The Inhuman bell

I'm going off of my Prozac. Yep.......>_< I can't even be jokey right now because my body feels...UGH. First it was lethargy and it got worse, and now I feel...off. Tingly and unpleasant.

I need to get started on a LOT of things in my life. But I'm shutting down from this. Moving to Australia is the main thing, I need to figure out what to do in relation to that.

Ugh...I have felt better. Where is my damn zyrtec. x.x My eyes are sticky. I feel awful...

Lucksweet.

It's nice to finally, for once, find someone that gets vibes. I get vibes from people, in photos, in ways they talk or act. So many. So does Con.

So I can have someone to agree with me about, for instance...getting a bad one about someone's ex.

Who..never deserved someone like him...or so the vibe reads to me.

He's genuine and she's not...which is why the photo doesn't hurt me. Why I saved it.

He's so genuine...

I'm lucky...

Wishes.

So fucking happy I bought a purse. Not really related, but I did.

And I am..

...I..Idk. No one gets jealous of me. No one...has..ever just...complimented me like that out of thin air. I...lovely? I think about him and I melt a little thinking someone genuinely good, likes me. There's something so wonderful about him. I ...wish...I could be near him..

As the soft sweet cries.

I am...hmm. Not sure anymore what to do.

I got lucky for once with someone I was physically attracted to. Fuck yes. So hot. Loved it.

*shrugs* BUCKET LIST IS ALL HAPPY NOW.

Now I feel like, for once...I can just find someone to date. I don't have any unfulfilled desires that can't be filled now relating to looks.

Now I think maybe I'll spend time crushing on unattainables. Let's see.

So one is just enjoyable to talk to. Problem is more-so looks if only because I know most guys don't feel like losing weight and THOUGH I CAN GET USED TO THINGS EASILY, I know I get turned off by said things and it would bug me occasionally.

The other is just really great as a person. I feel unjudged and understood. And I do find him attractive. But there's the age difference, not that I care but most people care about said things.

*shrugs* And there's distance.

I dunno. Should I work on anything? Should I give up? Should I let myself flirt and be hopeless because it's how I am?

I'm honestly not sure. But at least now I feel like I could be 100% faithful to someone in all aspects. I just wish there was any hope at all. Is there?...

I guess the only reason I think there may be, is because of the multiple people I've ended up with in online relationships. Because I WOULD be willing to move someday. Problem is the other people's tolerance of distance...sigh.

Idk right now. I wish I did.

So much rape.

Not really, but with some friends it can be fun to say.

I am a horndog right now. I wish I could satiate myself, but can't flirt because I feel awkward, and can't talk about it with people because when anything pertains someone I can't talk to them about it.

BLOG POST DONE.

And so the world nights.

Having crushes sucks. Especially when they're on people from far, far away. I mean...sigh. I'm confused right now. I confuse myself.

Problem one, I just cannot stand anyone overweight, being with them...because of sexual things, and clamminess. It's never seemed tolerable. I tried my best to convince a semi-nearby guy to lose weight for his own sexual benefit, but it never got through to him. I doubt it would in this case either. Though to be honest, it's more tolerable when the guy isn't hairy.

Problem two, distance. Though to be entirely honest...I wouldn't mind moving somewhere, some day. That isn't something worrying for me, if they're tolerant.

Problem three is that my hormones make me like multiple people right now. So I'm not sure. I mean, saw Con in a video, for some reason immediately thought hot. This is strange because, well? I never used to. I think I've gotten to the age where guys that look mature actually fit into my criteria. BUT LIKE I SAID, hormones. I DON'T KNOOOWWWWW.

Bah. I wish I knew what I wanted. I do. But it's not that simple. Because I'm a female. And my hormones are crazed.

I dunno. It's...flattering to know a guy actually might like me though. Without me initiating it, or getting to know them on a dating website. It's a first really because people don't exactly crush on me. Ever. It makes me blush like a maniac to hear someone might like me. I like shyness. I like knowing everything. I'm curious but so many questions can't be asked because...taboo. Sigh. I wonder what Con, himself, thinks. Not sure, pretty sure it's nada because he doesn't seem interested in most people...that and I'm 21. Being young, so fun. Sigh. I dunno. But finding these things out are good fodder for daydreams. Though at the moment, it's been so long I have no idea what I'd even daydream about...

---

The sweets of dreams lie beyond the fences we have created
Worlds we cannot cross without pain and strife
Love knows no boundaries nor does the pain of a crush
That lingers upon the many you know but can't touch

You wonder and wander and hope that maybe someday
Someone will find you nearby within your grasp
But every time my heart lingers on another soul
He is far away, the lush and dewdrawn grass

Planets lie beyond as shining thunder
Of this world where a girl must always look out
Her hopes lying beyond all other horizons
Her heart filled with hopelessness and doubt

But her hope, my hope, it never isn't there
I know I'd try, I know I'd always care
Given the chance I'd dance upon the fingertips of a foreigner
But across the world is a risk for another her

Or him, because they never give a chance to the far girl
Who sits there hoping and sees the true smiles but knows better
So meeting the man who sees through her always seem wondrous
But always he lies beyond her reach...always

Daydreams are like the lilies buried beneathe the snow
Beautiful angels without eyes in a lightless white
If only the one who charmed my heart could simply wait a while
But people prefer flowers over trees in this endless night