Finally.

So the other day I took a risk; I've been doing a LOT of that recently in relation to college.

I got a guy in my choir's number from someone else because I'd been too shy to ask him directly. But he didn't mind. We talked, he seemed genuinely intelligent...nice change. A guy that's actually mature, been needing one of those around...Planned to meet him the next morning at college.

Got there, saw him...found a pillar and stood by it, silently watching, seeing if he'd notice me and come over...he was playing ping-pong with other people, I just...I didn't feel comfortable with approaching. I am meek. Guys talked to me every 5 minutes........NOT the day I want guys to randomly come up to me and flirt. Of course it only happens the day I am not interested in anyone else.

Eventually he came over, we talked, we walked...I ended up a few minutes later for my forum class because I walked 15 minutes in the other direction, but oh well. Forum was ok, but my teacher needs to not be so judgemental. Also found out a girl in my forum was nippy and rather fond of Mr. Ellis. Ugh. So I walked away...pretty upset. :/

Went back, he told me he'd be there...just ate lunch, went back, felt...pretty dejected and down. He eventually came over and we walked and talked, went to a bench, talked and talked...moved due to slight misting rain, went back when we determined I was right, that there were no benches indoors...sat back outside on a bench, near my favorite spot tbh. Talked, talked, got closer...

Sigh...it's been a while. I wanted to enjoy it so much more than I did. I honestly don't know if it was a mild migraine aura disconnecting me, or pms absolutely clawing at my ability to feel much. My mind's kind-of tangled string right now, despite my cognition being entirely intact.

He thinks like me...I hope we have enough differences to keep each other entertained. One's worst enemy is one's self. I don't imagine that's the case but simply evolutionary traits I've learned of make me wonder how I'll end up feeling, I don't feel anything just yet but...well, comfort. It's nice...exciting to be with an attractive guy who actually makes an attempt to please me...

I mean...out of everyone...João did that, but he and I loved one another, we spent hours doing nothing but tracing patterns up and down each other's arms. And Gavin was sweet, he was gentle and willing to learn...

I'd like to know what it's like to be treated like a girlfriend rather than like a online girlfriend, or a sex partner, or just a partner...I dunno, it's hard to explain, but my past relationships have been lacking...each had its good parts. But oftentimes they'd have a huge, gaping lack of something, or a lot of things, completely overshadowing everything in the end. Gavin was too young and too controlled to treat me like a girlfriend...his mother was controlling and insane, he was 16 at the time. I was 18. Yeah, age difference, but he was mature for his age, just not experienced...

João was only in my life, in my physical life, for a week...sadly...it may have been the best week of my life, but that's sadly all it was...a week...

My love life has been full but lacking. To say my only dates have been with a now-friend who I never was in a relationship with, and those dates were only a few months ago......it's pretty pathetic...

I'm curious where this all will lead...

It was nice to feel soft lips again...he held my hands like someone who actually cared who I was...and kept me warm...it was...nice...gentle...nothing forced...

I always wanted to have a guy kiss me when my eyes were already closed...it may have happened before but I likely blocked out an unpleasant forceful kiss...his was soft...I liked the experience and trust him to kiss me on a whim again...

I should sleep. *sighs* Time to leave this comfortable, light place in my chest. Tomorrow I wake up to a day with my grandma running my life for the first half and probably making me cry...

...ugh damnit I'm drenched I just changed my underwear too. Fml.