Hemikiller.

This migraine's getting worse. Pain meds aren't dulling it anymore. They're as effective against it as M&M's. The meds work for other pains in my body, but not this now.

Needless to say, I'm starting to lose it. Darkness, silence, sleeping, pain meds, warmth, cold...

Nothing works. Nothing. It feels like someone's stabbing needles into tiny areas on my head.

I'm afraid my aunt's migraines are finally gonna bear down on me. Shit it feels like a thousand small fingertips are tinking into my skull. On a scale of my known pain I'd give it 3 when least painful and 4.5 most. I'm losing my ability to describe it or really do much, or enjoy much, because it's more distracting than menstrual pain because it's in my fucking head.

My head is being smothered. And only the skull, not my face. Just my skull, from my brow and back. My ears are ringing like they have been on and off for a month. It's getting more prevalent. I...give up on pain meds because they honestly do nothing to this migraine. It's on par with my storm pains in its immunity to pain meds. But...at least my storm pains actually tell me something semi-useful. All this migraine tells me is...nothing.

Because there is NO. REASON. FOR. IT. RIGHT. NOW.

And normally there is a reason. But right now, there literally is nothing, because I've been so desperate to get rid of the pain I've done everything necessary...

Make it go away so I can enjoy life again...

The Problem with Mania.

The problem with mania is knowing your limits. Knowing better than to say things, knowing things you will and won't be able to do.

This is what makes bipolar people do some pretty crazy shit. I know I do. Fortunately I know I'm bipolar, and can feel the difference in my attitude compared to a few days ago, and KNOW I went from depressed to manic. Problem is, doesn't get rid of that superhuman feeling. I kind-of have to watch myself. Like...you're given morphine to life for a certain amount of time. But once it wears off you'll feel EVERYTHING and it'll all still be there, all but the life morphine.

So basically, gotta be careful not to do stupid shit. Like how I'd blab my damn mouth in high school and everyone saw how much of a freak I was.

It makes me feel superior when I'm like this. My dad knows what I mean, though he'd never admit it, I've seen his cycles. He feels the superiority for periods of time, then the depression where it's just...gone.

*shivers* Unfortunately it doesn't appear the 2 bipolar medications I took so far, work. Haven't tried lithium.

It's possible still that whatever my dad and I have is a play on anxiety and bipolar. A disorder that's not really classified yet. Plenty exist. I've met people like myself before. But they're few and far between.....and...misunderstood.

So, hmm. Back to my...strange...on-reins mania. I dunno. I'm stressing myself. God damnit. Make me normal...

Nadie.

My mind's not in the best place. Apparently Pepperann, or "Kaernk" as my dream mind labelled the spelling of her name, said something brilliant about love. And Derek can't wait to get back to me. Ha...as if.

With my luck this girl will see how amazing a guy he is and I'll lose out on him for good. Then again it sounds as if he's only known her a bit more than a week. But who knows, relationships are odd, and my odds aren't good.

It's hard at the moment because my fantasy boy has no sexual connotations whatsoever. When I was alone in the past I made an entire story of my character Nadie and her relationship with Nightcrawler/Kurt Wagner. I fell in love with his voice actor's voice in the X-Men: Evolution series. I close my eyes and he's there for my character who is over a hundred years old, but in a delicate unmoving state, as she has recreated herself.

She has atomic powers, and can manipulate matter. Unfortunately, in this way, she is a danger to herself, and has had to take many precautions never to harm herself accidentally in a dream. Kurt's the only one that is truly safe, because he can shift into her room and away, and she has found ways to send little messages to him if she needs him. Nadie used to be known as Melanie, and she never found true love. Nowadays she goes by Nadie, Natalie, Tani, Tabitha, Theresa...possibly more, but those are the most common. What she is called depends on how she is acting at that time.

Her body's covered with a sort of shield of her own making over time, of elements and atoms she couldn't easily manipulate, or that distracted her powers enough so she couldn't hurt herself. In a single moment she could turn her leg into a gas and lose it for good. She can create objects but living flesh is far too small, too complex, she can only make simple matters.

She often lies there and lets Kurt wrap his tail around her legs, holding her hand, telling him how she is afraid, how she is alone. He keeps it quiet from her about Melanie, who initially entrusted Kurt with care of her "child". Melanie did not have a happy life, and used all she learned to recreate herself, and giving her new self amnesia of most matters...

And a new chance.

Firey Widows in the Wind.

Fucking migraines are a bitch. And no, you can't make a bad joke out of that because my grammar makes it IMPOSSIBRU.

Life is complexicated. Had yet another lovely person use me. He was a great guy, and is, but needs to grow up enough not to block me out of nowhere because he suddenly decided distance was a relevant factor. Sigh.

In other news, I'm friends with an amateur pornstar, he just needs to reach the big one-eight. ...god DAMN he's hot. But he's also ANOTHER thing...

He's gay.

Oh well. I scarred him for life anyhow. Accidentally sent him a...photo...meant for someone else. I burned his eyes. I MIGHT LOOK GOOD, but I understand. I'd never want to see one of my female friends nude. I'd never purposefully show a gay guy how I look nude. I was SO embarrassed because I felt bad. I did NOT mean to scar him xD I don't look bad at all, but it's just the whole, sexual preferences thing.

I bought myself something today. Fucking artist pencils. Gawd yes. I may, just may, try and start on that Alien drawing again...that is, IF I can find a good neck reference. Everyone loves the head so much that I really do wanna work on it.

Also.

POKEMON. X. Y.

Not my idea (Dyonisus, the true mew), but still...now I want a 3DS.

Xerneas. <3 amazing.="amazing." and="and" are="are" both="both" br="br" fennekin.="fennekin." i="i" iamme.="iamme." want="want" why="why" yveltal.="yveltal.">
Fucking Iamme. It's a damn fennec like Iamme. Not a fox-cat, no. But a fennec fox. Big ears and lanky, PLEASE let one of the evos look like my girl. I will...flip the fuck out in joy and buy a 3DS off the Team Rocket Market.

Anyhow. I should le nap. My head fucking hurts. But I'm manic. Hmm.

Umm. Hmm. I wish my damn ulnar nerve injury would back the fuck off. It keeps getting aggravated again and again.

...wow, for once I just deleted what I was gonna say. I'll ask google that question. ...eh, oh well. It'd have been funny though. I bet you can poke a baby with anal beads.

Sigh...this mania bothers me. I wish I didn't have mixed, manic, or depressed moods. I want to have a non-bipolar mood. I'm always balanced on the right part of the teeter-totter...