A Shimmer in the Storm

I suppose I did need a little spark, something that could try and lift me from my depression. I hope this actually works, however.

I am all a-twitter and blushing, likely due to ovulation. I finally am feeling sleepy at night, but still not capable of falling asleep. God, I miss my meds. I was able to sleep at least a bit better when I was on them, now I just feel wired. Or, wired around my ability to sleep.

I don't know what to do with Yours and Mine, or Drip Drop. I just can't seem to write beyond a point; I get stuck. I imagine a writing class could help with that, but I don't know. I still am not sure what I want to do.

I like helping people. It is amazing when I can really help someone with something, for instance, with betta fish. To know I told them everything they need to know, that they'll go home with something that will make them happy, and will be happy with them.

But I don't like other things...idk.

The spark has gone for the moment, but oh well. I knew it'd never last, as it never does. The fact remains that I have him and I truly am not looking for anyone else. Yes, my eyes wander, my thoughts stray, and I do want to appeal to others, flirt, and be wanted. But I always want those things. ESPECIALLY when I'm in heat.

It's hard to maintain desire towards a dense guy who doesn't understand he needs to do sweet, random things, on his own. I have no connections to him outside of the internet, and it's very, very hard to deal with sometimes. It's easier to let my frustration with this out than to hold it in and fake being blindly happy.

Too much works makes Zel An odd child

In order to make this all work, I need money. So I opted for more work than my unmedicated self can handle. I've pretty much been afk from the majority of the internet for the past week, only focusing on what I dubbed important or curious. I feel I need more than 2 days off this week (not 2 in a row, just 2 in general), 8 days of work in a row is a bit much for me...

I think half the battle is the bus because it's such a long trip. Not even that, it's the walk home. I can tolerate walking down the hill, but not up. It wears me out...so much...I'm always out of breath, always have a headache, always coated with sweat.

I wish I had people to help me with the visa. I feel alone. Reece has done enough. The money for paying off my mistake with college was more than enough...there's not much else he can do. I..need help on my end. I don't have anyone to help me. People I have as "friends" never stick around long, and are never close enough to "hang out" with, ever...

I am not even nearly indestructable. I am self-destructable, slowly...I'm trying to let my mind speak but she's pretty broken. Iamme hurts inside of me and wants an easier way, and knows if I lose all this it's done and I have no other way.

People are horrible and I don't know why I try, and I'm locking up the rest of my mind with a key as I type...

I need a visa and need to get out of here...how...help...

Inspirational Entertainable CHEESE!

I'm feeling more manic than usual right now so I feel the urge to write. Not sure what I have and haven't mentioned on my blog since it's been untouched for so long...

Well, for one, Spotify fails at life, I'd adore an alternative.

Two, my bettas are doing lovely. Sunset is my grumpy boy and greets me whenever I wake up. He must watch me, because as soon as I shift around in bed he swims to the front of his bowl and flaps his fins at me. It's cute. The others do too but not to his stalwart intensity.

Three, still wondering how I'll be getting to Australia. Reece and I are an inseparable pair at this point ((all because of troll-Con xD)), but getting a visa is a pain in the ARSE. But I'm at least doing my research of what it'd be like to live there. So many animals in pet stores are native to Australia...Parakeets, Finches, Bearded Dragons...it's so odd.

Not returning to school here, it's complicated. But here's the gist of it: I'm off my meds. Yep. Off the meds I held dearly too, and now I'm unstable to the max once more.

I am 99.9% positive I have IEED, or involuntary emotional expression disorder. There might be a side of cyclothymia in there, but it could also just relate to my menstrual cycle.

And now I must end this blog, for I must shower then scamper off to work in the bullshit 45% humidity heat. It's apparently 89 atm and feels like 92...but when I leave it'll be 92 feeling like 95. Not a cloud in the sky.

At least in Australia, they have aircons. Lucky. I have a fan =.=

I am off~

The Inhuman bell

I'm going off of my Prozac. Yep.......>_< I can't even be jokey right now because my body feels...UGH. First it was lethargy and it got worse, and now I feel...off. Tingly and unpleasant.

I need to get started on a LOT of things in my life. But I'm shutting down from this. Moving to Australia is the main thing, I need to figure out what to do in relation to that.

Ugh...I have felt better. Where is my damn zyrtec. x.x My eyes are sticky. I feel awful...

Lucksweet.

It's nice to finally, for once, find someone that gets vibes. I get vibes from people, in photos, in ways they talk or act. So many. So does Con.

So I can have someone to agree with me about, for instance...getting a bad one about someone's ex.

Who..never deserved someone like him...or so the vibe reads to me.

He's genuine and she's not...which is why the photo doesn't hurt me. Why I saved it.

He's so genuine...

I'm lucky...

Wishes.

So fucking happy I bought a purse. Not really related, but I did.

And I am..

...I..Idk. No one gets jealous of me. No one...has..ever just...complimented me like that out of thin air. I...lovely? I think about him and I melt a little thinking someone genuinely good, likes me. There's something so wonderful about him. I ...wish...I could be near him..

As the soft sweet cries.

I am...hmm. Not sure anymore what to do.

I got lucky for once with someone I was physically attracted to. Fuck yes. So hot. Loved it.

*shrugs* BUCKET LIST IS ALL HAPPY NOW.

Now I feel like, for once...I can just find someone to date. I don't have any unfulfilled desires that can't be filled now relating to looks.

Now I think maybe I'll spend time crushing on unattainables. Let's see.

So one is just enjoyable to talk to. Problem is more-so looks if only because I know most guys don't feel like losing weight and THOUGH I CAN GET USED TO THINGS EASILY, I know I get turned off by said things and it would bug me occasionally.

The other is just really great as a person. I feel unjudged and understood. And I do find him attractive. But there's the age difference, not that I care but most people care about said things.

*shrugs* And there's distance.

I dunno. Should I work on anything? Should I give up? Should I let myself flirt and be hopeless because it's how I am?

I'm honestly not sure. But at least now I feel like I could be 100% faithful to someone in all aspects. I just wish there was any hope at all. Is there?...

I guess the only reason I think there may be, is because of the multiple people I've ended up with in online relationships. Because I WOULD be willing to move someday. Problem is the other people's tolerance of distance...sigh.

Idk right now. I wish I did.

So much rape.

Not really, but with some friends it can be fun to say.

I am a horndog right now. I wish I could satiate myself, but can't flirt because I feel awkward, and can't talk about it with people because when anything pertains someone I can't talk to them about it.

BLOG POST DONE.

And so the world nights.

Having crushes sucks. Especially when they're on people from far, far away. I mean...sigh. I'm confused right now. I confuse myself.

Problem one, I just cannot stand anyone overweight, being with them...because of sexual things, and clamminess. It's never seemed tolerable. I tried my best to convince a semi-nearby guy to lose weight for his own sexual benefit, but it never got through to him. I doubt it would in this case either. Though to be honest, it's more tolerable when the guy isn't hairy.

Problem two, distance. Though to be entirely honest...I wouldn't mind moving somewhere, some day. That isn't something worrying for me, if they're tolerant.

Problem three is that my hormones make me like multiple people right now. So I'm not sure. I mean, saw Con in a video, for some reason immediately thought hot. This is strange because, well? I never used to. I think I've gotten to the age where guys that look mature actually fit into my criteria. BUT LIKE I SAID, hormones. I DON'T KNOOOWWWWW.

Bah. I wish I knew what I wanted. I do. But it's not that simple. Because I'm a female. And my hormones are crazed.

I dunno. It's...flattering to know a guy actually might like me though. Without me initiating it, or getting to know them on a dating website. It's a first really because people don't exactly crush on me. Ever. It makes me blush like a maniac to hear someone might like me. I like shyness. I like knowing everything. I'm curious but so many questions can't be asked because...taboo. Sigh. I wonder what Con, himself, thinks. Not sure, pretty sure it's nada because he doesn't seem interested in most people...that and I'm 21. Being young, so fun. Sigh. I dunno. But finding these things out are good fodder for daydreams. Though at the moment, it's been so long I have no idea what I'd even daydream about...

---

The sweets of dreams lie beyond the fences we have created
Worlds we cannot cross without pain and strife
Love knows no boundaries nor does the pain of a crush
That lingers upon the many you know but can't touch

You wonder and wander and hope that maybe someday
Someone will find you nearby within your grasp
But every time my heart lingers on another soul
He is far away, the lush and dewdrawn grass

Planets lie beyond as shining thunder
Of this world where a girl must always look out
Her hopes lying beyond all other horizons
Her heart filled with hopelessness and doubt

But her hope, my hope, it never isn't there
I know I'd try, I know I'd always care
Given the chance I'd dance upon the fingertips of a foreigner
But across the world is a risk for another her

Or him, because they never give a chance to the far girl
Who sits there hoping and sees the true smiles but knows better
So meeting the man who sees through her always seem wondrous
But always he lies beyond her reach...always

Daydreams are like the lilies buried beneathe the snow
Beautiful angels without eyes in a lightless white
If only the one who charmed my heart could simply wait a while
But people prefer flowers over trees in this endless night

Sedated.

Mania = sleep issues + ability to do things + more migraines than usual

And I have food poisoning from another damn Wendy's...

I need to sleep. But I can't. My head is singing its tinny ring...and my stomach is sick...

fml. I just...ugh. I want a sedative.

Cantera anela shiara vantera.

Life is...life. I've not had much urge to write, but honestly things have been filling my life up. I love my job, school is kinda difficult, and life's not going too bad.

Buspar is fucking amazing. It's like...wow. I want to find the doctor who diagnosed my mom and gave her meds, because he hit the nail on the head. It...helps so much, it's amazing.

Not long until I am free.

Nothing else to say, I've not been much for blogging recently for no one to read. Adios.

Different.

ohay imma tell u dat i wann u to do dis at any time 2day den expect it 2 be dun in 1 hur.

I'm an evening person. My grandparents are morning people. And so, I like to get things done later and they think that by 3 PM the entire day is gone. No, the day has just started, there's so much time now. Fucking psychotic...I get screamed up every day for every thing, and am so fucking sick of twisted messages and being imperfect in their eyes.

They tell me how much of a freak I am, daily.

I don't fucking need to hear it.

Hemikiller.

This migraine's getting worse. Pain meds aren't dulling it anymore. They're as effective against it as M&M's. The meds work for other pains in my body, but not this now.

Needless to say, I'm starting to lose it. Darkness, silence, sleeping, pain meds, warmth, cold...

Nothing works. Nothing. It feels like someone's stabbing needles into tiny areas on my head.

I'm afraid my aunt's migraines are finally gonna bear down on me. Shit it feels like a thousand small fingertips are tinking into my skull. On a scale of my known pain I'd give it 3 when least painful and 4.5 most. I'm losing my ability to describe it or really do much, or enjoy much, because it's more distracting than menstrual pain because it's in my fucking head.

My head is being smothered. And only the skull, not my face. Just my skull, from my brow and back. My ears are ringing like they have been on and off for a month. It's getting more prevalent. I...give up on pain meds because they honestly do nothing to this migraine. It's on par with my storm pains in its immunity to pain meds. But...at least my storm pains actually tell me something semi-useful. All this migraine tells me is...nothing.

Because there is NO. REASON. FOR. IT. RIGHT. NOW.

And normally there is a reason. But right now, there literally is nothing, because I've been so desperate to get rid of the pain I've done everything necessary...

Make it go away so I can enjoy life again...

The Problem with Mania.

The problem with mania is knowing your limits. Knowing better than to say things, knowing things you will and won't be able to do.

This is what makes bipolar people do some pretty crazy shit. I know I do. Fortunately I know I'm bipolar, and can feel the difference in my attitude compared to a few days ago, and KNOW I went from depressed to manic. Problem is, doesn't get rid of that superhuman feeling. I kind-of have to watch myself. Like...you're given morphine to life for a certain amount of time. But once it wears off you'll feel EVERYTHING and it'll all still be there, all but the life morphine.

So basically, gotta be careful not to do stupid shit. Like how I'd blab my damn mouth in high school and everyone saw how much of a freak I was.

It makes me feel superior when I'm like this. My dad knows what I mean, though he'd never admit it, I've seen his cycles. He feels the superiority for periods of time, then the depression where it's just...gone.

*shivers* Unfortunately it doesn't appear the 2 bipolar medications I took so far, work. Haven't tried lithium.

It's possible still that whatever my dad and I have is a play on anxiety and bipolar. A disorder that's not really classified yet. Plenty exist. I've met people like myself before. But they're few and far between.....and...misunderstood.

So, hmm. Back to my...strange...on-reins mania. I dunno. I'm stressing myself. God damnit. Make me normal...

Nadie.

My mind's not in the best place. Apparently Pepperann, or "Kaernk" as my dream mind labelled the spelling of her name, said something brilliant about love. And Derek can't wait to get back to me. Ha...as if.

With my luck this girl will see how amazing a guy he is and I'll lose out on him for good. Then again it sounds as if he's only known her a bit more than a week. But who knows, relationships are odd, and my odds aren't good.

It's hard at the moment because my fantasy boy has no sexual connotations whatsoever. When I was alone in the past I made an entire story of my character Nadie and her relationship with Nightcrawler/Kurt Wagner. I fell in love with his voice actor's voice in the X-Men: Evolution series. I close my eyes and he's there for my character who is over a hundred years old, but in a delicate unmoving state, as she has recreated herself.

She has atomic powers, and can manipulate matter. Unfortunately, in this way, she is a danger to herself, and has had to take many precautions never to harm herself accidentally in a dream. Kurt's the only one that is truly safe, because he can shift into her room and away, and she has found ways to send little messages to him if she needs him. Nadie used to be known as Melanie, and she never found true love. Nowadays she goes by Nadie, Natalie, Tani, Tabitha, Theresa...possibly more, but those are the most common. What she is called depends on how she is acting at that time.

Her body's covered with a sort of shield of her own making over time, of elements and atoms she couldn't easily manipulate, or that distracted her powers enough so she couldn't hurt herself. In a single moment she could turn her leg into a gas and lose it for good. She can create objects but living flesh is far too small, too complex, she can only make simple matters.

She often lies there and lets Kurt wrap his tail around her legs, holding her hand, telling him how she is afraid, how she is alone. He keeps it quiet from her about Melanie, who initially entrusted Kurt with care of her "child". Melanie did not have a happy life, and used all she learned to recreate herself, and giving her new self amnesia of most matters...

And a new chance.

Firey Widows in the Wind.

Fucking migraines are a bitch. And no, you can't make a bad joke out of that because my grammar makes it IMPOSSIBRU.

Life is complexicated. Had yet another lovely person use me. He was a great guy, and is, but needs to grow up enough not to block me out of nowhere because he suddenly decided distance was a relevant factor. Sigh.

In other news, I'm friends with an amateur pornstar, he just needs to reach the big one-eight. ...god DAMN he's hot. But he's also ANOTHER thing...

He's gay.

Oh well. I scarred him for life anyhow. Accidentally sent him a...photo...meant for someone else. I burned his eyes. I MIGHT LOOK GOOD, but I understand. I'd never want to see one of my female friends nude. I'd never purposefully show a gay guy how I look nude. I was SO embarrassed because I felt bad. I did NOT mean to scar him xD I don't look bad at all, but it's just the whole, sexual preferences thing.

I bought myself something today. Fucking artist pencils. Gawd yes. I may, just may, try and start on that Alien drawing again...that is, IF I can find a good neck reference. Everyone loves the head so much that I really do wanna work on it.

Also.

POKEMON. X. Y.

Not my idea (Dyonisus, the true mew), but still...now I want a 3DS.

Xerneas. <3 amazing.="amazing." and="and" are="are" both="both" br="br" fennekin.="fennekin." i="i" iamme.="iamme." want="want" why="why" yveltal.="yveltal.">
Fucking Iamme. It's a damn fennec like Iamme. Not a fox-cat, no. But a fennec fox. Big ears and lanky, PLEASE let one of the evos look like my girl. I will...flip the fuck out in joy and buy a 3DS off the Team Rocket Market.

Anyhow. I should le nap. My head fucking hurts. But I'm manic. Hmm.

Umm. Hmm. I wish my damn ulnar nerve injury would back the fuck off. It keeps getting aggravated again and again.

...wow, for once I just deleted what I was gonna say. I'll ask google that question. ...eh, oh well. It'd have been funny though. I bet you can poke a baby with anal beads.

Sigh...this mania bothers me. I wish I didn't have mixed, manic, or depressed moods. I want to have a non-bipolar mood. I'm always balanced on the right part of the teeter-totter...