Realization

I hope that you're unhappy
Hiding there with a plain face
Smile for the fucking world
Feel the pain fester
Shove away the other person who knows
There's something more there
Why do you ALWAYS hide
I don't care about the fucking mask-hidden truth
But you do
You ALWAYS do
And you will continue to hurt the people who care
Even if I was there
You'd hide until it erupted
You don't even give me a chance
I give you a thousand chances
Play happy
I don't care
No, I do
I care far too damn much
Because I love the person I know is there
But this mask can go to hell
You-masque needs to go to hell
Burn, simmer
Every day I do
Because I don't know what to do with you
Wait? Hope?
What hope?
What hope is there when you hide?
If you wear a pair of glasses too long it leaves an indent
If you wear a mask for too long you face takes shape
Take.
It.
Off.

You're a douchebag, you know that?
Not you
Youmasque, always, always does this
I would not care
If I hurt
Every day of my life
If you were in it, a part of it, and I carried your pain
Because no one else carries your pain
You let people know some but no one fully knows you
You fucking admitted that
I'm different
I know
Oh god do I know
But so are you
In a good way
I see it now
It took me so long
My mom saw it
Now I see it
But no, you have decided to take the easy way
You call it losing but you're just quitting
Tossing this game
Well, this game keeps coming back
In your mind so you always retrieve it
Now I'm in a closet and maybe you'll retrieve me again
Maybe
Maybe not
Maybe you're just a horrible person
Maybe you decided to become the guy you've been pretending to be to make life easier
And if that's so then I don't want you in my life anymore you stupid fuck

I could
Have given up
LONG. AGO.
I give up
On a lot
I hide myself
A lot
But only around some.
I am me, plain and simple
And I know you, plain and simple
Not what makes you but your whole
That empty hole
Is there, junk will never stay there permanently
Stop shoving me away
Eventually you'll realize
Maybe too late
Maybe I'm wrong, maybe you really are an ass
But damnit if I don't believe that in my heart
But god damn you if you have decided to become an assfuck

There's...

Something about you that neutralizes me.

I am...I am inconstant...
I am always changing...
From one mood to the next...
Swinging highs and lows...
And you were there to catch me, always there
That goofy grin and the stupid little things you'd say
That would seem so foolish at the time
Smile for me
It's been...a very long time
I think I'm the only one who will ever say it now
But it's something I've taken to heart
I've...taken you to heart...
And not on purpose
God, no, not on purpose
I have had plenty of suitors
Plenty
None of them were rejected because of you
They were rejected by me, by myself, because myself knew

Don't flatter yourself.
You have your flaws.
You repress.
You refuse to let it out and don't want to hear the sad truths of the past.
Your sanity is on the line and I know it.

If I could trust you
DAMNIT if I could trust you
I would part ways with you for...a year, maybe more...
If you'd come back to me
Give me a chance
But I'm lucky to even get a response from you nowadays
You've made several assurances before, and broken my trust a thousandfold
And yet, unlike a sane person I've accepted every excuse you've ever thrown at me.
Why?
Because it's all true and I know it.
You know my Aunt told me you're just a guy.
Just another guy who is telling shit and using me, using a pretty girl, fooling her
That if you actually had an interest in me, you'd pay to see me, you'd make it work no matter what

If I were any other girl
I might. Fucking. Believe her.

But nope.

I'm stupid, or so it seems.
I trust you. I understand you.
Money, life, work. Everything.
And you know what? Though it's always a problem, I fucking deal.
I tolerate it.
I don't give up on you.
But you?
You.
Take life.
Out on me.
ME.
The girl you used to adore.
The one girl in this world that might actually care about you more than you care about yourself.
You make me whole.
You make the bad thoughts go away.
You never trigger mood swings.
EVER.

Do you realize.
How near impossible that is.
For a guy NOT to trigger my mood swings
AND have me be actually interested in them
The former isn't common, and the latter is near impossible.

You're amazing, Derek
Absolutely amazing in every way...
If only you'd just...see it like a part of me sees it...
You're a goofy, funny guy...
Your smile is comforting, your personality caring
You're silly but serious at the same time
You know when it's the right time to be serious...
You're still foreign to me...
You hide so much...but every new thing I learn makes me smile
You don't have to drink to have fun...
Which is amazing...but...
Might...be part of...why you have so much trouble handling life...
You're on your own...

You won't let me in...no matter how much I beg
I plead for you to trust me...to yell, scream
Place a bag on my head with your angers drawn upon it
And use me as a punching bag
I'd take it because you're one of the most deserving people
I know
Who has yet to truly have someone like that in their life yet...

Don't...EVER...
Tell me not to care again...
That is like saying
Watch this animal roast in the sun
As you hold shade and water
I can't
You are amazing
You deserve so much
I want to run up to you
And tackle-hug you to the ground
And scream in your ear
"YOU ARE AMAZING"
As loud as I can
Pray you don't fall over
And know that if you did
You'd make sure I wouldn't hit the ground with you...