Sweet Things

Life is fairly unbearable. I feel like a swan in a pool of familiar ducks, I feel like the one south wind against the north.

My friend NV stood up for me today...she sat with me because people rejected me. They don't like me for being different. I'm a freak. They hurt me every time they reject me. I get so scared thinking about them that my hands tremble...my whole body tingles. I don't like it...I feel the simmer right now, as I speak...

I'm...lucky to...have at least one true friend. She's been there for me a lot and is one of the few people as this school that I know is a good person. I want to give her a gift, but I'm poor...so I let my racing, newly-oiled mind on the bus decide that I'm going to give her gift inside her Yearbook. I'm going to write a thank you letter, write quotes, and decorate the page as beautifully as I can. She, AA, AC...they've all stood by me. I hope one day I can repay them...they deserve it.

Life is...complicated. Painful, stressful, simmering, burning. Full of yearning, hating, trying, nobody listening...

But even with my hormones fairly in check by now and out of the influence of mood droppers...I feel like misery. Sometimes I just want to cry...for no reason but my own...

And I..want someone.

But...who wants me...

No one.

It's Sad

It's sad that I can tell exactly where along in my menstrual cycle I am. Like...right now. Unfortunately I don't realize until a bit into it, but I'm currently a pathetic mess.

I'm in estrus.

I don't know how many other girls experience this similar phase of their cycle, but I definitely do. I notice it because I'll realize I'm focusing on specific guys again...or on guys in general.

Let's say there's a guy I liked --- because there is --- that I had gotten over enough to basically ignore. I don't EVER have him off my mind fully, but...I'm...recovering. It'll take a while. I fell for him hard.

When my estrus comes into view, I begin to feel entirely enamored with whoever happens to be on my mind. I am so SICK of having so little control of parts of my conscious mind.

I hate not being able to control what I'm doing. I'll preen and make myself look my best for guys who have no interest in me, and haven't for many years. It's pathetic. I can't do anything to stop it either.

If I didn't know better, I'd go on about how this guy has the warmest eyes, a calming voice, and is just...everything I ever wanted. But it wouldn't be me doing the talking.

Because I've done it before, and I got a man I thought was my true love. It was all just a deception from my hormones. Fuck it.

Sweet Things

Sweet things exist everywhere, I suppose. A thought, a smell, maybe just a random kindness. At this point in my life, I need a Sweet Thing...not a stupid little nothing, I need someone to always be mine. But I'm trapped in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of clueless, hopeless guys...and I'm just a hopeless girl.

It's sad meeting one of the rare treasures and finding them to be owned by another. It's sadder falling for a guy who falls for your friend. I made a promise forever ago that I would never be Cinna. And that is a promise I'll keep --- because Cinna is heartless and cruel.

I'm not sure who I am anymore. I've developed beyond Anzel, and I am definately far past Sheya. Utau is just a figment and Nakyr is...too free to be captured by my mind for too long. Am I Nadie, Natalie, Melanie...

At times in my nighttime dreamdays I am either Anzel or I am Nadie. Nadie is fading and Anzel is growing. Who am I, really? I wish I knew. I really do. And I wish I had someone.

I'm missing the seam that holds me together. I am codependent forever, and ever...

It seems I have to choice in the matter. I need someone else...

I need help.

Broken Record

Life is a broken record. I keep thinking of things from my past, and that's all life is, isn't it?

Every day is the same. It can have a fair share of new experiences and nice nostalgia, but in the end it's ALL THE SAME. Being alone doesn't help.

I had to choose between a trip with chorus or a trip with seniors. I felt a little left out the whole trip, but if I'd gone on the senior trip, I'd have to be reminded of bad memories and would have to ignore horrible people the entire time.

I want someone to share life with. I want someone with me. I don't want to be alone.