Finally.

So the other day I took a risk; I've been doing a LOT of that recently in relation to college.

I got a guy in my choir's number from someone else because I'd been too shy to ask him directly. But he didn't mind. We talked, he seemed genuinely intelligent...nice change. A guy that's actually mature, been needing one of those around...Planned to meet him the next morning at college.

Got there, saw him...found a pillar and stood by it, silently watching, seeing if he'd notice me and come over...he was playing ping-pong with other people, I just...I didn't feel comfortable with approaching. I am meek. Guys talked to me every 5 minutes........NOT the day I want guys to randomly come up to me and flirt. Of course it only happens the day I am not interested in anyone else.

Eventually he came over, we talked, we walked...I ended up a few minutes later for my forum class because I walked 15 minutes in the other direction, but oh well. Forum was ok, but my teacher needs to not be so judgemental. Also found out a girl in my forum was nippy and rather fond of Mr. Ellis. Ugh. So I walked away...pretty upset. :/

Went back, he told me he'd be there...just ate lunch, went back, felt...pretty dejected and down. He eventually came over and we walked and talked, went to a bench, talked and talked...moved due to slight misting rain, went back when we determined I was right, that there were no benches indoors...sat back outside on a bench, near my favorite spot tbh. Talked, talked, got closer...

Sigh...it's been a while. I wanted to enjoy it so much more than I did. I honestly don't know if it was a mild migraine aura disconnecting me, or pms absolutely clawing at my ability to feel much. My mind's kind-of tangled string right now, despite my cognition being entirely intact.

He thinks like me...I hope we have enough differences to keep each other entertained. One's worst enemy is one's self. I don't imagine that's the case but simply evolutionary traits I've learned of make me wonder how I'll end up feeling, I don't feel anything just yet but...well, comfort. It's nice...exciting to be with an attractive guy who actually makes an attempt to please me...

I mean...out of everyone...João did that, but he and I loved one another, we spent hours doing nothing but tracing patterns up and down each other's arms. And Gavin was sweet, he was gentle and willing to learn...

I'd like to know what it's like to be treated like a girlfriend rather than like a online girlfriend, or a sex partner, or just a partner...I dunno, it's hard to explain, but my past relationships have been lacking...each had its good parts. But oftentimes they'd have a huge, gaping lack of something, or a lot of things, completely overshadowing everything in the end. Gavin was too young and too controlled to treat me like a girlfriend...his mother was controlling and insane, he was 16 at the time. I was 18. Yeah, age difference, but he was mature for his age, just not experienced...

João was only in my life, in my physical life, for a week...sadly...it may have been the best week of my life, but that's sadly all it was...a week...

My love life has been full but lacking. To say my only dates have been with a now-friend who I never was in a relationship with, and those dates were only a few months ago......it's pretty pathetic...

I'm curious where this all will lead...

It was nice to feel soft lips again...he held my hands like someone who actually cared who I was...and kept me warm...it was...nice...gentle...nothing forced...

I always wanted to have a guy kiss me when my eyes were already closed...it may have happened before but I likely blocked out an unpleasant forceful kiss...his was soft...I liked the experience and trust him to kiss me on a whim again...

I should sleep. *sighs* Time to leave this comfortable, light place in my chest. Tomorrow I wake up to a day with my grandma running my life for the first half and probably making me cry...

...ugh damnit I'm drenched I just changed my underwear too. Fml.

Let me hold you

An enigma, sweet and bitter
Like the rose on your ear
Your voice a cradle and words soft
Though at times they betray the tone lacked by type
Jealousy devours and carves into me like the shy girl I am
I want you to feel for me and not ask for less
I cannot give less when I feel the greater
The mountain cannot avalanche a snowball
I can't feel less for someone as you are
I want you to see me, every facet, every flaw and speck inside of me
Opalescent with rough stone against my frame
Easy to break and easier to look over
Soft but beautiful but fragile as snowdrops...

Let me a chance
Don't pity the girl who hurts you always
Let the girl in who sees beauty in you
Who wants you, wants to see those eyes
Be close to that one of few who she lets hold her
And actually wants to be near
I'll call you my love, mi amore, anything
And if I couldn't satisfy...so be it
I so crave though to taste the sweet nectar
Feel the metal against my lips as I linger like a snowflake on a petal
I've wanted this for so long, attracted in every way
To a unique soul who maybe can see me...

Give me a chance
Stop giving it to the undeserving
My jealousy doesn't care for anything as her fangs show
She wants
All I want
Is to be held again...
I miss you...

Clueless

It's been so long...it was...wonderful. Yes, backpack straps and the...things that are on those that loosen/tighten, were in the way...but still...

And he didn't end it, either...he just held me...it felt so nice...the look in his eyes after...his grin...I don't know.  Head over feet, as Alanis says. I'm not even ovulating right now, it's not that even. I just...like him.

God, do I wish he wasn't taken...my god, I...the entire time, he could read me, so well...he accepted me. I let him in...I let him in, I never do that. I never says those things on my mind...

...I've never told anyone Iamme said something. They think she's just a fursona. She's an aspect of me, my heart. She embodies my basest, my darkest, my every desire and craving...and as I wear my heart on my sleeve, she displays a piece for people she feels for. She wants something for this guy. But...

I really should have known better. It was so nice and now I'm trapped, I want more. I'm addicted. You can't just have one nip of a cookie. One sliver of crab meat. A single fresh, delicious, yellow corn kernel.

I wanna let him see this. You hear me? You gut me...and on that note, I need some obsession quoted here:

"Come in. Every night you enter me like a criminal. You break into
my brain, but you're no ordinary criminal. You put your feet up, you drink your can of
Pepsi, you start to party, you turn up my stereo. Songs I've never heard, but I move
anyway. You get me crazy, I say 'Do it.' I don't care just do it. Jam me, jack me, push me,
pull me - talk hard!"

"You're the voice crying out in the wilderness, your the voice that
makes my brain burn and make my guts go gooey. Yeah you gut me, my insides spill on
your alter and tell the future, my steaming gleaming guts spill out your nature. I know
you, not your name, but your game. I know the true you, come to me or I'll come to you."

Nora, "Pump Up The Volume."

----

I want you
Not just physical anymore after I read your eyes because you let me in a little bit
I see something good and I don't want to let it slip away
Even if you're behind a fence I want you to stay in view and come nearer, towards me
Slowly
Every look I give pleading, every motion geared to summon you
You lure me
Control me
And you're one of a rare few I melt within the arms of...
Don't take that away from me
Feed me my poison, I'll gladly beg for more and lick my lips
Addicted to something that will always hurt me
If only you were mine

I want to look into your eyes
I'm so shy right now, I can't let you see me blush
Because...I shouldn't be blushing for you
I shouldn't have even gotten close...
Now I'm stuck to a hope
A hopeless hope
Like a wolf and the moon
Maybe you'll come to me...

I imagine now
If...I were to kiss you...
Your lips would be soft and gentle...not pushing...not speedy...
If my hand and yours
Met for but a moment or more
You grasping mine...taking it...I'd just...
Fall against you and breathe you in
Breathe out in a way I haven't in a long time
Why am I such a fool

I am being Cinna, why
No, I can't
But he's amazing
But you know better, Zelly
Iamme...
Derek's gone again, Zelly...Derek's gone again for whatever stupid reason he has now
I...
Maybe...your luck...will shift?...
Maybe...
My chest pain is gone...replaced with smooth water
You know why that is, Zelly...
That hug was so wonderful...I..didn't...want to leave it...I could have stood there forever...
His heart...
...will never be mine, will it?
Maybe in tumultuous worlds, Anzel...
Maybe she's just readying you so once you get it, you'll know it was worth getting...
Nature does strange things...you know she loves you though
The storms better you, heal you...
You can breathe...
Iamme...
Yes...I know...
I want it to happen too...
But whether you love...or hate...this girl
You know love
You -know-
How much it means
How much it hurts
You can't simply end what was never simple...
Wait...
I don't have an aspect of time...my patience only works for good things...
Think of it like a countdown...
That is...cruel...
But it's only for you...you have no association with her, my love...
Remember that...

I like him...

Don't care, happy.

<3 br="br">
It took a long time. Well...it felt like forever to me...but...but he's back.

Derek's back in my life and I feel...happy. I feel happy...

I might be remembering wrong, but I think in my blog I covered the whole, I hate him...no, I love him, thing. But it's how it is...I was mad at him. But I knew better. I'm stuck on him. I am his moon, I just can't keep away from him.

He's Derek again though...:) He's Derek. He's a goof, he's happy, unstressed, it's wonderful. He's wonderful...he knows how he's been. Everything he's done and not done. He knows...we both know, we both admit, we both are upset. But all in all he's...he's a wonderful guy, I'm so happy he's back in my life...

Having him say...he's..happy I'm back too...means so much...he just...

I knew he'd come back. He means the world to me...I can't help it...he makes me complete.

<3 p="p">

A fin de don.

*rubs her tummy* xP Nothing like when one's body says HEY, I'm here to show you what it's like to have contractions cuz you MUST KNOW.

<<;

Bought 2 shirts today, and a few..huge books. Medical books. Nice reads, kinda excited :3 First day of actual classes tomorrow.

Also bought a lil toy corvette cuz I like corvettes and get toy ones when I can :P Sexy voluptuous cars they are.

Beast, or Nightmare, apparently does need some tweaking. Oy vey...damn Beast. Car of death.