He Returned.

He's back. Not 100% due to schedule conflicts, but...he's back :)

I cannot recall if I mentioned him previously. Can't imagine not spilling my guts out about the second guy who I'd ever fallen for in such a way. But either way, I'm mentioning him now.

He did unto me as I once did unto my first love --- he left my life, refused contact...and now...he's returned. He missed me, I missed him. He felt horrible for leaving, but...how could I not forgive him. I had begun to realize nearing his departure that I...that I loved him. I still love him. He has no idea, would likely be afraid of the word and not believe I meant it, but it's not something I choose in this case. It's not hormones, it's been consistent for months. When he came back...I cried from happiness.

I can only hope...that he remains in my life.

"But at least Pain is real."

Unfortunately, all that's real for me at the moment seems to be pain. It wasn't even there a few hours ago, but it grew to be because of the lack of anything else. I have an utter lack of motivation...or interest in things. I cannot force interest; so I'm presented with a thousand adventures on WoW and I'd rather fall off a cliff.

I imagine it's just another flavor of depression. I hurt. I don't want to...

The tearing up isn't helping, and it normally does. My mind refuses to focus on things, it's like a dull-ended hook trying to catch on a newly-painted wooden ledge. One would have to be in my body and feeling my nerve impulses to know this pain, because most people don't know it. Never met anyone else who knew it. Read about a young boy who was my counterpart in this once. Lost the page about it, can't locate it again.

At least I...have a little something to look forward to now. Another online boy, yes...but...if I don't have something for my heart to hold, it bleeds. But...at least this guy showed interest first, and...made me blush with a message, "haha I have an idea. If we ever meet up someday, I'll take you out on an amazing date if you try to teach me how to sing. (Assuming you would like to go out on a date of course)"

One must first know I've only ever been on one date...and I had to ask to go on it, with a guy I'd only just started talking to, when he mentioned he was about to leave to watch a movie. I mentioned I wanted to see so he decided to pick me up. Needless to say, I was never asked out on a date, and he hated me a week later because he didn't like that I wasn't a submissive idiot...

I miss my motivation. The only thing tolerable right now is sleep. And I slept for 24 hours yesterday. Yeah, not exaggerating :| God damned depression is just...sapping all the life out of me.

So how does one fix the Google Chrome taskbar icon when it goes to that "no icon" icon, a page with some tiny colors in the middle? It wouldn't permit me install to my external, so I had to sneak around, find, and move it. Now it's got issues. LOVELY.

...I thank my dad for stress and genetics, blargh. A fin de me, my intestines realized they've been sluggish. So, like a worker behind quota at the end of the month, they get the job done painfully fast and just...that's the least-gross way I could put it. Pretty sure I'm gonna be in a lot of pain soon, more-so than I have been. That is not my stomach rumbling. :/

I'm putting off sleep by writing this. And (not-so) secretly hoping he gets online before I depart. But I imagine he's working.

...few. Just checked, he doesn't drink. I run into so many guys that drink and I'm...tired of bartering and hoping. A definite no does wonders. Not fond of the devil's nectar. No one should be...

Meh. I like this. He's one of the guys that makes me WANT to be faithful when not even with him in any sense. I'm already fully his. The other personas I had interest in, I'm done with. They seemed to have lost interest, so I will return the favor. I'd rather be stuck on someone who would be faithful despite distance.

I like how predictable my body is. I'm definitely infertile right now. Not something I note simply from not being a cat on the prowl --- but because of how certain things change consistency after something is over.

Writing always makes me feel better...:)

I fail at writing fiction. I have a few characters in my mind, but only one group has taken a life of its own, and it cannot be written, only acted out in my mind. Those are my Hybridians...Rakia, Tazzia, Kavu-Kai, Nakyr, Sheya, Tani, Aethea...

I mean, Iamme also exists in my mind, and falls out of my pencil onto the page...but she's not fiction, she's my heart. The state of my heart and mind, that is. She escapes me like tears of graphite and pain.

Iamme was born while I was with my first love. Over time she has grown...sadder. More lost. I noticed years after how it came that I'd draw her; it'd always be when I needed to represent my emotional or mental state at the time.

I have hiccups. Or had. I'm now paranoid for a hiccup. Seems they're gone. <<; NINJAS. Why ninjas, why torment me.

Baby doll is injured yet again. Seems somewhere in her chest, I just know she acted pained a few times. I'm wondering what my doll's been getting into. Oh well, I slipped the tinsiest sprinkle of aspirin into some peanut butter which she nommed off my finger, I hope that helps.

Might as well go to sleep, nothing else to do or say. A thousand things from my life to say, really, but...I don't have readers, no one is intrigued by my speak. C'est la vie...

A triance sera shince.

Heat of the moment knows only...

My mood finally lingered away from lusty and catty. Sigh. A fin.

I hate not having reins on myself. I won't delete my former blog though because I never delete them, they're reminders of my mood's intensities. Now, a good song that makes me feel warm and snuggly because I know how it feels to be as it describes.

---

Hands On

Breathe in for luck
Breathe in so deep
This air is blessed
You share with me

This night is wild
So calm and dull
These hearts they race
From self control

Your legs are smooth
As they graze mine
We're doing fine
We're doing nothing at all

My hopes are so high
That your kiss might kill me
So won't you kill me
So I die happy

My heart is yours to fill or burst
To break or bury
Or wear as jewelry
Whichever you prefer

The words are hushed
Let's not get busted
Just lay entwined here
Undiscovered

Safe in here from
All those stupid questions
"Hey did you get some?"
Man, that is so dumb

Stay quiet
Stay near
Stay close, they can't hear
So we can get some

My hopes are so high
( From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/d/dashboard-confessional-lyrics/hands-down-lyrics.html )
That your kiss might kill me
So won't you kill me
So I die happy

My heart is yours to fill or burst
To break or bury
Or wear as jewelry
Whichever you prefer

Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember
I'll always remember the sound of the stereo
The dim of the soft lights
The scent of your hair
That you twirled in your fingers
And the time on the clock

When we realized it's so late
And this walk that we shared together
And the streets were wet
And the gate was locked
So I jumped it
And I let you in

And you stood at your door
With your hands on my waist
And you kissed me
Like you meant it

And I knew
That you meant it
That you meant it
That you meant it
And I knew
That you meant it
That you meant it

Dashboard Confessional

---

Porn Filters --- Keep Your Fish Celibate

I love Dexter, but that episode just stressed me out majorly. Being an empath means when the main character lets his dark passenger take the reins freely...I end up stressed as fuck.

Also, have been having a recent issue. Something that happens monthly, with varying levels of intensity. I have no way to satiate the craving. 3 to 4 times a day is rather tiring for my arms, and other parts. You see, someone recently told me I should use something other than myself. <<' And, being catty as a femme fatale, I easily noticed something I could use.

So now I crave a someone and cannot obtain a someone. I DO have someone who fell in love with my body. But I'd rather fuck a cactus than touch the thing, or let him touch me. Length doesn't matter if I'm not turned on. And he turned me OFF.

Oh well, he's...hopefully out of my life. Too much drama. Annoying little child getting everything handed to him.

Recently been pondering if I could get accepted into a website of some sort. Easy money, safe, fun...I mean, being a porn star is honestly a good career choice. But at the same time I'm unsure my scars would bode well with that. And morals, but whatever with them. England knows our spite for sex and adoration of gore is insane. I do too.

If it could find me some cute long-haired boy...I'd probably leap on it. I am...insanely catty right now. And I cannot satiate my craving!!! UGH.

I have no life, googling it. Sigh, I've been horny for a week, it needs to end now.