Don't forget.

If you hurt someone I am close to, a friend or simply someone I respect, I will be merciless.

That being said. Make sure you get your facts straight beforehand, I do not like making a fool of myself with my bluntness and extreme coldhearted analysis of what I believe are the facts.

Derek's out of my life. Just...not going to go into it. I am unthrilled, I will take months at least to stop myself from saying his name in my head when I hurt and want someone to turn to.

We melted a knife in the oven at work yesterday. Freaked out at a plastic smell, the entire store reeked, then  Jess found it and laughed like, "YOU FUCKING TARDS LOL" at my co-worker and I as we removed the metal with tongs and flew outside to dispose of it before our boss came in. No one knows what happened, the knife hasn't been seen in a while, maybe something fell in the oven or something happened near the wall? Who knows. The boss doesn't. That's all that matters.

*yawns* Sticking up for people is a half-and-half for me. I have before been very good when it came to this aspect. But at the same time, sometimes my friends actually were full of shit. Like my ex-best friend. Lost a friend y defending what she told me. But I am so ruthless that once all is said and done there's no turning back.

Got Dean's gf? to block me on fb because I went after her with a fiery spite for her trying to pull the long distance abandon-and-forget-he-existed move. I may be right, maybe she just replied angrily, defending herself and blocking me, because I caught exactly what she was up to.

Seeing how Dean did it to me once, I knew. EXACTLY. What she was doing.

No. Mercy.

If you are my friend, to the point where I feel respect for you, I will take a knife for you. Doesn't mean if I find out you weren't going to be knifed and I took a needless knife, that I won't be pissed. But I will take the knife.

I can be absolutely distant and not talkative about 95% of the time, but when I am needed I am loyal. My anxiety disorder and mood swings do not change that. If you can tolerate my defects enough to see who I truly am and accept me, then when you really need someone, I am there.

Mind-fuck. Can't sleep.

I'm...extremely scared right now. Clothes hamper bag in front of door, huddled up on my bed, freaked.

When, at 2:38 AM, you receive a phone call from a restricted number, it's odd. Here's what happened.
"Hello?"
".................."
"Hello?"
"............
"...Okay then, um--"
"Auoooouuuhhnnn"
"What?"
"(incomprehensible quiet words)"
"Hello?"
"Help...me..."
"..Who are you?"
"AHHHuuughhahhhggh..."
.......

The speaking part was confusing but the moans/scream were...so fucking realistic. I'm...freaked. But I dialed the non-emergency police number and they said they couldn't do anything to trace the call...

I just...it...it could have been a prank, it probably was. But fucking damnit, I feel like I just woke up from a nightmare, I'm just...freaked out and scared right now...

---

That's what I put on fb, I was too lazy to retype. The incomprehensible words sounded like, "I need you to help me Christina..." It was a girl, but...I just...

God DAMNIT I'm freaked.

Man Down.

Internet issues, chest tightness, Derek the Douchebag ignoring the fuck out of me...could it get better?

DayZ refusing to work for me, Morrowind crashing on me, having to close at work tomorrow with my least favorite bitch...

Derek you need to man up and stop being a fucking coward and running from the only damned person who really, really cares just because you wanna repress everything. God damn I hope one day I get you back and way in the future you get permitted to read my blog, so I can watch you wince at how much of an ASSHOLE you were. I'm thinking about asking Alyssa for your address but it'd be so awkward and...and I've...

As much as I hate you right now I don't want to lose you. *sighs* If you'd man up and talk to me...be willing to tolerate a little awkuerdity (my own word; unsure of spelling) , I could AFFORD. TO. HAVE. YOU. VISIT. ME.

I. COULD.

I have about $54.50 in change and far over $100 in dollar bills. But nope, you're a dick and you run.

"ive been frustrated, tired, sick and i take it out on undeserving people"

"Ok, time to catch you up to what has happened to me lately. The internship with the bills didn't happen. So I got depressed, didn't want to talk to pretty much anyone. Add in some family issues, and getting suspended from hockey for two games, I hated life at the time. And I unfortunately think I don't see you in the way you see me, and I hate that i let you down again. I don't deserve you in that way. Thats why I've been reluctant to talk."

*sighs*...quotes...from the past week or two...

I don't get you you damnable fuckwad. I'm so tired of the damned excuses. All of them I understand but god DAMNIT now you're PURPOSEFULLY IGNORING ME. I want you to hurt like I am right now. Karma, have your way with him. Knock some god damned sense into that boy...

Idc if I spam his phone, I don't care anymore. I am far more than patient. WITH HIM. JUST. HIM.

I'd rather sleep in a room of yellowjackets than lose you...

Because god damnit you're one of few real people with a good heart out there...stop making this so hard...man up...

Suicidal Terrified.

Wellbutrin obviously doesn't do much for me now...suicidal...

No desire to wake Dean. No one I have real feelings for cares atm. So I'm stuck with a knot in my throat and nausea at my chest...

Doxylamine...300 mg might fuck with me...At this point I just don't care...I don't feel I have anything to live for anymore...all I do is disappoint people...Derek won't respond...never would...I might vomit...

Derek..could stop me...he could stop me, but he won't...my mind doesn't give a shit what other people say...I might curl up on the floor now...

I'm so alone...sometimes I wish my heart would stop beating...

I want love...

I might hurt myself. My body says it's a good idea right now...wanna slice my thigh open but the pain makes me cringe...I just want to bleed a little...

I am not sane right now but this is literally how my mind is thinking...such a dark place...empty...quiet...only has a want for self-hurt...only...

Realization

I hope that you're unhappy
Hiding there with a plain face
Smile for the fucking world
Feel the pain fester
Shove away the other person who knows
There's something more there
Why do you ALWAYS hide
I don't care about the fucking mask-hidden truth
But you do
You ALWAYS do
And you will continue to hurt the people who care
Even if I was there
You'd hide until it erupted
You don't even give me a chance
I give you a thousand chances
Play happy
I don't care
No, I do
I care far too damn much
Because I love the person I know is there
But this mask can go to hell
You-masque needs to go to hell
Burn, simmer
Every day I do
Because I don't know what to do with you
Wait? Hope?
What hope?
What hope is there when you hide?
If you wear a pair of glasses too long it leaves an indent
If you wear a mask for too long you face takes shape
Take.
It.
Off.

You're a douchebag, you know that?
Not you
Youmasque, always, always does this
I would not care
If I hurt
Every day of my life
If you were in it, a part of it, and I carried your pain
Because no one else carries your pain
You let people know some but no one fully knows you
You fucking admitted that
I'm different
I know
Oh god do I know
But so are you
In a good way
I see it now
It took me so long
My mom saw it
Now I see it
But no, you have decided to take the easy way
You call it losing but you're just quitting
Tossing this game
Well, this game keeps coming back
In your mind so you always retrieve it
Now I'm in a closet and maybe you'll retrieve me again
Maybe
Maybe not
Maybe you're just a horrible person
Maybe you decided to become the guy you've been pretending to be to make life easier
And if that's so then I don't want you in my life anymore you stupid fuck

I could
Have given up
LONG. AGO.
I give up
On a lot
I hide myself
A lot
But only around some.
I am me, plain and simple
And I know you, plain and simple
Not what makes you but your whole
That empty hole
Is there, junk will never stay there permanently
Stop shoving me away
Eventually you'll realize
Maybe too late
Maybe I'm wrong, maybe you really are an ass
But damnit if I don't believe that in my heart
But god damn you if you have decided to become an assfuck

There's...

Something about you that neutralizes me.

I am...I am inconstant...
I am always changing...
From one mood to the next...
Swinging highs and lows...
And you were there to catch me, always there
That goofy grin and the stupid little things you'd say
That would seem so foolish at the time
Smile for me
It's been...a very long time
I think I'm the only one who will ever say it now
But it's something I've taken to heart
I've...taken you to heart...
And not on purpose
God, no, not on purpose
I have had plenty of suitors
Plenty
None of them were rejected because of you
They were rejected by me, by myself, because myself knew

Don't flatter yourself.
You have your flaws.
You repress.
You refuse to let it out and don't want to hear the sad truths of the past.
Your sanity is on the line and I know it.

If I could trust you
DAMNIT if I could trust you
I would part ways with you for...a year, maybe more...
If you'd come back to me
Give me a chance
But I'm lucky to even get a response from you nowadays
You've made several assurances before, and broken my trust a thousandfold
And yet, unlike a sane person I've accepted every excuse you've ever thrown at me.
Why?
Because it's all true and I know it.
You know my Aunt told me you're just a guy.
Just another guy who is telling shit and using me, using a pretty girl, fooling her
That if you actually had an interest in me, you'd pay to see me, you'd make it work no matter what

If I were any other girl
I might. Fucking. Believe her.

But nope.

I'm stupid, or so it seems.
I trust you. I understand you.
Money, life, work. Everything.
And you know what? Though it's always a problem, I fucking deal.
I tolerate it.
I don't give up on you.
But you?
You.
Take life.
Out on me.
ME.
The girl you used to adore.
The one girl in this world that might actually care about you more than you care about yourself.
You make me whole.
You make the bad thoughts go away.
You never trigger mood swings.
EVER.

Do you realize.
How near impossible that is.
For a guy NOT to trigger my mood swings
AND have me be actually interested in them
The former isn't common, and the latter is near impossible.

You're amazing, Derek
Absolutely amazing in every way...
If only you'd just...see it like a part of me sees it...
You're a goofy, funny guy...
Your smile is comforting, your personality caring
You're silly but serious at the same time
You know when it's the right time to be serious...
You're still foreign to me...
You hide so much...but every new thing I learn makes me smile
You don't have to drink to have fun...
Which is amazing...but...
Might...be part of...why you have so much trouble handling life...
You're on your own...

You won't let me in...no matter how much I beg
I plead for you to trust me...to yell, scream
Place a bag on my head with your angers drawn upon it
And use me as a punching bag
I'd take it because you're one of the most deserving people
I know
Who has yet to truly have someone like that in their life yet...

Don't...EVER...
Tell me not to care again...
That is like saying
Watch this animal roast in the sun
As you hold shade and water
I can't
You are amazing
You deserve so much
I want to run up to you
And tackle-hug you to the ground
And scream in your ear
"YOU ARE AMAZING"
As loud as I can
Pray you don't fall over
And know that if you did
You'd make sure I wouldn't hit the ground with you...

Cat-Knack.

Derek, you give me a freaking headache, fuck you. All I do is care. Offer to be there. What do I get?

I get to watch you joke around with your friends on facebook while you said maybe you'll get back to me on Monday. Fuck you. If I didn't remember how I felt for you when I bought it, I'd rip up this $2 card and my sketch of Iamme...

Yes, it's a silly card. But it's Derek. Crummy, hang in there, all things that sound like what he'd say. It was perfect. Not relating to love because I know he's repressing stuff, just...friendly...

Won't give me his address, just...

I am...exhausted...

I love him, but I hate who he is right now. I just...I hate it.

And...now my grandma is telling me I should sit outside. This means, sit outside in the next 15 minutes or I'll get naggy. Lovely.

*sighs*...

Went on my first -real- date, nothing makeshift, and was actually asked. Wasn't majorly into the guy (I've dealt with ADHD before, it's...well, even minute ADHD + my mood disorders = frustration and mood swings), but he was nice. He bought me dinner, we went to see a movie (Ted)...

Derek...why do you have to be a fucking jackass...I have enough in fucking tips from work to go see you, but do you listen? Do you even fucking CARE? Nope. Doesn't matter anymore. I don't matter. Delete all traces of me.

I'm in such a rotten mood...it's all his fucking fault for being a douchebag...