The Rosebird Calls St. Peter.

I just woke up and already I'm crying. I upset my Aunt last night for not knowing all passwords were entirely case-sensitive and citing an example. I was on a 3-way phone conversation and it bothered me because I was trying not to step on either my aunt's OR my grandma's toes, and ended up just...stepping on both.

This week will suck. I can't be myself, I have to be my trained polite child self and even then, I make mistakes. I have to abandon my medical self. I have to accept every stigma and taboo that a religious grandmother may have, and accept that she is always right.

I miss my mom. She...didn't always think she was always right. She was emotions...that's all gone now. She fucking drunk herself to death and now I have to try and reach for fucking STRAWS.

I don't want to go back onto the tightrope, I CAN'T balance here, it's IMPOSSIBLE. My mother's father is much more stable. My dad's parents are ultra-conservative, religious, they're WAY too far one way for me to ever balance. Mostly my grandma. I feel out of balance here. Idk how I'll survive a fucking week...

Mom...why did you go...why...

Senronrae, an old name.

Not sure why I go gaga for Australian accents now. Maybe it's due to my short-lived celebrity crush on Con. Then again, I also like British accents a lot...but had no celebrity crush in that case. I dunno. I still can NOT honestly tell which of my crushes were purely hormonal and which were actual. I mean, Jed's obviously for hair...Con maybe for accent and hilarity. Cody though...oy vey. I'd never live that one down, me going for a SHORT-HAIRED GUY??? Forsrs.

I think in that case it was more that Cody and I were similar in that we weren't the funniest people in the group, we didn't stand out, but we did what we did well. Idk. I just seem to have bad luck, I pull at straws.

Tonight I am le happeh, I got to satisfy my primal urges...if not in real life, then with an old partner of mine. The feeling in my chest, and in my pinky and ring fingers...it's...always lovely...

I should be asleep. Again. Mean sleep schedule, but I'm just...AWAKE. And I have a dragon btw. ...I just named him Fred. o.o My mind is...woah. Mania. Bah. It's like crack, but legal.

Makes my mind have 5 ideas when a normal person would have one. Well...maybe 2 or 3 to be honest, but it feels like a lot.

I leave for my grandparents at 11:45 tomorrow. Oy, won't be fun. But will be better than living with my dad for that week...sigh. I miss living with Dustin, I had freedom there...other than the bitch queen, my lovely ex-friend.

It is 5:53 AM my time, so that tells you that I am bad and need sleep.

I wish it were that easy.

But yeah, Fred is a blue Chinese Dragon, that glows in the dark. He has a frosted look and is gorgeous, despite a couple slight nicks. Also got a Labradorite Sphere. Had to research to determine the stone, but I'm certain it's Labradorite. It's lovely, with beautiful plays on color and it is simply interesting to turn and look at :)

Bought Chris, my friend, authentic Miso Ramen Noodles from a Japanese Food Store. Hoping it can cheer him after his retarded ordeal with the Marines. Wish I'd been able to get him the mask he wanted.

What else, uumm...my aunt's friend was nice, helped me get the aforementioned things today. I am so tired, else I'd say more. Well, 3 hours of sleep is better than none. I won't count the extra half hour, sleep cycles are 87 to 88 minutes, the rest doesn't really count.

Good night world.

Quintessential dor Paradise.

So recently I went into a manic swing. Hypomanic. Whatever. Up.

Probably triggered by Chavva, my now-ex-best-friend. That is a tale for another day, I will bless you all with it, you know I keep not a thing to myself, sweet viewers.

Mania makes me write. Always has. Makes me see songs as beautiful, feel like queen of the world...

...and tolerate having my best friend call the cops on me and having the guy of my dreams decide he just wants to be friends.

In NYC right now wishing I had brought my sleep meds. And a lot of stuff I apparently left at home, cuz I had to pack hastily. I have been exhausted for 5 hours. But I cannot sleep. It's the mania...oh...wait. I get it now. I like how it takes me typing things out for me to realize the obvious relationships, such as mania and being too awake.

My eyes will vomit tomorrow, but the mania will allow me enjoy the day. I'm sorry, Aunt Lissy, I cannot force sleep. It is not under my control, it is only influenced.

Told Derek I loved him, have plans with a virgin in a few weeks, lost a best friend because she's psycho, grew attached to her child, befriended her husband who is gonna rid her from the house and invite me back (no, i am not and will NEVER be, cross my heart, interested in him), umm...

Just too much crap.

"2 AM lovesick with a walking-ammonia drum-kick..."

It's funny though how well my honesty has shown through in my life, been the point of stability. I make enemies, yes. But only because they can't be trusted and prove it by distrusting me. But I also make allies. Friends. I earn respect.

Honesty is my most prominent trait. But atm I'm exhausted and wish I could just fall asleep. My mind has that bar effect going on...well, stream, river...

Front is my control, it wants sleep, it's a person who will lay down and permit the beauteous sleep. Back of my mind is separated from it by something, and...is spazzing like a cartoon character on a sugar rush. Jumping up and down and shouting, hair a-frizz...

Try and sleep with her in the back of your mind...

God damnit...

Migraine, only take me down at 8 PM tomorrow night. Thank you.

So far Spotify is being good to me.

Oh, funny thing. So I did something that puts me to sleep twice. I would probably bet my left middle finger that I mentioned that thing once before at least. But anyhow...I checked the tissues afterwards. Reddish colored dots? ...hmm...well, nope, that hasn't started. That's confusing, what caused that...

But what was worst was...

...there was blue...

Light blue like that minty blue toothpaste, light...and...

I am so confused. WHY. IS MY BODY. PRODUCING TOOTHPASTE.

It felt like my lube though..but IT WAS BLUE.

So I am lost. And my arm is worn from tired, so I'm gonna go to sleep :)

Good night sweet world...let my mood stabilize.