I shudder at the thought of men...

So when the guy I thought would always be there for me, suddenly stops talking to me...

Let's just say I'm more than hurt right now. It's going to bother me for a very, very long time.

Not much else to say but...at this point, I don't think I'll find true love again. Meh.

It was a year ago she passed on...

September 17th.

At this time a year ago, she was a husk with muscles forcing her to stay alive.

It sounded like moans. Like hiccuping gasps. If you're out of breath, you huff with your voice...and imagine that after strong hiccups.

Her eyes wouldn't stay shut...nor mouth...large dark areas appeared on her, where she had begun to die. Her skin was saran wrap and a pinprick would stretch to the size of a penny...

Her heart kept beating 5 minutes after she stopped breathing. It was 3:12 or 3:13 PM when she died...

Can I forgive her...

I don't know. Her eyeball touched the pillow and her mouth wasn't closed...the stuffed animal over her heart moved and...and when it stopped...it was because...her heart didn't move...

A Fin De Me.

So there is a boy that has my heart...he doesn't seem to know it, but he's had it for a while. I've slowly been coming to realize this.

I've known him for over a year now. He's been the one I've had there to catch me when life threw me off cliffs into knives awaiting blood. He lives 130 miles from me...but he's been there for me more in the past year than anyone else. I never gave him a chance when he wanted it...and now, it's ironically the other way around.

I always looked for long-term relationships, but for the past few months I've wanted short-term only, ever since my last ex. Who I partly left because...I realized how I felt for Derek. Yes, that's his name, might as well say it...it's not as though he'll see this. I could show him but I dunno. we haven't had much chance to talk lately...

He's scared of distance, thinks he'll continue looking for another girl...I kind-of think he just doesn't know in general. I remember how he was. He was just like João was. I only just this moment made that connection...he fawned over me, was there, didn't give up...and, it took longer this time, but...I'm falling for him because of it.

Not many guys can tolerate me long-term. I am more than a handful. I'm that pile of popcorn you grab when they say take a handful and you want as much as you can. Some spills on the seat cushions, maybe on the floor...but there are very few who won't regret it. The ones who will be happy with all they got, ignore the flaws in the fallen pieces and take it as, "LOOK AT ALL MY POPCORN~" ...yes. I made a sweet statement using popcorn. xD But it fits perfectly. Because that's me.

I'm thinking...that before I move...I'll go see him. I need it to happen. I'm not going to let him get away. There are so few guys like him...and I know I would only regret it not happening. I'd rather spend a hundred or so to go see him for a day than to use that money for frivolous things. It's my last chance. I want nothing more than him.

Enter Nightmare.

So last night at work, my manager flipped out on me. I have 2 managers, Gina and Danny. I adore and respect Gina, and she is why I stick around. I thought I got along somewhat with Danny, even if our minds worked in opposition.

When someone does something or says something disrespectful about/towards someone I respect or am close to, I won't let it go unheeded. So Gina had come in on her day off because we have so few employees right now, and she was overworked. I wondered where she was and asked Dan. He said, "She's out in the lobby...crying." Then he gave an ear-to-ear smile and laughed lightly. I looked out and her head was in her hands.

Seeing how I respect Gina, I was NOT happy with him laughing. I said, "You're seriously laughing at the fact she's crying?" in absolute shock and disbelief at him. His face went serious and said, "No, she's not fucking crying. Jesus, what the fuck is your problem?" He mumbled a few things and said, "I don't know why anyone fucking talks to you back here." And he slammed some things on the counter and walked off...

I just...broke down. I haven't cried in a month or so, and I sobbed uncontrollably. I went over to where my co-workers were, hiding my face behind my hat. But the sobbing was getting louder. Heather, a supervisor-to-be, took notice and I told her Dan flipped out on me. She said, "This is an on-going problem, we need to say something." I freaked and said, "No, I can't talk to him..don't make me..." She didn't mean him, she meant Gina.

She told Gina, and I told Gina exactly what happened, what I had said and thought and what he had said to me and done. Then I said I couldn't stand being here right now, and she said, "Ok, bye." I'm pretty sure she was ok with me going, but I hope she believed me about Dan. I told Heather I was sorry for having to leave, she understood.

Even typing it up now makes me want to cry again, no lie. I'm scared now. I'm pmsing, but I would have cried no matter what when confronted like that. I'm scared though that I'll encounter him tomorrow at work and he'll go off on me again, and no one will see it, no one will believe me...

I'm hoping to God that either Anna or Spencer are there. Anna is a great witness (she can blab a lil, but she tells truths generally), and I am...thinking Spencer would actually be the type of guy to stand up to Dan for me, even if he probably doesn't care too much for me. I think he respects that I respect him and know he's a really smart guy. I dunno.

I only work until the end of this month...but still...meh...Idk what'll happen next I see Dan. I hope things don't go horrid...

Loch Nessie is a Stalkie Monster.

I am awesome. I've got stretchy dinosaurs in 5 different colors. I am making them battle.

I bought them for two reasons:

--- 1 --- Stretchy toys are awesome.
--- 2 --- Detailed beautifully.

Wouldn't expect the second. Whoever made the molds for them did an absolutely brilliant job. The only issues are horns and such, but that's probably because...leave it to a kid to stab their eye with a rubber horn.

I stuck one to my keyboard. I HAVE NESSY ON MAH NETTY.

I am too amused for someone that's 19 years old.

I don't get how people seem to think they're half a religion. So one parent is a religion...you have a heritage but you aren't half that. That's like a Christian saying they're half Aethiest on their dad's side.

I WAS WRONG. I HAVE 6 COLORS. MWAHAHAHA.

Om nom. Bored. Blog done. *sticks lock ness on screen*

Flight of the Light, add an F.

So there goes my free time. Work when I'm awake, then WoW to de-stress, then sleep. Haven't had any motivation whatsoever to work on my sketches.

My mind isn't letting me multi-task right now. At least I know I can, unlike my co-worker. She has a one-track mind. Which is REALLY annoying. Couldn't ask her a single question. Bah.

But my mind definitely isn't working right now. Only posting a blog cuz Paragon Kismet is feeling empty.

BLAH.