have never read and don't know there IS a novel for other than the Disney take.

Feed by M.T. Anderson is my favorite book of all time. It's hard to find good tragedies. Yes, it sounds ironic. The Feed is the equivalent of a cell phone, computer, tv and more...in your head. You can shop, listen to music, you get ads and learn through the feed. It's installed at birth. Needless to say, with a virtual Google in your head...education has all but been abandoned. The focus is on taking advantage of the feed; that's school. The narrator is of average intelligence for the time. He meets a girl...who is a little different. Who fights the feed. And...it's...beautiful, real, it could happen one day and it's sad. I cried...my dad rated the book among his top 10 favorites of all time. And he has thousands of science fiction novels, right here in this room actually, and has read hundreds...so that's a plus.

Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card. If you need to ask why, well...everyone who has ever read it has loved it. Brilliant novel, unexpected and brilliant ending. Science fiction. It's worth it. Trust me.

Lovelock by Orson Scott Card is also one I like. Made me think. Tragic, but beautifully so. A capuchin monkey with above human intelligence, the assistant to a professor, as professors in that time had. Had to obey. But found a way to fight it a slight amount...it's hard to explain. I liked it though, and my mom did too.

The Family Tree is a shocker. Sheri S. Tepper. Fantasy/science fiction. It made me smile to read, and to be honest I liked the plant in the book. I looked at weeds with a grin after that book. But there's a twist in the middle that...I won't spoil. But you will go..."....WHAT. THE. FUCK.?"

I may say more at some other time. But my mind wandered, and I've rambled enough. I hope I get at least one pair of eyes upon an aforementioned item.

Love is a Flower; Hatreds, Fungi.

So Anzelical Wolfvayne is still as bipolarly manic as she was before. But there's a twist; this time, she is again in that magical time period where she's more fertile than an egg in a sperm bank, and so her hormones are trying (and succeeding) in making her desire procreation attempts. Unfortunately for my hormones, but fortunately (and somewhat unfortunately) for me, I've no way to satiate my cravings right now.

Did have an interesting experience. It made me jealous, but it was sweet and heart-opening. Love-making shouldn't be shunned in the U.S.. Sigh.

Also trying to think of how a 3-way would work. A few times I found some ways it would but I've forgotten them. Just not able to figure it out.

So anyhow, my libido is like a cat in heat. I AM a cat in heat. A shy cat in heat. Which is funny. But fortunately this shy cat in heat has met some decent people who realize that's all she is. It's nice to be entirely open to people. Or have someone to be able to speak to uncensored. Like I did all of last night. It was fun. I haven't talked like that...in...umm...years? Probably that. The mania and libido kind-of added to it though.

Also went bra-shopping. Wal-mart actually had something nice. First time I bought something thinking about who would see it (relating to under-attire). Unfortunately the only matching things were granny panties. Lacey granny panties. Black. And...umm...well...fitted so you could wear an adult diaper under them. I think Jed would like them. ...*shivers*

People wearing diapers should not be wearing lingerie at the same time.

My dad still is poking at everything I do wrong. Sigh. It pisses me off.

Also, Abraham fucking Lincoln texted me today. I want to rip his nuts off :'D ...yeah, I don't take too kindly to people who do to me what he did. He has no right to text me.

Wondering about asking for a job at Rite-Aid. If somehow Erica is fine with me living at Dorian's apartment if they kick St. Charleh out, then it's something I'd like. I'd be around something I love, I'd have access to people who might actually have interest in the things I adore talking about. But as of the moment, I live too far from it and have too little vehicle access. Sigh.

Almost cried earlier today though. I thought about the possibility of moving out, and thought about Buffy. Even if she'd be fine, being without her would break my heart. But I could never, EVER make her an inside cat. It'd be cruel. I would hate myself for it. I love her too much to do that to her...

Sigh, I am exhausted...and horny. And can do nothing about it.

Sure. I've seen a few possibilities of work targets. But nothing's realistic. One's apparently a full-time stoner. The other spent the entire other night at work teasing the hell out of me. It was amusing and hilarious, but he was entirely unserious. I don't think he had any clue about the secret me, lol. My work shirt is too big for me so my curves never show, and I look like shit with my hat and ponytail. I wanted to do something so much though that I spent a couple hours telling and talking to Erica about how much he had no clue he could get if he actually decided to drop me a line. She believed me :P

Unfortunately though I don't see it happening, as I'm far too shy around guys. And when I thought about it later...and from what I've heard, and the way he talked to me once when actually talking in a human voice (lol, normally he's a joker)...I don't see him the type that I still want to find. See, my best friend was...adventurous. I have this desire to be thrown up against a wall and pinned and I need go no further. Just once.

But I get this vibe that, though he's loud and obnoxious, he's actually very sweet underneath and...I dunno. He could have the possibility of tempting my heart, because I'm a romantic and if a guy ever actually 'made love' to me instead of had sex...I may fall.

And not sure I could tolerate someone who chews...even if it smells good. Because he might also drink. And...my mom has ruined my life with that, and I will never recover and can't...I can't do that anymore. I can't be near alcohol, ever...it hurts.

I think I've found how I interpret right and wrong. Right is allowance of choice; wrong is to deprive of it. All great moral issues tend to stem from things where the deprival of choice isn't entirely certain, or is debate-able. Other moral issues...well, they're just...ehh. I don't understand people all the time. All I know for certain is that, well...I d0n't care what you believe, that is your choice, so long as your belief doesn't deprive others of choice. You can hate gays; whatever. I won't agree. But as long as you tolerate and don't deprive them of any rights, it's not wrong; it's not right, but it's not wrong.

Belladonna is a beautiful flower so long as she keeps to herself. (a.k.a. the deadly nightshade)

Charleh and Pierre.

I know a couple people from Australia. One is a nice guy; the other two are shadows from my past. Well. Really annoying shadows. Like beach umbrellas following you around when you want a tan.

Charleh and Pierre. Sure, I got along with Pierre somewhat, despite his being...12? 11? At the time. But Charleh? Living. Nightmare. Not sure if he even had the information to find me or this blog; I never used Nakyr on the forum I knew him from. But when I get 6 pageviews in a day, 5 from Australia, I don't have the mildest hopes it's the one decent Australian; no, no. PMFians tend to stalk.

"Emo Bitch Drama Queen"...thanks for that lovely title. Now that I think about it, maybe Charleh WAS Pierre...in which case Pierre means Vis and my brain is dead. Since when is Australia French...my head hurts. I want a cupcake.

I know people from all around the world. I met an Italian who basically called me a stupid American, bashing me for not knowing much about Italian cuisine and saying all this stuff about how we have stupid fake Italian restaurants. Oh, Omegle.

Ireland and Scotland, two friends. One girl from Omegle I haven't spoken to in a year, another a good friend from an MMORPG I never played (not by choice; complicated) but joined the community of.

Down in Brasil (as they refer to it), people don't care for us calling it America. To them, it's the United States or North America, as they refer to where they live as America as well. Which is logical. Still not sure why they like Soccer.

Let's see...Netherlands, still haven't met anyone there that I liked. One played me, one was intolerant, and the other one? Oh yes. She's the reason I can no longer use my old screen name anywhere public. Stalked me for "stalking" her boyfriend, who was the player who lied to me. Pretty sure she's gone, but still. Fortunately I had a lot of dirt on the guy. I had to threaten him with exposure after she harassed me off of a few websites.

Let's see...where else...umm, well, I know 2 people from India, one was...an acquaintance, the other was a player who played my friend.

Canadians? Yep, know a bunch, obviously.

Japanese, yes; I spoke with someone from there during the tsunami. She found all the jokes Godfrey made hilarious, even though she lived through the tsunami devastation. Thank goodness for a sense of humor.

Knew someone from Hungary; didn't like him. I think he was just a jerk. He looked...very...odd. But I googled and learned, Hungarians looks fine, he was just weird-looking.

I know the most charming British boy as well.

Distance is in the eye of the beholder. No one is too far if you have patience.

My Hearts Beats of Burden.

I'd like to think myself a better child than most. I'm a perfect 50/50 of my parents. I do what I'm told and don't ask for too much.

I'm not happy right now though because my dad just told me how I was bothering him so much.

I have never once opened a door without knocking. You've done it twice now; once was a lucky miss for the bathroom, the other was this morning. I was not dressed. But no, you can walk into my room and put my stuff in here without knocking. I would have much fucking preferred you risk waking me up to risking seeing me unclothed. "Sorry" is all you said. Fuck you. I was in my god damned room and this house has never had working locks. I'm 19. You don't walk in on me.

Yes, I've walked in on you. In the living room. Drunk, masturbating to porn on your secret laptop, back when mom was still alive. Did this twice. It was the LIVING ROOM. Not YOUR ROOM. I would NEVER walk into somewhere without permission. Even if knocking risked annoyance, at least I have the decency to give people privacy.

And the way you treated me today around our guest. The sighs, the grunts, the eyes. You just...completely disrespected me in front of her and her children. Do I do that to you? NO. Sure, I call you fairly unaware of emotions. You are. You have laughed at the most unlaughable things in a relationship before. I say you yell. You do; not loud, just with a stern voice that freezes me in place.

I am a good kid. I throw my trash out the proper ways, rinse the dishes off, turn off anything I'm not using. I do my best not to 'mess things up' by, I dunno...leaving a game in the den, maybe? Or a book on the couch. You flip. I make mistakes. I am human. YOU left one of those fucking cans of beer in the den. You know how much it hurts me. You know. You shouldn't be drinking after you saw her die like that. Fuck you.

Yes. My room is a mess. I'm a teenager. Seriously, you expect me to be clean as hell? My OCD is dermatillomania, not cleanliness. I'm not a 'horder' like my uncle and aunt. Don't you dare tell me how I'm becoming them. Or ever tell me I'm not eating right. Or wasting my money and my life.

You. Have. No. Right.

I have seen what others do. Most teens my age are buying drugs, beer, and cigs. I pay for WoW. No, my job doesn't give me the best hours; but how can it when I have such a limited amount of time to work every day? Until I get a car, I only have a maximum 6 hours a day that I can work. The same 6 hours, I might add, that all my co-workers are getting out of school. So no. I won't have a lot of hours. I will get sent home early on slow nights. I get a job and you get pissed that I'm not earning enough. How can I get 2 jobs when I don't have car access to get to both?

I pay for the gas, I pay for my meds, you pay less and less for me each month. And yet I'm still ruining your life. I think I hear you typing angrily to your gf in California right now about how I'm pissing you off.

I am a good kid who picks thimbleberries for you and likes to talk with you and share ideas.

Just because I'm a girl with emotions and a few different interests...doesn't mean I'm ruining your life.

:/

Ugh...

A Blue Theoret.

Theory

Into love and out again,
Thus I went, and thus I go.
Spare your voice, and hold your pen-
Well and bitterly I know
All the songs were ever sung,
All the words were ever said;
Could it be, when I was young,
Some one dropped me on my head?

~ Dorothy Parker

---

So I have identified Delphinius, I believe it is called...and Scorpius and Sagittarius. Slowly the stars speak to me...

But now I am onto my next endeavor. Like a bird heading south, it does me no good to rest. I have learned, I have reflected, but idling does me no favors.

My eye captures upon a few. One who might be too old for me by a year or so, or might see himself. The other likely too young or not of interest, or like Abe. I know, one shouldn't go after co-workers for said things; but Zelical is Zelical.

And Zelical hurts right now...

One Day, I shall be a Hero.

Or at least listed as one on The Colbert Report.

Yeah, still looking for my name. As the only other person with my name is some sort of athlete and seeing how most people with my family name are...ehm...a tad more right-wing than me, I'll be the only one with my name to show up.

I saw the name of a teacher of mine show up, but it's a much more generic name than mine (it's more likely someone else would have it)...so I simply sent him an e-mail inquiring further.

Closer to February, I plan to send that same teacher this link, and a request:

Misconceptions

The request would be that he put this into effect in his class, which is Physics, starting the second Tuesday of February, 2012. If he remembered, I honestly feel he would do this. And with any luck, a few people in his class would actually be interested and would take in the information on that page.

I know I did. I learned quite a bit, to be honest.

I miss having him as a teacher in that I enjoyed observing him. He had a quality to him I recognized from my own past. It was very sad. I still feel that I may try and ask about it one day, if I ever have the courage. Ask if he lost someone he loved dearly. He has the look only those with that curse know.

Lethargy is For the Dead.

I've been lethargic for the past few days, maybe weeks. ...and this is random, but my alarm clock is 1 minute ahead of the real time, just in PM rather than AM. Which is interesting because it's blinking right now --- the power went off around 5 times in the past 12 hours, so that time is since the outage.

Now it's 9 minutes or so ahead as per usual. I used to go with 7...then 8. Now I go to about 8.5 so my mind does the math for 9 but 8.5 makes me more ahead of time. No clue why I inherited this odd alarm clock time difference trait from my dad. But I think the math thing is just me. I hate math, but at the same time, have a slight gift with bits of it. Sigh. It's always the non-historian who gets A+'s in history.

But anyhow, I've been dreadfully tired recently and it's rather bothersome. I have several things I'd like to do...like clean my room. But the lethargy is crippling my attempts.

Sigh. So anyhow...Buffy is aware of the names of all my other cats. It's interesting. And lovely. And I still adore her like nothing else in this world.

Been letting my minnow friends nibble at my bane ivy remnants. 2 trees fell last night; one in half and the other just uprooted a bit. Discovered a new type of blackberry that tastes like green grapes but looks like how a child would draw a blackberry; bulbous and more oval than the more common blackberries I've come to know.

I am debating between a few things right now:

1. Sleep
2. Play WoW despite this netbook loathing it
3. Some other thing

No matter what though, I'll risk missing Derek if he gets online. The lethargy is dragging me again though. ...and I just ripped my skin open, lovely. Thank you, hang-scab, remnant of the bane. Sigh.

Oh yes; found a beautiful rib. About the size of my ulna in length, but it's a deer rib. Unbitten and ungnawed, which is nice. Reminds me of Bellatrix's wand.

The days fade into one another like the old grass with the new wheat...lethargy is bothersome. But, unlike my dad, I am not a caffeine addict. Who finds it funny that his not drinking as much coffee made him exhausted. One should not laugh at their addiction's being made clear to their eyes. 3 pots a day isn't healthy.

Rest I shall now take, shall thine night cradle me like her babe...

They tried to make her go to rehab, she said...

Well, my mom went to rehab a lot. Didn't do anything but make her hide her habits.

Seems you, Amy Winehouse, now know my mom's fate. But yours was sooner in life and you were consciously aware it might be coming. Sigh.

Not much surprises me anymore.

I like this penny better. It fits in my pocket, too.

Still feeling disconnected. Just helped some people out. One does not benefit from enemies or acquaintances. They benefit from those who will be there to back them against said enemies. Idk.

But if you can help someone, there is no reason not to. I now have 2 more allies.

So Charleh apparently said he was going to lock himself in his room when he found out I was coming over. Only didn't so he could go to Wal-mart and be a thief.

Erica helped me be amused by tossing a rock at his window for me...and beeping to wake him up. I died laughing at the rock thing. We were both doing that silent-laugh thing, then...just...died. xD Also learned about angry birds. Then placed a few squeezable bird things in a vacuum aisle by color. I stuck a pepperoni stick on some cherries. Felt they needed it most.

Think I'll called Charleh, Abe, now. Accidental name ftw. I think this guy at the Dandy liked me...too bad his face was like James. Else I'd have had interest. Also, my wandering eyes and flirtiness is all theoretical now...

:) On the 7th I will hopefully be meeting someone. It'll be my 2nd meeting with a far-off guy. Sure, he's not 5,000 miles away like the first...but still.

He's been persistent. My heart finally found her home and seems to no longer push. She is happy with him...I mean...he's not my boyfriend...yet...I...kind-of...would like to call him that..:) He makes me feel alright. Like when you get home from somewhere and curl up in your blankie and smile. He makes me feel like that.

Seeing Erica just randomly kiss Dorian made me jealous...I'll have 2 days with Derek. A shy meeting day, a night, and a parting day...my iTunes is being sweet. "Feeling Good" (chosen), then "Love, Rein O'er Me", then "Every Rose Has Its Thorn".

But...just...a week. A week was enough. 2 days will pass faster than...than a good snow day when you have homework undone.

But...memories...I...know it'll be amazing. Beautiful. Sweet, angelic, perfect...with any luck...

My heart no longer wanders. It...she...has found her home. Iamme is happy. Iamme is my heart. Fursonified...

Derek...if you ever read this...you're the reason I'm still alive. Thank you for being there when no one ever was...

Sigh...back to real life...Abraham fucking Lincoln told my boss I stalked him, apparently...sigh.

I wanna curl up and die sometimes.

Again...the allies will be my only hope for getting out of this. They're his room mates and know the truth. If they tell Gina, along with all my other friends...she will without a doubt know he's full of shit.

I hate liars.

I hate that Penny.

Colden like the gold.

I am so tired of children.

My lady, and gent, you graduated at the same time I graduated. And yet, you see me, do the look/giggle/whisper maneuver...

I mean...come on. You immature little...well, can't say whore, you're not a looker. Bitch I suppose, seeing how you're one of those special girls who made my senior year memorable.

And Charleh, there's no need to piss me off. I hate you already, you're one of few to earn my hatred. Or near it. But now you've earned the title Charleh, a.k.a. an old online nemesis of mine. When you work with an enemy, work with them and not against them.

Needless to say I'm a little irked.

Oh yes, and I saw an epic mustache today. A combination silver mustache/oxygen thing that made me lol. Normally it'd make me feel a little bad, remembering my grandma and my mom on those...but this guy just...made it look like his mustache was connected to oxygen tanks. :)

I'm having trouble typing, which is definite manic. Mind's a bit disconnected. Sick-feeling constantly. Talkative. Giggly. Meh.

......awww. :( My Lugia candlewax broke...

Melted wax from two candles formed the most beautiful circle shaped like Lugia with its arms circling down, I hung it. But it's not there. I don't wanna check, but I know it's gotta be broken now.

I'm helping emancipate someone tonight it seems. Funny. She's racist. See how that works. (a.k.a. she's getting out of her house)

My mood keeps changing. And my mind flutters. I am...so sick of this. :/ I want Derek here....

But even when I meet him...2 days will never be enough...:/...

I hate fate.

Being manic and knowing you're manic is like being a genius aware they're completely stupid.

I feel like the most brilliant creature, like I could see the moon as someone the size of the sun would see it if I thought hard enough. And I probably could.

I feel so grandiose that I loathe it. I know it's all chemistry and neurons and I feel so fucking retarded. There is nothing quite like being brilliantly aware of your mania.

It's...a little like Charlie in Flowers for Algernon, knowing that he would return to stupidity.

Thing is, no, I'm not stupid. I never am. But I know I am no genius. Yes, I have stumbled upon well-known philosophical questions on my own. I am more intelligent than most. But mania just...it gives me overconfidence in my intelligence. I hate it.

I could write a story, list a trillion brilliant songs...I've done it before. Then I'll look back and see how looney I appeared, my mind like a Cabbage Butterfly's flight pattern.

I could do anything right now. Or I feel I could...but...it'd be naïve.

Dear spell-check, that is the proper way to spell naïve. Thanks.

Can I please know normal. Not mixed, depressed, or manic. Just...none of them. :/

Save me from myself.

Feed for Think. II

Italics = poem
CLD = me
"'s (around quote) = not said or thought by me originally

---

How...

---

Hello all of you, my name's Anzel
I am a child just like all of you
With eyes to see and ears to hear the lies
We're spoon-fed in the evening and the night
Soon after a full day has cried to you

The wildness and the intellect hide deep
Within the boundaries of wounded hearts
I'm not sure that they still can hear my song
Of delicate and wise, and hidden lies
That you are blind to if behind the pane

---

Friends, you are not friends.
Lies, you are not lies to them
I wish, though,
You would see
My world
Beyond that stubborn pane

How I wish to break it
Smash it with an iron fist
Not these frail human hands
Made of bone

But how?
For we are all atomic
In a simple way
Of lead grey pencil
And
Why do I bother here
You little deaflings

When you don't fucking get it.

((after is an illustration of a brain called Perception, made from small words. the previous poem references an 8-page long poem i've yet to post here, but that hits everyone deep))

---

Or maybe, no wonder for I.

In sync with a novel written by a single people.

I am feeling random, giddy, itchy. But not ivy itchy. Mosquito itchy. Same itch, different though in that this itch lasts 2 days and can be soothed using tea tree oil.

My hands are still rather garish with interesting remnants, but the ivy fled when I washed my sheets and blanket.

I took a bath with minnows. Well. I was in my speedo bathing suit sitting with the minnows. Adorable little sweeties. It did hurt when they nipped at my more tender wounds, but only the tiniest amount. I pulled some of the moss from the top of the mini-waterfall for them, they were all happy. I also watched the little honey bees...

Woo. An hour after I typed that I'm back.

So I've been watching the Colbert Report recently. I donated $5. If my name shows up, I'm gonna feel pretty epic.

Been talking with a celebrity. It's pretty cool. He's not a tv celebrity, but a lot of people know him and those who know him, love him. I doubt he or his friends see themselves as celebrities. But as I learned, a celebrity is simply someone a lot of people know.

I have to respect celebrities that don't think overly highly of themselves. Austin, on one hand, would never see a word I would say. Comments to him are like...like cigarette butts in the grass. He knows they're there but doesn't do anything about them. I dunno. Not that he dislikes us, he just...well. It's discouraging to like someone and have no chance to ever speak to them.

Now Con, is actually mature enough to respond to those who inquire about things. Jhonen Vasquez, unfortunately, though the most epic comic creator in the world...does not raise kind fans and does not care that he has them or that some of them might be worth his time.

I spoke to Wendy Orr once. Just once; not a conversation, just a Tweet she answered. Another time, Lambert tweeted at the exact time for him to have seen and responded to my Tweet to him. It's a nice feeling. It's human.

I'm...woah, random. I need to dust my toybox. ANYHOW.

I need to figure out what to do. First thing first, I need a car. Then a roommate. THEN I can look at colleges and another job. My boss loves me and likely will be a great reference. I mean...I have never told a lie to her. I've actually told her too many truths for my own good :P My mom and dad always said how I'd fail with a job because of this and that. But I knew I could do it. I do my job well and honestly, and I work together with others well and tolerate the rest. I have the mostly overly-kind voice towards customers ever. Too saccharine. But in a way so that the customer doesn't anger. ...though one flipped me off once. I lol'd.

Still thinking I'm manic or mixed manic. Maybe manic because pms would explain the mixed. I feel inspired again, and as you can see my mind flits right now like a moth around a light source.

I still need a singing date with Dale, god damnit. And God is one fucked up being. Still no mention of heaven or hell. Still no mention of missionaries of converting. No one has been spared so far, or at least, VERY VERY VERY few. Just...with the amount of people that have read the Bible, I'd think I'd have heard more about how he killed every nation that got in his way and just...there is a lot of the Bible that no one seems to "remember" or take in.

If you're confused, I've been reading the Bible. So yeah. My book report so far might be a bash. xD

Sigh. It's odd that I have somewhat befriended openly racist people. And that our common enemy has beliefs much closer to my own. But whatever. Life is freedom of choice. So long as they do not act on their beliefs to violate the choice of others, I shall not pay them mind.

I mean...racism, sadly...isn't a choice. :/

That's like saying the kettle chose to be a kettle, the pot a pot. Once the brain is molded, it can be altered, but it always will 'have been'.

I need a good microphone. I really do. And someone to help me with Audacity...

I'm tired of singing Die Nachtigall to an audience of none. To felines who do not hear lullabies.

I wish I could be discovered.

I can act. I can sing. I can model and think and be so much...I am an empath and adore the world of the doctoral sciences. No one will ever notice me.

The only way I'd make it on idol would be if I used my mom's story. I don't want to have to use my past as a stepping stone into a singing career. Fucking attention hogs...

I just want to be remembered, like how I remember Dorothy Parker...

As someone who was worth memories.

My iTunes seems to like Petty and U2 at the moment. No complaints there. Strange contrast :P

I feel disgusting. Well, I feel I look it. BUT. BUUUUT. For the moment the unbearable itching is done, at least in the places I wanted it gone most.

Here's proof doctors don't know everything: One pharmacist knew poison ivy wasn't contagious. The other? He tried to make me buy 2 expensive things so I didn't spread it elsewhere. Sigh.

I know how I got this bad of poison ivy. See, I wasn't thinking that the soil would be covered in the oils. So though I didn't touch any ivy, I dug in the soil and didn't wash my hands soon enough before I'd spread it everywhere.

Fucking fleas. I'm not allergic, but their bites do hurt. And then there are the phantom flea bites. Oy.

Mama Ki came home, I was surprised...I still think she's not long for this world, but...I got a photo of her happy at least now.

I spoke too soon about the ivy, it's itching. I have it on my lips. Can't calamine those.

Haven't heard Stacy's Mom in a WHILE. Woo. And this isn't the radio version. It's so much better.

Sigh. Bad mood. Adios world ftm.

Feed for Think. I

Italics = poem
CLD = me
"'s (around quote) = not said or thought by me originally

---

A silvern fae is born of steel and bread
With buzzing things a-ringing in her mind
Her wisdom is of tyranny and war
Her hands are swords of iron, rich and strong
A gleam is cast from her metallic eye
Upon a lone child stranded in the fray
A snip, a tear, a switch, he is complete
Because the massacre's not second-best
The blood upon her scythe shall melt away
Upon a floor of sentimental years
The wisdom and the wise are hiding deep
The papers will not turn against the pen
"Creation is a deathly vile thing,"
So spoke the scientist with greying hair,
"for no machine can love or reason well,
and they all lack a common sense to think
that what they do is wring, and silly, too!"
He thought to himself within his heart
And lifted up a frail, breaking limb
"We wanted to make something just like us...
And we succeeded, we created them

---

A child among the dandelions slept
Whilst blossoms tilted in the summer breeze
He slept with bones a-quivering at night
And many mornings later in the leaves
His bones shone shiverless under the sun

---

The sky blushed, then cylinder-eyed. (observation of an off sunrise)

---

Life without love is meaningless.

---

Glimmering, glittery trees at -7 degrees

---

Diamond Doves

---

"Don't you dare close your eyes...
hold your breath, it gets better..."

---

The sky looks especially spidery today.

---

Romeo
Lady, by yonder blessed moon I vow
That tips with silver all these fruit-tree tops---

Juliet
O, swear not by the moon, the inconstant moon,
That monthly changes in her circled orb,
Lest that thy love prove likewise variable.

---

What if we should be looking up at the ground, but consciousness desires the up-sky, not the down?

---

Lust =/= Love

---

Over-watered children sprouting up
Will wither in the sunlight raining down
And little petals tarnish glowing soil
With fortunes of their ignorance alight
They'll cradle in their tombs, and brown, and stay

A Dove Resides Here.

Within this lair of words I do not feel inspired. For I have no audience. Within those social sites, I have a thousand who might glance a stray eye upon my words. Here, I'm some random page in a book with no cover picture.

I lost one of my two peridot earrings. Good things don't tend to last long I guess. Wish I could get some of my beauteous opal made into studs or pendants.

Mama Ki, may you rest in peace. Taken by that killer of all, cancer. Wherever you lie, may the birds sing for you and may you rest the golden memories you carry.

My total cats has been taken down to seven.

Work tomorrow. I was able to get out early tonight, but I'm truly hoping my sneezing has died down to the point of being non-existent tomorrow. I feel like a giant virus when I'm sick like this. I loathe it.

At least he wasn't there. But he likely will be tomorrow. I don't want or need the tension in the workplace. A machine functions best when all parts are oiled and well-fitted, not when there's gears scraping and screeching against one another.

My ex tells me the guy'll talk shit about me. I don't think so. I mean, I could have been played. But honestly, I don't care. The people at my workplace who matter will believe ME. I am the bigger person, I am the one who is too honest for her own good.

Besides, though I have never and never hope to have to use it, I gather blackmail without even trying. It was enough to keep a certain Krauw out of my life, and his girlfriend. And if it's needed, I am hopeful the threat will win again. Mainly to prevent harassment, because I'll tell anyone anything if they ask me. I may be a little wary with words but at the same time I'll admit I'm being wary. I'm an open book, don't rip my pages and spoil my lines.

A bird flew into the car today. Black silhouette is what I recall. PUUHMPH. No mark on the window. I felt bad for the bird, but giggled at the same time thinking, "THIS WAS YOUR FAULT BIRD."

I saw a pigeon on the bridge on my way home. Wondering if it was that bird since it didn't fly away.

I've saved the lives of several animals recently, lol. Well, prevented ending them. Opossum standing in the middle of the road, skunk walking in front of my tire, bunnehhhhhhs.

I have mad car skills. Beginning to wonder if I'm mixed manic, cuz I'm feeling manic again but was definitely not the other night.

I need to get some sleep soon. My eyes are sticking shut and when I relax my sneezing subsides just a tad.

The blackberries bloom and the butterflies swoon. That is the way of summer's spring.

Rose of Posies.

I adore disrespect.

I adore this. I really do. It reminds me of this sweet, sweet boy I used to know in the lands of Nether. And his lovely, kind girlfriend. Who are only out of my life due to a threat because he'd used me and lied to her to cause her to hate me.

So I awaken and lo and behold, something I have had happen before. Not much, mind you, but had happen. When someone upsets me, I like to turn to them and let them know, if they're the reasonable and deserving sort. As it hurts for me to wait, and I don't want them to suffer either. No one should ever have to suffer.

But I've been disrespected now. This is something I take great offense to. I don't mind disagreements, fights, all that jazz. But ignoring things that cannot be ignored just...

Ugh.

I...just called work. I am really glad, he's not working tonight. Thank god. I don't trust my pms not to make me a snapping biatch. I need to keep a cool head because the customers have no part in this, and this tension will surely crop up at work.

Sigh.

Things can always be resolved if one wants to resolve them, or at least smooth them over.

Ignorance is blissful torture.

Sweet like Cinnamon Leather.

I have a cold.

Lovely thing, working in fast food when you have a COLD. I mean, I could easily tolerate how it's making me feel. But the sneezing? I just...the customers!!! I do care about them, and don't want them sick. Do unto others as you'd want done unto yourself. I may have to be extra cautious if I'm sneezing this badly to...well, today, but tomorrow to my sleep schedule.

My voice is velveteen. It happens with a cold I believe. It has this beautiful vibration, wish I had an oscilloscope.

Still not sure if a friend is mad at me or not. My lovely tracfone has a key for symbols, but not for sent message symbols. So I am imagining now that a letter with a blue dot means not received, and a letter with an arrow means received. All the ones to him have been blue dot.

So now I'm a little embarrassed, but also lost.

I hope he forgives, there's nothing to forgive anyhow, but I understand why he's unhappy. It was an "obnoxious" wake-up attempt gone wrong due to a flinch.

He's not a bad kid, and I don't wanna lose a friend over this. Meh.

It doesn't help that I work with him. x3;;

With any luck things can get resolved tomorrow though...

God. I just sneezed my head off. ATTSSSEEEUUUW

ATTTSUUUU

I observed my dad during this cold, I'm afraid it'll drain me soon. I pray not. I work 4 to close tomorrow...

God is still a dick. Breaking a fucking ox's neck in half because someone was murdered without a known culprit...

WHAT. IS. WRONG. WITH. HIM.

This cold's making me make that facccceee, loose-jawed and nyah. Please let me get better.