Smash Me Like a Lamp

Last night my dream consisted of wasps and Harry Potter. Wasps disturb me, I would rather never have to think of them again. Staring at one, cold and moving slowly, within 2 panes of glass is alright. But everything else scares me.

Can't recall the magic parts of the dream. Had school in it, and a water slide...and a rollercoaster.

Lucky me. The guy I had to break up with because I never saw him (which, in a real life relationship, i can't handle --- only online can i handle it)...is going out with my good friend now. I'm going to fall apart soon. I don't know why I keep checking facebook for a reply. I'm a glutton for heartbreak it seems.

The guys I seem to fall always end up hurting me. Or it doesn't work. Currently my crushes are on unattainables --- online guys, people sans interest, and a guy without a facebook who probably just considered me as his permanent gym partner.

Why am I such a damned hopeless romantic. I don't get it.

Most love songs are sad because pain desires release, and one's voice is a velveteen option.

I pulled Buffy up on my chest before I got out of bed, before I knew what it hurting me now. She rubbed her maw against me, nuzzled me, licked my chin so sweetly...I love her so much...I don't want to hurt anymore.

Death by Choice

I should probably be working on my NaNo novel. To be honest, I don't care right now. I can't care. Every time the thought enters my frame of consciousness, it is shoved out. I'm not particularly fond of it. I would much rather be able to do what I want to and should do.

Every time I get on Blogger, I try my best write write up an entry. At the end this will be the death of me, seeing how I refused to go by Nakyr in my posts. I can only hope that my harasser never traces me without the other half of my internet name anywhere in this blog.

I'm single again, of course. I can't recall if I spoke of it; I got with a guy for a few months, but I saw him...6 times total maybe, if that? His mother was the most wonderful person in the world. Almost like falling in a vat of fiberglass.

Oh, that reminds me. I am fairly certain that the man in the news against cyber-bullying doesn't truly know what it is. He provoked it, he isn't getting bullied, he's being a baby. If you're going to call someone a Gay Nazi, you should probably have some evidence, and probably shouldn't make a crappily-edited picture with a flag and a swastika. Dickhead.

Bullying is being targeted for reasons that aren't just...

Such as a girl finding out everywhere I was on the internet and trolling me because her boyfriend said I was a stalker. It does seem though that I got things taken care of. Seeing how I did nothing. Thank goodness for having blackmail on that guy...

Umm...let's see. My mom died September 17th, and now even the topic of alcohol angers me. I wasn't affected when she died by the tragedy, but now she plagues my nightmares. Most recently, such as last night, I tried to hide beer from her. The night before she was walking around half-dead and bleeding and wouldn't stop drinking. Screw that shit.

I can't even get the hiccups anymore like a regular person. I sound just like my mom did the day she died. Every time I hiccup. It hurts. It's breaking me.

Buffy is still my adorable, precious sweetheart. I love her more than life itself. She's my goofy little goofball, and absolutely brilliant. I love her to death, even if she finds me to be an amusing chew toy.

^ Caught as she cleaned her lips. Looks like she's on something.

There's my girly snoozing next to my netbook.


Oh yes; I went to the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear. I suppose I can link to my facebook photo album of pictures I took if/when I finish uploading them. I can proudly say I picked up more than 2 pocketfuls of trash. :3

I suppose that's it for my life right now. Winter is coming and changing the air, and Buffy is convinced she can make me leave the outside door open. Heh, it's hopeless, it's far too chilly.

Hasta la vista, persona(s)...I truly doubt there will be any.

Sweet like Cinnamon...

Don't call my name, Alejandro...

In my last blog, I mentioned a sexy beast...I still have him, but I don't want him anymore.

I found another boy. It was just a little crush...we related. We'd both been banished from a lunch table. I told a friend, who told his ex, who told him...

He was stuck on her, but...eventually...chose me, because she...she and him wouldn't work. He asked me out...I said yes. We kissed a week later...it was...lovely. I'd never had a kiss where I wanted to kiss the boy again afterwards. But I kept going back for another...

He falls on the sweet side of me...not the catty. Let's see how things go...I'm...not quite sure yet.

Let's see.

Here I am again.

Again, I'm trying with a boy.

I think I've got him wrapped around my finger.

He's damned handsome. No lie. Every time I see him I think of how hot he is. When I first saw him, I thought I didn't have a chance. But now...

I wonder if I can love him. But if I can't, at this point, I've come to a revelation: I don't need to.

I've felt true love. I've known what it's like to not be able to stand the thought of dying and hurting the one you love. But I suppose it's better not to live my life that way. Or maybe not...I can't be sure.

I just hope I can hold onto him. I want him so badly. I hope he'll remain mine. I really don't want to have my heart broken again...

I can't even count the amount of times it's happened by now.

~ Anzel

Why an Eternity

I'm worn. Drained. I want nothing. I am nothing.

It doesn't take much to wipe me out. I'm not sure what did it this time. I just feel...tensed, a little uncomfortable.

I want to drive a thousand miles away and lie under a cliff, the warm-cold soil falling on my face as the wind blows the grass on the ledge above me, the roots shaking loose their cage.

I want someone and I want no one.

I don't like feeling like this. I have felt this a thousand times over, but it never feels familiar, it always just feels like it always feels. I could explode right now. I could sleep. I could break everything in my way, I could cry. I don't like this.

I'm starting to feel the effects of my estrus. I want to act on things but know better. This will not be pleasant.

I look and feel retarded because I just scratched a mole right under my jaw. It's gonna bleed forever...<<;

*sighs* I hate my life...

Last night I lay awake listening to "Shake It" on full blast. I felt the stereo of it through my earphones, making me feel I was there. It made me think of him.

I don't know why I like him.

So I joined OkCupid because eHarmony was obviously FAIL. You had to pay for it. No thanks. I've found my bf's through free Pokemon forums, I would do it again if I had to.

Lotsa guys, most were ehh. Why? ...hair. Hair hair hair. Short-haired guys don't appeal to me. If they appeal, it's just...rare. Like a guy I'll term as "Teddy Bear" at my school. I have no idea why I like him. Or Drop-Dread/Stallion/whatever I should call him (my friend nicole would understand either way, heh). But the first was a no-go because...because. Second ended up with the cutest friend I have, and to break them up would be to step on a puppy wearing a clown hat. YOU CANNOT. DO. THAT.

I was outta options, someone posted something about eHarmony, I joined, quit, googled, found another site w/ good reviews...OkCupid. Answered questions. Perused. Repeat a few times. Finally found a few guys that seemed decent.

The next day I talked to a few people I was interested in...that was a failure. No clicks on any of them. I expanded my search to long distance...found a few peeps. Only sent one a message. Stayed online for a while, then done...

Next morning...chatted with previous people. Nobody caught my eye, most convos I only stayed with out of politeness. Only one started to catch my eye. Then I started to be waiting for a reply. And, at some point...I ended up deleting every favorite I had except for him.

We talked...and talked...and something felt right...

Now I'm curious. How will it last. How LONG will it last....can he handle me...will he stay?

...will he leave me in the most painful way by leaving without a word? The most completely unbearable pain I have ever known...

I feel like a stalker...but I want to know everything about him...I want to figure him out, to be with him...I wonder if he returns this...

I wish we could talk more when I am actually sane (in the evening) xD;;

Wish me luck, oh nonexistent friends of Blogger...

Spasm of the Diaphragmal Center

I don't like feeling insane. I am out of control. I know it. A heat radiates in my rib-cage and up my neck. The heat is fierce.

I could kill anything right now heartlessly. No, I couldn't...but I want everyone to leave me alone. I could hate anything right now.

Why am I such a mess?

Fix me, world...:/

The Mouth of the Dragon

Why am I a freak. Why does it hurt so much. Why can I never be normal.

It keeps hitting me, again and again. I tear up, but all I want is sleep. I wish I was normal.

I need someone to help me...*sighs*...

Sweet Things

Life is fairly unbearable. I feel like a swan in a pool of familiar ducks, I feel like the one south wind against the north.

My friend NV stood up for me today...she sat with me because people rejected me. They don't like me for being different. I'm a freak. They hurt me every time they reject me. I get so scared thinking about them that my hands tremble...my whole body tingles. I don't like it...I feel the simmer right now, as I speak...

I'm...lucky to...have at least one true friend. She's been there for me a lot and is one of the few people as this school that I know is a good person. I want to give her a gift, but I'm poor...so I let my racing, newly-oiled mind on the bus decide that I'm going to give her gift inside her Yearbook. I'm going to write a thank you letter, write quotes, and decorate the page as beautifully as I can. She, AA, AC...they've all stood by me. I hope one day I can repay them...they deserve it.

Life is...complicated. Painful, stressful, simmering, burning. Full of yearning, hating, trying, nobody listening...

But even with my hormones fairly in check by now and out of the influence of mood droppers...I feel like misery. Sometimes I just want to cry...for no reason but my own...

And I..want someone.

But...who wants me...

No one.

It's Sad

It's sad that I can tell exactly where along in my menstrual cycle I am. Like...right now. Unfortunately I don't realize until a bit into it, but I'm currently a pathetic mess.

I'm in estrus.

I don't know how many other girls experience this similar phase of their cycle, but I definitely do. I notice it because I'll realize I'm focusing on specific guys again...or on guys in general.

Let's say there's a guy I liked --- because there is --- that I had gotten over enough to basically ignore. I don't EVER have him off my mind fully, but...I'm...recovering. It'll take a while. I fell for him hard.

When my estrus comes into view, I begin to feel entirely enamored with whoever happens to be on my mind. I am so SICK of having so little control of parts of my conscious mind.

I hate not being able to control what I'm doing. I'll preen and make myself look my best for guys who have no interest in me, and haven't for many years. It's pathetic. I can't do anything to stop it either.

If I didn't know better, I'd go on about how this guy has the warmest eyes, a calming voice, and is just...everything I ever wanted. But it wouldn't be me doing the talking.

Because I've done it before, and I got a man I thought was my true love. It was all just a deception from my hormones. Fuck it.

Sweet Things

Sweet things exist everywhere, I suppose. A thought, a smell, maybe just a random kindness. At this point in my life, I need a Sweet Thing...not a stupid little nothing, I need someone to always be mine. But I'm trapped in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of clueless, hopeless guys...and I'm just a hopeless girl.

It's sad meeting one of the rare treasures and finding them to be owned by another. It's sadder falling for a guy who falls for your friend. I made a promise forever ago that I would never be Cinna. And that is a promise I'll keep --- because Cinna is heartless and cruel.

I'm not sure who I am anymore. I've developed beyond Anzel, and I am definately far past Sheya. Utau is just a figment and Nakyr is...too free to be captured by my mind for too long. Am I Nadie, Natalie, Melanie...

At times in my nighttime dreamdays I am either Anzel or I am Nadie. Nadie is fading and Anzel is growing. Who am I, really? I wish I knew. I really do. And I wish I had someone.

I'm missing the seam that holds me together. I am codependent forever, and ever...

It seems I have to choice in the matter. I need someone else...

I need help.

Broken Record

Life is a broken record. I keep thinking of things from my past, and that's all life is, isn't it?

Every day is the same. It can have a fair share of new experiences and nice nostalgia, but in the end it's ALL THE SAME. Being alone doesn't help.

I had to choose between a trip with chorus or a trip with seniors. I felt a little left out the whole trip, but if I'd gone on the senior trip, I'd have to be reminded of bad memories and would have to ignore horrible people the entire time.

I want someone to share life with. I want someone with me. I don't want to be alone.