"But at least Pain is real."

Unfortunately, all that's real for me at the moment seems to be pain. It wasn't even there a few hours ago, but it grew to be because of the lack of anything else. I have an utter lack of motivation...or interest in things. I cannot force interest; so I'm presented with a thousand adventures on WoW and I'd rather fall off a cliff.

I imagine it's just another flavor of depression. I hurt. I don't want to...

The tearing up isn't helping, and it normally does. My mind refuses to focus on things, it's like a dull-ended hook trying to catch on a newly-painted wooden ledge. One would have to be in my body and feeling my nerve impulses to know this pain, because most people don't know it. Never met anyone else who knew it. Read about a young boy who was my counterpart in this once. Lost the page about it, can't locate it again.

At least I...have a little something to look forward to now. Another online boy, yes...but...if I don't have something for my heart to hold, it bleeds. But...at least this guy showed interest first, and...made me blush with a message, "haha I have an idea. If we ever meet up someday, I'll take you out on an amazing date if you try to teach me how to sing. (Assuming you would like to go out on a date of course)"

One must first know I've only ever been on one date...and I had to ask to go on it, with a guy I'd only just started talking to, when he mentioned he was about to leave to watch a movie. I mentioned I wanted to see so he decided to pick me up. Needless to say, I was never asked out on a date, and he hated me a week later because he didn't like that I wasn't a submissive idiot...

I miss my motivation. The only thing tolerable right now is sleep. And I slept for 24 hours yesterday. Yeah, not exaggerating :| God damned depression is just...sapping all the life out of me.

So how does one fix the Google Chrome taskbar icon when it goes to that "no icon" icon, a page with some tiny colors in the middle? It wouldn't permit me install to my external, so I had to sneak around, find, and move it. Now it's got issues. LOVELY.

...I thank my dad for stress and genetics, blargh. A fin de me, my intestines realized they've been sluggish. So, like a worker behind quota at the end of the month, they get the job done painfully fast and just...that's the least-gross way I could put it. Pretty sure I'm gonna be in a lot of pain soon, more-so than I have been. That is not my stomach rumbling. :/

I'm putting off sleep by writing this. And (not-so) secretly hoping he gets online before I depart. But I imagine he's working.

...few. Just checked, he doesn't drink. I run into so many guys that drink and I'm...tired of bartering and hoping. A definite no does wonders. Not fond of the devil's nectar. No one should be...

Meh. I like this. He's one of the guys that makes me WANT to be faithful when not even with him in any sense. I'm already fully his. The other personas I had interest in, I'm done with. They seemed to have lost interest, so I will return the favor. I'd rather be stuck on someone who would be faithful despite distance.

I like how predictable my body is. I'm definitely infertile right now. Not something I note simply from not being a cat on the prowl --- but because of how certain things change consistency after something is over.

Writing always makes me feel better...:)

I fail at writing fiction. I have a few characters in my mind, but only one group has taken a life of its own, and it cannot be written, only acted out in my mind. Those are my Hybridians...Rakia, Tazzia, Kavu-Kai, Nakyr, Sheya, Tani, Aethea...

I mean, Iamme also exists in my mind, and falls out of my pencil onto the page...but she's not fiction, she's my heart. The state of my heart and mind, that is. She escapes me like tears of graphite and pain.

Iamme was born while I was with my first love. Over time she has grown...sadder. More lost. I noticed years after how it came that I'd draw her; it'd always be when I needed to represent my emotional or mental state at the time.

I have hiccups. Or had. I'm now paranoid for a hiccup. Seems they're gone. <<; NINJAS. Why ninjas, why torment me.

Baby doll is injured yet again. Seems somewhere in her chest, I just know she acted pained a few times. I'm wondering what my doll's been getting into. Oh well, I slipped the tinsiest sprinkle of aspirin into some peanut butter which she nommed off my finger, I hope that helps.

Might as well go to sleep, nothing else to do or say. A thousand things from my life to say, really, but...I don't have readers, no one is intrigued by my speak. C'est la vie...

A triance sera shince.