Your Crazy Is Showing.

I love my baby doll, I really do. I might even be able to spend the rest of my life without finding another true love so long as she's there. But, if I must leave her here to pursue my life...I must leave her. I know she would be happier here...and I know she'd miss me more than anything, just like I'd miss her. But I know it'd be for the best...

My dad's been getting on my bad side more and more. I believe he cried today thinking about mom. I don't care. If he really gave a shit he'd stop drinking, he'd do something. Instead he avoids the subject and just...meh.

My Aunt Dianna (well...godmother) and I talked for an hour, and it's basically settled that I'm gonna move down there and live with her for a little, then live with Cam.

With my dad being ruder every day, I would like to get away from him as soon as I can. Today I mentioned boys, and he said, "You need to find a guy with money. It kind-of goes without saying!" Fucking...dickhead.

Found a lot out about my mom. Well, not a lot, but...at least I now know she did the taboo thing I do nightly to induce sleepiness. So many girls do. So few can say this though, because it's extremely taboo. Taboos bother me.

I..miss having a mother...to understand what I'm going through...Dianna knows. She knows my dad...she knows how his voice is, how cruel but sane he can sound and how much it hurts. How I get cornered and am walking on a broken-glass road.

Oh...met with that boy I mentioned. Ehh. I don't see anything happening...I'm not at all physically attracted, to his body, face, eyes, voice...any of it. I did at some points think why not because he was so sweet and kind and had never even held a girl's hand...but got deterred by him scratching and rubbing his sock during the movie <<; For quite a while. Needless to say that never came to fruition.

Looking forward to Hurricane Irene. Ike was...amazing. Standing in those winds is one of my favorite memories, I felt like life herself.

Still thinking that earthquake was due to fracking. Either way, this image is epic:



Americans aren't the smartest, the fairest, they aren't much of anything good...but what they are? Amusing. Interesting. Intriguing. :P

---

Random song worth listening to for the moment:

Could You Bite The Hand? - Steve Conte ((first link))

My Own Petty Little Thoughts

Below is a poem I wrote in November of 2006. A friend had lied to me about a guy I liked, embarrassing me and enjoying every moment of it.. This was before I was on any medication, before I'd been with my first love, and my mood fluctuated easier than ever.

I would go into deep, depressed states during my mania and become more philosophical than I ever am now. I wrote this poem during that time. Everyone who has taken the time to read it in its entirety has gotten something from it.

You will feel, and you will think.



-----







I write to myself in slate grey pencil
Upon this white piece of paper.
The lines are straight, perpendicular, organized.
Human.
I think of what to write.
My thoughts, deepest desires, they spill through my hand
In my sloppy slate grey.
They read, they don't know.
It is just another piece of paper
With words written on it,
Not even my own.
I can't own my own words anymore,
They are real,
You can feel them.
But they are fake.
Nobody takes the time
To know the writer behind
Those venetian blinds
Who just sits there, daydreaming,
Her thoughts sometimes sad,
Yet often correct.
I speak of myself, don't you know
The real me,
The me that is hidden in your web of what you want to believe.
That everything is perfect.
Human.
With answers that are always there,
Always definate.
So you tell of me to your friends.
Maybe in front of me, behind me, side to side
Out of my earshot,
And you laugh at the false me
Portrayed to your friends
For a simple nothing.
I just sit there not knowing,
Writing myself into this paper,
I can't hear.
But that is the poison,
The thing that keeps me awake at night.
I wonder
How many humans there are out there
Like those others,
They aren't people.
So few are actually people
Who can realize that they are looking at this false reality,
This small picture
I dwell in.
They feed,
They smile,
They think they know.
But they don't.

So I sit here writing on my paper
In slate grey
And I think to myself,
Will anybody read this,
Will they know,
Can they understand,
Must I scream at the top of my lungs
Without a voice,
Without a human soul
To hold me up, beliefs aren't my false support.
I have none.
No people are there,
Only bodies.
Many-celled, all functioning.
Just alive.
But not really.

Can I cry,
Can I please cry
And leave this world,
So full of lies poured into us by our own perceived world.
Human.
We can't break free with the help of others,
We can't take just one thing and run,
So why do we always try,
Why do I always try
To get you to listen,
Spilling everything out on this piece of paper,
Square, lined, human,
These symbols that mean so much to you.
We are human, different than animals.
We were created
To be intelligent,
To worship Him.
And yet, is it
An answer
That can be proved,
Or is it just an answer,
A theorum in this world
Without numbers, no calculations,
That all dead things know
But we cannot perceive.
And even if we return to life,
It is gone.

This life,
Is it over yet,
Am I free,
Will I ever be free.
I sigh, knowing
Nobody will understand.
It is just another poem,
Just another person pretending to know,
But how could I pretend,
How could I be your fake truth
When I question those who make them,
So inquisitively.
Just another philosopher,
Another girl,
Just a child.
I'll grow up.
And I'll be another one of them.
But how can I
When they have dropped me so many times.
Maybe I am broken.
Maybe I am the weak link
In this chain of humanity.
And so
I accept
Your generous offer
Of broken.

I might as well give up
Writing this pointless poem
To another human
Who won't see any farther beyond where they see now.
They will see,
But only in those few things.
Politics, religion, school, economy, environment,
Even the people who realize what we are doing to the world
Are blind
To what I say.
To what I see.
Do they care,
Why should they,
I'm just breaking their perfect world,
Their human masterpiece,
Where the big picture is in view,
But the focus is out
And we need glasses.

I write.
I sit here.
I try and make them understand.
But they'll just send me to a counselor,
I'm insane.
But at least I am sane in the most refined definition,
My own.

Senseless, gutless,
There is no part of me in this.
I am not this paper.
But these symbols represent what I have thought,
What the world has to think
But can't.
I'm the world's trash bin,
And they throw all of these ideas,
All of this knowledge
Into me
And expect me to let it go,
Let it fade away,
Be human.

I accept what the world lets me have,
And I accept what the world wants of me.
But acceptance is a lie,
Just a word,
I will be who I am.
Your small and sweet human remedy,
This treatment you give to everyone
To blind them from it all,
I take it.
I'm immune.

So I'll write down my poison,
The trash they threw into me.
I can hope.
No matter how pointless hope is,
Even if everyone tells me I'm useless,
I'm just asking what they've all questioned before.

You are reading this,
But are you reading this.
My thoughts.
Our thoughts.
The thoughts we all have
But have hidden away from the light
Because of this morphine called the human picture.
Our tiny tapestry,
Woven from false thoughts.
We are so delicate,
Yet so stubborn.
Human things can burn us,
But the water I pour on them of truth
Just drips off.

Is that it.
Am I meant to.
To drip away.
My thoughts,
Are they only mine,
Can somebody else out there hear.
I'm tired of it.
I want to be heard,
I know I am in you.
I am the voice you've locked up behind these human walls
But you will never let speak.
The meaning of this to me isn't just for writing,
It isn't depression,
But it is.
It is everything.
Do you get it.
Does anybody get it.

What is it.
I don't know why I keep trying to make you understand.
That fake criticism,
Those false smiles,
You say I'm a good writer.
I'm smart,
But how do you know.
There is so much more here than I know.
But we all know,
We all do,
That this is without an end,
A circle I keep running you around,
But you will never find the point that I am leading you to.
It isn't visible to the eyes of most.
Only those who look
Will find it.

I'm full of it,
Aren't I.
I'm loaded with things that mean nothing.
Even if I tell you,
Even if I scream to the world that they can't see,
They will continue
And say that my views are not important.
And they aren't.
But knowing,
Knowing is.
Being able to understand this,
That there is more to life than what you see,
What you accept.

But why should I.
I waste your time.
I am the waste,
A waste to this world for crying out.

People like me.
I know why they aren't here.
They are dying out,
Being picked out of this perfect human world.
There is no use for imperfections here.
So those who realize the faults,
That the world isn't just human,
And that there is never an answer,
They just go.
Alone.
Unheard.
Pretending to be them.
But they aren't.
I know they aren't.
So stop fooling the world,
This isn't a joke.

Just try.
Try,
Look,
Think,
How do you perceive
And why.
How do you know something created this,
That everything does have a beginning
And ending,
So perfect.
But those little things,
The things that make you cry,
They are human things.

Have you ever thought,
Ever wondered,
If this is final.
There is no more.
Nobody else like you,
Only these chosen things.
Popularity, individuality, being someone.
But are you.
Is that all there is.
How about thinking to yourself,
Why is it important.
What is important
And does it matter.

Does it matter
That I just write.
I just keep on writing my thoughts.
My own
Petty
Little
Thoughts.
I wonder if anybody is
Not reading,
Not thinking,
But feeling how I feel.
If maybe I can get through.
But I won't.
It is just a struggle.
I can't.
I can't,
Why.
Why do I try.
Must I try right now to get you to listen,
To see,
To get it,
To see that you are just hiding the reality behind the picture,
That crack in your wall.
It is still your wall.
But it's not perfect.
Hide it, fix it.
So pointless, represents nothing,
The thing is only left if it represents something.
Why not just leave it there anyways.
It does represent something.

I am the cracked wall
Writing to you
With this slate grey pencil
On paper.
So perpendicular.
Correct.
Lined.
Perfect.

...

And I don't know why.

Kaisrince!

Last night I went to eat a piece of my dad's cheesecake. I only permit myself 2 pieces total from every cake because I didn't buy it. Gravity hated me. I learned why people use pies as weapons --- they make the most absolutely satisfying, sticking splat sound when they hit something.

My dad came in and flipped on me 20 minutes ago for not going shopping. Sparked by his missing cheesecake. I explained what had happened and apologized. And he made it seem like I had avoided shopping just to sleep. No. I didn't go shopping because ONE, I only needed Lunchables and Zyrtec (i have enough food for 2 weeks anyhow, the lunchables are my lazy food), and TWO, I worked 4 to 10 that night and wanted to be well-rested, as I don't have the best stamina. So fuck me I suppose for wanting to function at work instead of going to the store to buy 2 things.

He just...

Now I'm waiting for him to come back in because I gave him the look a cat does when they are absolutely sick of something and don't give a shit anymore. Slow-blink glare.

:/..

Oh yes...found this.



Also, kaisrince is something I say a lot for 'ugh' or 'oy vey'-like experienced. Said with a Latin/Spanish type of pronunciation or wording, you could say.

She Didn't Die...She Killed Herself.

I'm in a sweet rut. Stumbled across someone on OkCupid that may be worth looking into...

Not sure if it'd pan out, I'm not...PARTICULARLY attracted to him physically. I mean...he does fit quite well into the "guys I don't go for the looks of but do go for" category for me...but I'm not certain if I have subconscious intentions that aren't favorable. I wish I knew. I do know I've read his profile word for word now, and tilted my head with a smile like I'd give something like...like the sweet little cat in the parking lot of Wal-mart, a stray that lives there.

He's never been in a relationship, but he wants one. And here's the main reason I'm thinking about things; he lives 30 minutes away.

...my god I'm going to lose my mind. It'd hard to type when the scent of your neighborhood skunk is slowly stinking up the room. *candle-grab of awesomeness* ANYHOW.

Yeah. I'm curious. I have no clue if it's work, but...you know, I'm not a bad first girlfriend, I wouldn't think. I know how to do quite a bit and do it right, so I can teach well. If things didn't pan out, he'd at least be more set. Sigh. I dunno.

The site is filled with tests...and from what they've gotten from him, he'd be simply sweet. Shyness, blushing...I adore them. My only hope would be that he's not big on teeth smiles...I hate them, and he has a similar issue to me with teeth ruining them (though mine are that they're all misaligned, his are just a tad stand-out-ish)...sigh.

Honestly though, I just thought, and though first things might be nice, I am wary. Scents, tastes, they tend to...well. I have far to vivid of senses. If he smelled bad or he tasted bad (because i'm a cannibal; lol, but brushing one's teeth is a good thing), I'd end up backing away. Someone like him would have it very fragile with said physical things, as they're more necessary to have good when your looks don't cut it. Well. Blah. He's not bad-looking. Just...not the type I'd pin against a wall or anything. Ever. Probably one of several where something intimate would likely be awkward because of my split personality in relationships. (tends to be lust or love)

He might be an atheist but that means nothing. I seriously fear falling for a guy who is circumcised xD It's a horrible thing. It's so much thinner, harder to get up, harder to get off, and they enjoy it SO much less (and so do i). And condomless, it just...feels so much better when it's uncirc. To me at least. Spell-check annoys me. THEY ARE WORDS IN MY DICTIONARY. WORD.(s to me)

Also recalling now that I've been fairly lucky so far. After, ehm...after experiencing 3.5 or so (3.75? either way) inches, and how it doesn't barely go in and guys who are that small seem to not have ANY idea how to thrust...(then again, he was tubbeh) bleh. 5 inches is kind-of my smallest allowed rule, thanks to Chavva. I believe her. Honestly, it won't probably get in if it's not 5...but 6 honestly might be better. My smallest was like 5.75, other than...that thing. But I must say, it's all in how you use it.

You can have 8.5 and do nothing but make me sore outside AND in. Or be 8 and only make me sore outside. Note that sore outside means you've gotten an exercise. BAH I can't spell *fix*. ANYHOW. Being sore inside tends to happen with longer...yeah. But even if 8 shoulda hurt, he knew how to do it and it was quite nice. Might have helped that he was un. Gah. Why remove foreskins. Dumb humans. Waste of REALLY good flesh for REALLY stupid terms. Your alien "God" is gone, he hasn't spoken to us in so long. And the God that Jesus knew seems to be different...EITHER WAY. Even as far as I am in the Bible, I know that almost NO ONE is cared about by the "Lord your God", so chopping off your happy flesh won't do much good.

Random: You know you got burned when you hear a TSSSS. Yay for a new wrist accessory. (at work today, lol; kinda freaked me to hear the sound)

Oh yes, that song, "I would do anything for love (but i won't do that)" (too lazy to look up actual name), it's about cheating. Cuz I was bored and listened intently to the lyrics. I AM AWESOME. FEAR ME AWESOMENESS OR I WILL EAT BRAINS and blah blah blah...whee. Just had a mini-recovery. Going on a tangent on a single topic causes my diaphragm to scrunch, so as I typed I got light-headed and breathless, then just teared up. Yay weirdness. I wish I knew I'd understand my entire self before I passed away.

Been a year since my mom went to the hospital. Almost broke down at work. Memories. Conflicted feelings.

Might move in with Dianna at some point...it'd be good. Maybe she and Cam could help me figure my life out...because my dad can't. I have a feeling she is gonna be suffering soon as well. It was around 3:12 or 3:13 of September..s..17th..her heart beat 5 minutes after she took the last breath...no one should have to hear a person whose body is so near death, they moan at every breath because their body is only able to force the heart to beat and the diaphragm to contract for breathing...I..I..know too much...s..

I..nneed a hug...I'm not crying but I am so broken right now Idk anymore...

It's better to burn out than to fade to grey...my my, hey hey...

My job is great except for all the work I have to do.

Was in the middle of checking things out online, had just gotten home from work. Bam, internet died. Found out later my dad had unplugged the ethernet cables for it but not the router, leaving me blind and thinking we were both without internet when it was simply a trick.

I have courtesy towards him, but he doesn't have the courtesy to say he's going to unplug me for several hours.

After 2 hours I am notably discontent and ask if he's gonna plug me back in anytime soon. He slurs, "Eventually."

Fucking...slurs. I am pretty numb to drunken slurring, it's...an...unfortunate trait I have now because of my up-bringing...so...he had to be very drunk to slur for me to notice...probably drank from the time I left until he went to bed 20 minutes ago. 8 hours or so? ...

After...all this life...how she died...you drink...fucking...god...

Yes. I'm hurting. Saw an episode of King of the Hill where someone lost a loved one. Meh. I never loved my parents, no. Love isn't the word. There's probably a word in another language for it. Meh. There always tends to be. Like...saudades...

Anyhow...here's some tunes I've recently come to enjoy. I may have known them for a time, but I hear them more as of late due to the radio station I listen to. It plays my jamz. 80's and 90's rock, lots of alternative. :3

I am a music snob. I have perfect pitch and, if necessary, can identify notes from memory. I've got C almost 100% down, and from there I just have to sing up or down to find other notes.

Walk This Way - Aerosmith (first option, gg5000.com)
Cum On Feel The Noize - Quiet Riot (2nd option, jwryan.net one)
The Safety Dance - Men Without Hats (6th option, audiodrums.com)

If te gusta...I wouldn't mind finding more. Those are just some I personally needed to download, but I have lots of awesome songs no one knows already downloaded.

Sing to be heard and give people a voice to be heard with; money is only a bonus.

ALIENS are observing my blog.

Well, they don't live on Earth. Or have a location. Maybe black holes are looking. Where would a black hole's eye be? Could they even see? Where would their brain be? And if that, consciousness? Do you have to be sentient to have a language?

...my head died.

But I like to look at my stats, and learn who's been viewing, because it does interest me as I don't often think anyone reads. So when 1 person from the United States viewed my blog today, and 1 person from Australia viewed my blog today, and 10 people total viewed my blog...

ALIENS.

I do wonder about aliens. I love drawing them. They do not have to conform to anything. Sure, DNA must have its limits, but unless you can prove it is not available genetically, it's still possible. I invented a worm that breathed to move, and a giant beast that was like a land jellyfish, but its head was an umbrella against acidic rain.

I also like drawing humans evolving into other creatures. I've drawn several humans in the forms of animals, with elongated or shortened limbs for wings and such.

I. HATE. WESTERN. AND. EASTERN. DRAGONS.

Until a functional species forms with 6 legs, they bother me. And even if that creature were to form, it'd take a lot for the legs to turn into wings, and move to the back without affecting any other part of the anatomy. Or having those part affect it, as it'd need to be an entire pair of limbs separately controlled and have a part for it in the brain.

Wyverns ftw. Every other type of dragon can STFU. Sure, amphiptere aren't all that unlikely, they'd simply be legless wyverns. But wyverns can be made logical so EASILY.

Bats. Pterodactyls. Raptors (birds of prey). Birds in general. Just...it makes so much sense. I'd imagine them the counterpart to the archeopteryx. Honestly, if you think about it, the archeopteryx may be a dragon. And after just having googled, so might the Wellnhoferia:



If you took its feathers, you would see a dragon. When I draw wyverns or anything with hand-wings, I draw them just like those.

So the next time your pet parakeet breathes fire...insert punch line here.

I am a newspaper. READ ME OR don't. Whatever. It's your choice.

So I return to my room and the tv's all, "WAAAAAHHHHHHHH" "AHHHHHHHH" "RAAAAAAAHHHH" "AHHHHHH"

Dragonball Z Kai, lol.

Since iCarly is on, it just reminded me: balloons are a party's best friend. That is, if people show up. Have a couple good friends over or just loons, and those 'LOONS will make your life epic. I had it all planned out for my 18th. Then no one showed up. ...yeah. My friends are awesome.

Sarcasm, yum.

So as I may or may not have mentioned, I plan my sleep based on the fact that a sleep cycle is round 87 to 88 minutes long. So I estimate if it's worth sleeping depending on how many sleep cycles I get. I figure a full night being 7.5 hours to 9 hours.

So my dad woke me up and told me I needed to go shopping or no groceries for 2 weeks. I have everything I need, so I declined; also, I'm (HOPEFULLY) working 6 hours tonight and wanted more sleep. So he gets pissed and slams the door. And as you know, Zelly is an empath. I never fell back asleep. Because when I was an inch from sleep (after an hour of lying there, at the point where i didn't even have another hour to sleep), my allergies started.

:/ BAH.

My dad DID get me an external hard drive though to replace my other one, which I appreciate and want to repay somehow. Unfortunately I lost around 150 photos I'd recently uploaded onto it. I suppose that's what I get for CATCHING A PHOTO OF LIGHTNING. Oh yes. "I am Zeus, God of the Gods...and you know what else I'm God of? Awesome." /lovesthatcommercial

My ex may have something. Which sucks. A girl he was with a week or two after we broke up, asked him a week later if he had anything. Apparently she had an STD she didn't tell him the name of, and had caught it from someone else. Now, 13 weeks or so later, I'm hanging with him and notice a mole the size of a pencil eraser that looks inflamed with odd colourations. If spell-check is going to tell me colorations is improper, I'm gonna spell it the way I prefer. U's ftw.

He didn't make the connection for me though until AFTER we did something. Yes, protected. And what she had was something transferred via fluids. But now I'll be paranoid for a while. Also, he was wearing cologne, major turn-off. My nose died a little.

Anyhow, last night's storm was epic. I HAVE to upload that photo. It's not easy to catch lightning in a photo, if you've ever tried. I have about 150 flub shots. I clicked every few seconds until I caught it and went all, "I AM AWESOME I HAVE CAUGHT LIGHTNING IN A PHOTOGRAPH".



Nothing special, and upon closer inspection (10 megapixels though it never uses them, lame camera, i miss my kodak c875), it's blurred...but I was hanging all awesome-like on my trampoline listening to the storm creeping closer and trying to catch some of the lightning. The storm only side-swiped us, that's the southern view we had of it...it apparently caused hail in other areas.

I got another photo I'm too lazy to find of a disembodied bear playing a guitar. In the clouds. BUT IT WAS THERE. And so was a horse. The horse was A-MAH-ZING.

Work soon. Oh boy. The serotonin in my tummy is already going all BFFLARGHRLE.

Oh, Nigel Thornberry amuses me. It's still sad to be able to say I remember the episode where he did the whole, "MLYARGHLALYABLHAH" improvision thing. xD The Internet Meme ftw.

Lily Livers are Beautiful.

So why does Zelical like Fishing Spiders?

She learned at some point how beautiful and sweet they are.




When my mom's friend's niece came over, arachnophobic as any could be, I decided to help her because she was willing. May have been that she had suffered traumas in her childhood I dare not repeat, traumas too many children experience then can never speak of due to the taboo.

She befriended that single spider, a scared, huge fishing spider. She freaked out when it moved, but in the end, she felt bad and apologized to it. I call that a success for someone who originally thought it disgusting.

My general rule of thumb is: If it runs away and avoids you, it's not a threat. But copperheads and some spiders stand their ground. The copperheads I avoid or force to go away; the spiders don't live. I have cats to worry about.



This photo was taken 2 days ago. Cheddly caught a Dragonfly. It could no longer fly, and clutched onto my middle finger. There was more to the photo that I cut out because of my wounds that still remain from the ivy.

The television is fidgeting strangely. Storm, or a plant in front of the satellite. But isolated thunderstorms predicted, and my having felt storm pains in my never-lie ankle says it's weather.

I must go to David's tonight to download WoW. and maybe try my hand at a little PVP while I have access to a latency of 40 to 30. Bah.

Umm. Hmm. What else to say. Not much. Been sneezing like a madwoman and it might be a cold. Colds are fun. Especially when they make you a marshmallow.

Doot doot doot I'm losing my mind which I never had. I'm off to skip in the daisies and find my Buffy.

I'm not only a lawyer, I'm a DOCTOR lawyer! (oh boy)

Yeah...still alive...not sure why. The world is not but blander today.

Not having much luck with that Alien sketch. What I need is a physical reference, all the references I can find are just...crap. All 2D and difficult to determine features on. Features vary on EVERY SINGLE ONE. It's nothing but aggravating.

Did draw my own alien, though. Or, as I term them, an angel. Well, it's got an angel's head. I went through a phase where I drew my own interpretation of angels (not disguised as humans), basically large beings that were not humanly beautiful. I also enjoy drawing slender forms, skeletal, with legs like a mix between a raptor, a human, and some sort of insect for the end segment (though pointed). Not really feeling like uploading what I drew. Not in the mood.

Here's something I drew on my book cover back in 10th grade I think:



It was stretched thin, so you could see through the cover. Drew this in pen though during different stages of my cyclothymia. The Mantid was probably Manic, the lower left corner creature was probably during a migraine aura where I have difficulty even having a mind, and the other thing was just be not wanting to pay attention in class.

Everyone drinks alcohol. It makes me chances of finding someone close to zilch. No one wants me around here, and those that might, drink. I can't tolerate alcohol.



The above is a good example of about half of the things that filled my papers (that had nearly-finished doodles on them, though; i had a lot of quite unfinished ones).

She's an alien, obviously; humanoid body, me trying to figure out anatomy (i drew it in...11th grade?). Toes, hands, and human faces were my weaknesses, which is...BEYOND obvious here. I avoided them.



The above is what tends to happen. I draw a human form and it becomes a thing that should probably never walk this earth xD And yes. I had more fun than you know trying to avoid drawing a hand or a head.



Lastly, say hello to Gypsy. I like to mimic my own body type, to be honest; I'm my best reference. Large hips/thighs/behind, skinny waist, medium bust. I obviously alter a lot but there's definitely a common theme. I also use my favorite clothing/fashion styles, or gypsy-like apparel. I always wanted to finish her, but...I don't think I ever will. I've yet to master any of my weak points, though I do get lucky occasionally on hands and feet.

It appears I scanned all these before I signature'd them. Then again, we had this scanner years ago, I hate the new scanner we have (though it was my 'birthday present' when i turned 18 and is also a printer) and refuse to use it after 20 failed and flubbed printings and scans.

My signature is CLD, my initials. I use a cursive lowercase c, but sized like an uppercase C. My L is simply the tail of that C, then the bottom part of the L curves into the left side of the D, which simply loops around, making a tiny, compact signature.

I think I'm gonna go eat Buffy then go to sleep. (old photo below ftw)

Fall to breaking, not peace...

I need to go to sleep before I do something people might regret. I wouldn't regret it, I wouldn't be capable of regret if I did it. At this point I don't see much. It's all bleak for me. I only find nice guys that live so far from me that in another time, I'd never have met them if I spent my entire life walking.

My external hard drive just failed on me. No information within it is accessible, it may have wiped itself. I'd just found a guild on WoW of people who listened to me...I had some friends...

It'd take a few weeks to download WoW again. And I'd only be able to do so on this netbook. Without a cooling pad, it's not particularly logical. My dad would rather choke on a razor blade than let me download WoW on his desktop.

So now I have no escape. I live in the middle of nowhere with no boyfriend and a job where everyone hates me, and my one fucking escape is gone.

If this Unisom doesn't put me to sleep, I don't know what I might do. I'm not stable anymore. I'm...I'm just done.

A Lack of Things to Entropy.

I am honestly not sure how I'm holding up. Under these sorts of circumstances, I tend to degrade quickly and fall apart or inward. Instead, I'm keeping a fairly cool head and the only victim is the serotonin in my intestines. I think it's because I really don't believe anything the thing says.

I'm done talking about him anywhere, done talking to him other than under strictly business relations, and done with his associates. I had to lie yesterday, something I'm not proud of, but it was in order not to stir up more drama. I lied to a liar, anyhow.

I may not be falling in but I am suffering. I spent last night huddled inside myself wishing to end my life. I was with others and I'm a coward, but it plagued me.

Not much happens when one sleeps for several hours. Woo.

The Secret Recipe is Awesomeness.

Well, to be honest, no idea what those secret 11 herbs and spices are, nor do I care; DESPITE having always had this plan when I saw commercials to work for KFC and learn because I had to make the chicken.

Anyhow, a certain person has been talking more crap, and now doesn't deserve a title or even a gender. And the girls I work with? As bad as my senior class. Sigh.

Buffy has rain-soft fur. I could pet her for hours.

Currently have a bit of vertigo, or traces of it. Awoke with it and likely will rest with it. Falling left, no fun.

I am no one's puppet. But I'd rather be called a puppet than be called your friend.

My bed creaks with the same exact note my computer beeps when something is plugged in. Driving me a tad bit loco.

I learned the word eclectic from RuneScape. I also learned the composition of several metals, the word 'ore', and...a LOT from it, to be honest. Not sure how it is now, but it honestly used to be fairly educational.

I love Buffy...not sure what I'd do without her.

Someone told Erica that she and I may get fired soon. And that the reason my hours have been horrid is because of that, and because my boss would favor said person over me. When I heard I might be getting fired, I worried. When I learned said person was the sourve of this rumor, my worry left me. The boss will be hearing about this.

Supervisors should not speak derogatorily about their co-workers/employees. It is unprofessional. Gina will also hear about this. Said employees also heard about this. I am not a tattler, I am simply not the type to let unkind words be said behind the backs of those who have done nothing but kind things for me.

The thing of a person who has been ruining my life for quite some time now thinks I am a puppet, that the boss favors it over me, and that I stalk it. It wishes it was worth my time. I only ever speak of it to ensure it does not spread its disgusting tendrils into my long-since formed friendships.

I'm sick of bitches and I'm sick of the thing.

If getting raped by a cactus meant it would suffer for all the bad it has done and all the lies it has spread and people it has hurt, I would gladly have it done.

It doesn't seem aware I'm getting more hours and that the reason my hours failed was due to new employees being trained and my limited time frame for working. It needs to get of its high horse. It needs to look down and realize being a dick won't make it any bigger.

Buffy has decided my sketchpad is her new pillow. God damn her xD But I wuv her. It's too bad. Here's to hoping the taint that is that "thing" slowly fades from my life now. That or becomes a jelly mold for my toast.

HOPE~

Warning: Naked Man Made Of Stone Destroys Babies

Let's see. Sleepy, so this'll be short.

My dad had a bag of stuff by the trash, it's going to salvo it seems. 5 old Nintendo games (castlevania III, zelda, and 3 others), a few talking books, and some very old kid books. One was by Jesse Jackson, I was amused. It's too bad I don't have a Nintendo, and my N64 died forever ago.

Got sent home an hour into work...well...almost. Was able to stay 45 minutes more and got paid for 2 hours.

Code White in Wal-mart may mean injury, the cashier told me. I didn't see anything, so I'm not sure (she said she thought it meant injury, so yeah). Still wish I could get a job there. Maybe I could now that I have good references.

Recent stress has made my colon mad. Also, within 2 hours I went through something that should have lasted me through work, so I kinda got lucky that I was sent home early.

Thinking about trying to sketch Alien on a smaller paper, MAINLY because my large paper is for charcoal/conte, and no place around here sells it.

Anyone who has never snuggled with someone online is missing out on an intensely lovely, fuzzy feeling you don't get in person.

May be catching my dad's cold. Bah.

I want to buy all the stickers in the world and stick them on things because just seeing stickers makes me go "OMFG STICKERS EEEEEEEE"...it's both funny and sad. ALL STICKERS BOW TO ME NOW.

Cheddar caught a dragonfly. It couldn't depart, so I took a few photos and gave it to Buffy. Somehow, she LOST the dragonfly that couldn't even fly. Sigh. Silly girl xD

I found a photo of a statue of a naked man kicking and smacking babies away from him angrily. I want to buy that statue. It made my life happy. I'll put it in my room and give it a loincloth.

If it be your will, my love...

My night is ruined. All because I'm nice. God damn it. I hate people.

This guy I was friends with in high school posted how his life was ruined and such. I decided to offer to pick him up and watch some funny movies with him to help him get his mind off of whatever it was. (i'd tried in the past to ask him what troubled him and he never said, so i've given up on that)

Next thing I know, I'm blocked. I made sure, I don't make assumptions. Now my night is ruined.

Can't even fucking be nice to someone. Or even MAKE AN OFFER TO BE. I'd never date him, he's not my type. But I don't mind hanging with a friend watching something funny. How often do I do that? I NEVER get the chance to. He's vain if he thinks I'd want him. I'm polite enough not to be like most people who call him a pedo (that's terming it mildly compared to other people)...but still.

Child.

But the period of time between finding out my comment wouldn't go through and finding out for sure he'd blocked me was long enough to give me that adrenaline rush that will now linger with me and make me cry several times during the course of the night.

Can I please just...Idk...react like anyone else would to things and not have this lingering genetic curse...

Meh...feel like crying...this song's making me want to. "If It Be Your Will", the version by Lost Dogs.

---

If it be your will
That I speak no more
And my voice be still
As it was before
I will speak no more
I shall abide until
I am spoken for
If it be your will
If it be your will
That a voice be true
From this broken hill
I will sing to you
From this broken hill
All your praises they shall ring
If it be your will
To let me sing
From this broken hill
All your praises they shall ring
If it be your will
To let me sing

If it be your will
If there is a choice
Let the rivers fill
Let the hills rejoice
Let your mercy spill
On all these burning hearts in hell
If it be your will
To make us well

And draw us near
And bind us tight
All your children here
In their rags of light
In our rags of light
All dressed to kill
And end this night
If it be your will

If it be your will.

This is...Shameful.

:/...

Randomish Gibber.

I. Has. Book.

Feed. It's mine again~ <3 Eee. Can't wait to break her in.

Anyhow, so..."iLost My Mind". I still want Freddie. Or Nathan Kress, as his name actually is. So jealous. Every time I see him kiss someone. He is a great kisser and I wish I knew how that felt. Bah. I seem to attract horrid kissers. Sigh.

iCarly is hilarious though. Everything's just...LOL. Hehe. And Seddie is <3 <3 <3

Anyhow, Zelly's a tad gushy over a sweethearted Brit she knows. Sigh. All the good ones are far from me.

Spencer dressed as a woman...sigh.

He has a good drag queen voice...

Buffy's in my laundry bin cuz she's a boss.

I wish I had a button on the wall I could press that would make everything shut down. Meep. I'm gonna see Freddie kiss Sam again and get all jealous. BAH. Fml. Come, Buffy. Let me devour your soul. Om nom.

Clous Desires.

Let us write the Bible, shall we? After looking at the King James version and nearly vomiting my eyes out, I realized my version is different; it's NIV, New International Version. It's very descriptive, very accurate, and actually legible.

For an idea of what happened, a guy went to get his concubine (a slave girl he owned and "liked"), and slept in one of the towns of Israel on his way back home, and was invited inside by a man from the town.

From Judges 19:23 to Judges 19:30

While they were enjoying themselves, some of the wicked men of the city surrounded the house. Pounding on the door, they shouted to the old man who owned the house, "Bring out the man who came to your house so we can have sex with him."

The owner of the house went outside and said to them, "No, my friends, don't be so vile. Since this man is my guest, don't do this disgraceful thing. Look, here is my virgin daughter, and his concubine. I will bring them out to you now, and you can use them and do to them whatever you wish. But to this man, don't do such a disgraceful thing."

But the men would not listen to him. So the man took his concubine and and sent her outside to them, and they raped her and abused her throughout the night, and at dawn they let her go. At daybreak the woman went back to the house where her master was staying, fell down at the door and lay down until daylight.

When her master got up in the morning and opened the door of the house and stepped out to continue on his way, there lay his concubine, fallen in the doorway of the house, with her hands on the threshold. He said to her, "Get up; let's go." But there was no answer. Then the man put her on his donkey and set out for home.

When he reached home, he took a knife and cut up his concubine, limb by limb, into twelve parts and sent them into all the areas of Israel. Everyone who saw it said, "Such a thing has never been seen or done, not since the day the Israelites came up out of Egypt. Think about it! Consider it! Tell us what to do!"

To quote one of the footnotes they have, "It is ironic that the one who issued such a call ((of awakening, don't wanna write all of the paragraph)) was himself so selfish and insensitive."

SO NOW YOU SEE why I am still reading. It's got some fucked up shit xD

I love this episode of Avatar: The Last Airbender. Let's quote Sokka being a dumbass on cactus juice.

"It's a giant mushroom...! MAYBE IT'S FRIENDLY!!"

...bah. Gotta wait for commercials to end. I wonder if you could sue Chuck E. Cheese's for giving you a papercut with a ticket in the ticket blaster. Now I must google a papercut on an eye. Oh GOD this is gonna hurt. I am praying it's not too vivid. I've already got a pain feeling on my skin.

Nothing but a video and some art of baby heads. How do baby heads relate? I am a bit lost.

I think you need to youtube Sokka on cactus juice to understand this hilatiry. That, or Sokka when sick. Loco. Or his swallowing a rose, that was amusing as hell.

Sigh. Life is bland.

Eclectic Electric Electrike Manectric.

Oh Colbert.

Your ads for Iowa are silleh.

But anyhow. I feel a tad bit gypped. Bought mechanical pencils, with erasers as durable as tupperware.

Anyone who knows erasers knows this is bad. Sigh. Fortunately, though, at least their lead isn't diamond-rough, or soft as eyeliner. Did get a new eyeliner though. Apparently charcoal means grey nowadays. SINCE. WHEN. Tell me that.

I have a beautiful new bag. My favorite shade of faded, silken, peach-yellow gold. Little shining pearls all over it, not too big to me garish but not too small to seem generic. It's actually pretty, and I do not regret buying it.

But on my way into the Salvation Army store, I saw something amongst the bags of donated items by the bins --- it looked like, from that distance, an old man in a red flannel jacket sleeping on his stomach with a shoe sticking out from under a blanket. So I mentioned it to a woman inside. I'd been wrong, it was just a jacket/shoe/bags thing. But...it really did look it! One could not have positioned it more perfectly if they'd tried. The shoe was in the exact position one would be if you laid on your belly with the front of your foot on the ground --- an unnatural position for a stray shoe but perfectly natural for one on a foot.

In thanks, when she saw me looking through a box and told me the things in there were unpriced, she told me if I liked something in there, to let her know and she'd tell me a price. Hence, I was able to get this beautiful bag ^^;

...bah, this netbook is frying my leg. But I have pencils and erasers on my blanket so I can't use that to raise it off. Bit of a dilemma.

Let's see...I also got a shawl and a necklace from there. Upon examination...the necklace chain is too aged, I'll have to simply use the small sand dollar mimicking pendant. Not sure I have anything to work with the shawl yet, but shawls tend to go with my preference of clothing, outfits, etc. I don't like extravagant, but I adore elegance, flow, comfortable and complimentary clothing (where it makes you look good, not clothing that complements you).

People love me. I don't mind. Make alliances everywhere because you never know when they'll come in handy. Had some random old guy wave at me from his when I was getting gas. ...eww.

My bag looks like a canteen-holder. I think Paris Hilton would need it if she got stuck on a desert island. Cuz I don't think anyone else would put their canteen in it.

Sigh...sometimes I can't figure myself out. I have this desire to act cold to this guy who has interest in me on the site. Not sure if I'm testing him or what, because I replied. And normally I don't reply. Bah. Freud, read me.

Ick is black. Or Ic, really. Spongebob LIES. My fish had it once. I felt...so horrible. Pre-meds I had fish, and watching my fish suffer without being able to do anything...:(

That was also back when asking for things like medication for my fish wasn't easy because I couldn't drive and my mom was drunk and forgetful.

I think Oscar the Ground has Spongebob-esque Ic.

How do people thrown against the wall by refuse or fodder tend to end up falling off with it all over their back, but the wall uncovered? It makes NO SENSE. Think about it.

Eclecticism is good. Don't bash it~

ADDED ON:




I spent a while trying to figure out what the thing on the right was. Togetic? Quilava? Gardevoir? Wingless Reshiram? Nothing fit...

Then I tilted my screen back to make the colors more vivid...it's a Ninetales. Seriously? Tell me my irritation isn't unfounded.

I don't have Gravy but I have Lucky Charms...

There is nothing like that moment when the internet fucks up and lies to you and gives you a mini heart attack. For me it means I'm fucked for the rest of the day but I covered that in a previous entry (adrenaline doesn't easily leave my body).

But I have reached that point where if I sleep now, I'll be more of a zombie at work than if I just stay awake. Fml.

Also, I do believe the internet feels only boys get horny. Pretty sure gay porn is for gays. Women are fucked over (in a bad way). Do you have any idea how difficult it is for a girl to find something? It's like they're telling you that you have to go find someone to have sex with irl cuz we're not gonna let you not risk pregnancy. Also, there's nothing like some of the games they have out there. Where you have to use your main hand to play and have to focus for a crappy pay-off.

Not fond of the fact that OkC people are locating this, but whatever. Unless they're stalkers they won't stick around. And if they are stalkers then whatever. Maybe being an eclectic humanoid will pay off and scare off.

Bad moods when manic = anger where sadness should be. Doesn't help that my magical fairy of happy joy and love and magical fireflies will show up soon. Yes. Fireflies are magic. Scientists LIE to you.

I do at times wish I had that ability to drowse off like most people. There has only ONCE, EVER been a time when I thought I'd pass out, and that was due to...something I'll keep to myself, bad experience with something. Almost passed out in technology class, was scared to death.

But I could never pass out if I kept my eyes closed for a long period of time with no thoughts in my head, unless trying to sleep. And even then my body is picky on position. Basically, I'm a human guard dog. Light sleeper, active at night, good sense of smell and hearing, suspicious of odd things...

I still want to give blood and stand up, just to pass out. Just once. To see that I actually CAN. That, or try anesthesia. I have the same feeling about that, this disbelief it'd ever actually work on me. They tried putting me on laughing gas when they pulled 6 of my teeth (ow; novocaine after-pain is worse than the pulling pain could have been), couldn't breathe it. Can't breathe hot air. EVOLUTION FAILS ME IN THIS TIME PERIOD.

I mean...in olden time, or in another location, having all these sentry-like traits could save lives. But here, all it does is screw me over. If and when I move out, I may have to try Unisom again, the only thing that seems to let me drift into sleep in unfamiliar locations. Melatonin, diphenhydramine...fuck no. x3 They don't work for shit for me :/

Nothing knocks me out. Nothing keeps me asleep. It can only help me drift off when I try. Meh.

I think I'm entering the stage where everything is funny again. It's happened a couple times now. I feel retarded after realizing I was in it. Meh.

I'm feeling like I couldn't fall asleep even if I tried right now. Not sure I want to test my luck. And my only proven method of putting myself to sleep (not unisom), I am reaaaaaally sick of at this point. I'd rather snuggle with a cactus.

I think blogs exist so people can talk to themselves without being called crazy. Woo. All aboard the crazy train.

Rally to Restore Sanity...I will never forget it. Woo.

What is it. About Jonna's voice. That makes all the boys go WOO. I don't get it. Nor did my most recent ex. Maybe I should use that as a test, though. "If you think this girl's voice is cute, we won't get along well." It seems fairly accurate. xD

Jamming out to Ammunition by Switchfoot after watching some L4D videos. Fallen is still my all-time favorite map. If only I had a few days to practice on...that...umm....X-Box 360? controller, and had the game, I could have some fun. 25 kills is still shameful.

Still don't wanna go to sleep because of the whole, "while you're asleep precious hours of life are wasted"...a.k.a. time I could spend trolling the internet on my troll-ee. Lol, not really, but tilling through it. Sifting.

Migrainey Hemicranius is fighting me though, using its weapons of photophobia (this computer screen hurts) and sound sensitivity...even one of the quietest, calmest songs I have, "In The Sun", is deafening.

Yeah, dad. I don't know what migraines are. I don't get particularly bad ones, no. But I do get them. Sigh. For someone raised to be honest about everything, it's painful for your mentors to claim you're a hypochondriac.

My voice is saccharine right now though :) Too bad only the morning birds can hear me. Buffy's probably out stalking mice. Oh, seems there's a lovely silken-white common moth behind me in the window that's listening. Those common shiny-winged ones with a line going from the tip of one wing and through all the others to the other side. I think I'll release it.

...but not before a photo shoot.

...she looked into my eyes with her sweet little black ones before she took wing. Made me smile.

Everything in the back right portion of my room is, sadly, coated with some amount of Now and Later. Ugh. Including my camera cord...only the cord, nothing important. But still...ugh. Never get a mixed bag of candy during the summer when most of it contains the one candy you don't want because it hurts your teeth.

If this computer didn't like to disobey when I uploaded pictures from my camera, I'd show the one I just took of the moth. But nope. It's a pain. Might add it later though. I dunno. I could really go for some 5-hour energy. My mania's in full swing right now but my body's just lagging a tad. Bleh. Fail.

Pokemon Adventures.

After the "POKEMON CAME FROM HER CHEST?!!" bit, I started to realize just how worth it it was to read this manga. It was translated differently in English, but is still funny.

BUT. I happen to have found the page I initially saw...








I have that image of Green (well, she was Blue back then, at some point she became Green because Blue was the English counterpart of Pokemon Red) as my avatar on a website I used to be on :P

Tony the Tiger Drinks Too Much.

Interestingly enough, adults are NOT allowed to watch cartoons. "You're almost 20, Christina. Seriously? Spongebob?"

Thanks, father-creature.

Anyhow, ignoring my dad being a dickhead, I must say this: Lola is NOT a stupid bunny. She's as much of a sex symbol as she can be, or was back when that Looney Toons movie came out. In a way I kind-of idolized her :P

I don't care how old you are, you can watch whatever you want. Sure, things like Barney and Smurfs tend to be a bit...well, you do grow of those things. But Spongebob? I can still discover things when watching it. They have hidden easter eggs for people who are mature. Can't name any off the top of my head, but...yeah.

So fine dad, maybe I should watch shows with real people like Glee, or Jersey Shore. Big Time Rush. Haha...no thanks.

I don't tend to watch things unless they're Mystery Diagnosis or something as such. It's background noise. Human shows tend to be bad for it. Though I do indulge in iCarly when I CAN pay attention.

Caleb: [chuckling crazy at the TV]
Sam: The TV's not on!
Caleb: [notices she's right] Aahhhhh!!!!! [Runs out the room]

Can't wait for it. Been waiting for the next episode, I'm a major Seddie fan. Such a cute couple. Dunno why. I tend to go for more obvious pairings. Then again, Freddie's a good kisser and I wish I could see for myself <<;

Still wish Naruto/Hinata would happen. Sigh.

I think I dreamt of James last night. ...well, today. Yeah, I did. Foolish dream, he's not even worth a facial memory.


...oh shit. Tony the Tiger is fucked. xD

Whether it was only a very slight yellow or it was white, Tony's eyes used to be much less bright. Now? Vivid jaundiced yellow. Oh boy xD Soon comes the death of Tony the Tiger.

I need a life :P

Love is a Xylophone on Steroids.

Ordered Feed (by M.T. Anderson~) at last. I cannot stand not owning my favorite book, but I will never let it from my sight again.

"Scratch a lover, and find a foe."

Hence, do not lend your favorite novel to your loved one unless they live with you. Sigh.

Still feeling rather pained, sad, hurt...even with my baby girl sleeping behind me on the window ledge. Can't even distract myself because WoW is down for maintenance until the time when my dad gets home. At which point...meh. I wish I had somewhere to go. But I don't. Maybe I should go find an old used book store and find some realistic fictions or inhuman perspectives.

Or go 525 miles south and meet up with that boy I probably have no chance with.

Go get my paycheck...then go to wal-mart for some useless things. Maybe Fashion Bug for the second piece of my ensemble sans a customer. ...heh, the rain is so perfect right now, it's matching this song exactly to when it rained in the show. (Wolf's Rain)

One of the saddest sights...looking up at the moon as you sink down and pass on.

Kind-of want to read Twilight again because it's such a romantically sweet novel. But New Moon kind-of scarred me so not sure I want to. Going through a break-up like that again...no.

Not sure I own the first WatchingAlice...I might. If I did I'd read it, maybe. Sweet as well. The only good one of the four. And Elsewhere...made me cry. So absolutely sad.

I shouldn't be thinking of these things. Great, the romantic in me is reaching out.

I found a ...god damn storm pains. Anyhow, I found a site with suggested novels for me to read. NONE are in this room or in the hallway. It's depressing. Thousands of books and none fit what I want to read.

Bah.

...lol. May have found another known person on OkC. Deeply amused. My ex's friend I know too much about xD Not sure though. Only one jpegified photo.

I COPYRIGHT THAT WORD. In that you have the right to copy it but not the right to say others can't copy it.

I'm trapped in a virtual prison atm. Sure. I have a thousand science fictions, a couple realistic fictions, a bunch of horrors and a few romances...but in this house? I can't leave. It'd take 2 hours to get to town. My stamina at that point would be gone. A return trip would be impossible.

I'm seriously listening to ABBA. My mom loved this song, "Take A Chance On Me". It annoyed me from the start xD Good lyrics. But sooooo beyond annoying.

WHY DO I LIVE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.

This blog I'm writing is all that's keeping me sane. I'm not doing anything else besides begging the interwebs for entertainment.

...ooh, random bruise. Nothing like bruising so easily you can't identify where they came from. Let's try stumbleupon, find me something to do my good friend.

Hate when it taunts me with videos when I have a download limit per day. Used 10% of it. God damnit. And it only gave me a snicker. -_-;

Still pondering rest. Nothing left to say, this and all my blogs are unproductive. C'est la vie.

Only human...unless I'm part alien.

I'm aware. I'm cold, heartless and calculating. Why? Because of this. Because I could read JUST BY reading what you typed that you'd act like this if rejected. So I did it swiftly and bluntly like an assassin. Would you have preferred me lead you on? I wasn't interested from Hello, in looks or manner of speech. That doesn't change. So sir, if you'd kindly accept this and not give me a speech, I'd appreciate it. I gave plenty of warning.

Now I feel like shit. I don't like upsetting other people, or feeling heartless. But I have to be. And though I don't care for the returned favor when people feel that way towards me, I understand it and don't whine. Girls complain...guys just whine. It's...annoying at times.

Sigh. I could have been much more blunt than I was. I could have easily said, "From the way you type things, I'm fairly certain our personalities will clash if we try and talk. And your looks? Eww." But nope. I didn't. Because I don't like being mean. But at the same time, I'm not going to fake giving someone a chance when it's not there to begin with. I'm not that type of girl.

I found a guy who's perfect in the looks department, in personality, speaks lovely and is a cuddly snuggler...and he's not sure he can handle long distance. Bah. If I can't change this I'll be all baww x3

I kind-of have this urge to randomly try and draw Alien. I did always think he looked cool. AND I have sketch pad paper left from art class. PROBLEM?

...lost my metal pencil sharpener IN MY ROOM. Eep. It's like the holy grail now. That, and mechanical pencils, which I have a few of, are also missing. Only good news is that I found my missing $60 in a bag. xD Plastic, not paper.

Might go to Wal-mart for the stuff I need...AND new eyeliner. Tell me this: WHEN was charcoal BLUE? I put it on, it went on crappily and was a navy black jean color. Sigh.

...great. The song has a skip in it. "Trouble" by Coldplay. Gonna just have to get it from my netbook. Bah x3

Scotty Doesn't Knowwwww~ Hehe. It's a fun song. Something I'd never do though xD Had one guy manipulated into cheating on me by another girl. Another guy kissed my friend's gf (and his friend's gf as well) whilst dating me. My life is awesome. Like pancakes.

PANCAKE, PANCAKES, HAPPY LITTLE TAN CAKES, STACK EM UP RIGHT TO THE SKY, I'LL BE HAPPY UNTIL I DO; OH PANCAKES, I LOVE YOU SO. OH I LOVE YOU, YES I DO, YES I DOOO~

...lol. I miss my old crazy bald German chorus teacher.

Singing date before work on Friday with Dale. I am really hoping to get some work done. A.k.a. music video for Youtube. It'll be crap on the video part but I don't have a microphone anywhere else.

Fergie shouldn't be allowed to write her own songs. I loved her voice in early Black Eyed Peas. She sucks at solo though.

Still in a boring part of the Bible. This man lived 40 years then died. Then another guy lived 40 years and died and had 30 sons and 40 daughters with 70 donkeys and then died. Then Israel did evil in the Lord's eyes. BLAH BLAH BLAH. 50 more pages of this and I may have a stroke.

Oh yes. I need references. If I'm going to do something as detailed as Alien, I'd need more references than are humanly possible. But it's an Alien so...hey. That's an accident. Normally I title after I type, but this time I titled the blog entry beforehand relating to a former situation and now it makes sense in a different way xD

It can take me...SO long to do a commission. Only ever did one once, one that I chose to do. I can't tend to do things I'm forced to do. I had a Secret Santa for the...BEST artist on the site I went to. Basically, the artist who designed several skins for characters in a game called The Endless Forest.





The dragon is Esque, Rah-bop's original character. It took several hours every day to make it. That's about actual size, used printer paper and about 50 references. There is nothing quite like black and quite with all the smudges of one's hand. I hate coloring. So much. It...ruins so much. Nature should be the only one allowed to color.

You can probably see why it took me so long. It's my proudest creation, but I refused to allow my dad to use it in one of his poems. Actually, I refused to allow him use any of my images, but he did it anyways. Honestly feels disrespectful. But in this case, it's someone I respect's original character, so I refused. Needless to say my dad's still pissed at me for disallowing it.

I did once commission my fursona from Kaylink I believe...






Big, I know. That's actually scaled down, even. Iamme is my fursona, somewhat a fursonification of my heart. With every relationship she wears something new. Her earrings are because I got earrings very late in my life. The only thing not 100% perfect is that I wouldn't have drawn the eyes that way, BUT in smaller versions she's absolutely perfect in every way and I adore her.

I'm feeling down again. Probably cuz I just thought of the guy from earlier who gave me a speech. Meh...

I can be entirely honest about this though: if you're the type of person to give me a speech because I'm cold to you once, we'd never work. Because I am an emotional cavalcade.

I truly needed my mood to get shot this early in the morning. Might listen to some heart songs...

Maybe talk a walk with Buffy, my heart, my sweet, beautiful girl. Until I found her I couldn't stand being single. Now, it's tolerable. Because I feel love for her. The hole in my heart isn't entirely empty. That week I thought her missing...it was a black hole. Meh...time to take a walk. Storm, come before me and down upon me, cloak me in your madness and your rain-filled thunder, anger at us all comforting me with your warm winds and petrichol afterwards...

Dear spell-check: petrichol is a word. So go die.

Lies are like Flies.

There is a slight possibility in a netherworld that doesn't exist that I should fix my sleep schedule. Why does it not exist? I've tried it. So many times. I cannot honestly tell you the last time I slept during the same time frame two nights in a row.

Unfortunately, ice pick headaches are the result. Migraines I'd think. I wonder if my aunt not getting sleep caused hers; if so, then I DID inherit it from my dad's side. But I can no longer bring up anything I feel to him, ever. Because I'm a hypochondriac and blah blah blah~ And if he doesn't see me eat he thinks I'll be anorexic like my mom became. And I'm a pill popper because I take pills a lot. Meh.

I take pills so my chalkboard only has one evil math problem on it at a time. Try writing 3 problems overlapping on a chalkboard. You eventually decide, "Hey, the only thing erasing these other ones does is make my blood not clot as fast, WHY NOT." Recently he bitched me out because he didn't find medicine in my bathroom. Yeah. Because I got sick of being called a druggie and decided to keep them in my room so you don't hear me take them. ALSO, you NEVER take pills. EVER. Excuse me for assuming, guess I made an ass out of u and me.

Randomly been getting storm pains tonight. Even now. Pressure change, I should say. I have been almost devoid of them for a month or two so their recurrence leaves me baffled. But then, the weather's been...umm...well. Fuck heat. But yeah. Isolated thunderstorms tomorrow? Might be the reason. Beg they hit. Nothing like a storm to help me feel better.

I need to get to sleep soon. This headache is fading in and out, and my meds aren't working cuz it's not mild enough. Hmm. What else...

Oh yes. More people know about my dalliance with Abraham now, because that lovely girl I trusted and found out too late was a gossip, told someone. I may have to remind her that I could easily let her secret out as well. One -I- wasn't asked to cross my heart to keep. Meh. Idk. I don't like black-mailing. I've only really done it once. To get rid of an ex's gf. Truth is, I didn't actually have any evidence besides friends who knew and my vivid memory. But he didn't know that.

Random fact: If you're gonna cyber with someone over the webcam and you're both enjoying yourselves and it's definitely mutual, where both parties wanted it...probably not gonna have anything dirtying your shoes. Think about it. Unless you're a paranoid psycho, you won't use an in-computer camera to record the webcam association or have much reason to ensure you keep the convo as evidence until after things have gone bad and the evidence is gone.

I once got bitched at for 2 hours by someone because apparently I'm an easy slut whore with no brain, that cybering is the stupidest thing you can do and so unsafe and I must be pathetic to want guys I don't know irl to compliment my body and blah blah blah. Fuck that shit. :P

She was like a brick wall. Not a karate-able one either, but a brick wall with a couple behind it. Maybe superman coulda done something. But she was like...eep. I had to get a friend to help. He ended up trolling her. I...honestly didn't care anymore as I'd been crying for an hour.

If anyone plays WoW, Earthen Ring is a nice realm to join. People there tend to be pretty cool. Most fantasy names are taken though, but it IS a roleplaying realm. No other realm I've been on has been quite as nice. Only problems were:

1. Tauren Paladin and his Undead Priest buddy came to Goldshire and harassed us, then got on alts to be cruel to us.
2. Some 6-year old told us how he didn't like...kiters, and said something like, "I want to can rape them all" or something...it was pretty funny though. I can't remember how he said it. It was something only a 6-year old boy could think of.

The headache's faded a little, but it's in its weird scrunchy stage where it feels more like how cling-wrap sticks to itself, but in my head...bah. It's not something you can really understand without actually feeling it. Most things aren't. Even with my powers of metaphor and simile.

I have a 1983 dime that looks weird. The head is bigger than those on older, or newer, dimes. Let's see what google says...nothing. Figured. Gotta wait 'til I find another one to compare it. Sigh.

Umm. Let's see. Nope. Nothing left really to say. UMM. ...sigh. Sleep time I suppose. Joyous, lovely vivid-dream-filled sleep. Nothing like the effect of Prozac on dreams. Night world. For now.

I Don't Care Anymore.

That's how I feel when the chest tightness hits.

It's shot. It's my mood. My mood's shot. That is the word for how it feels. Chest tightness is a descriptions, but 'my mood's shot' is the WORD for it that fits. It's crushing, pulling. Still, the only true description I can find is from a fantasy novel, where a girl is having her sadness fed on by another being. But it's...so true for me...

"She cindered. It was weird. She was still sitting there at her desk with the computer in front of her, and she was still physically the same size, but something happened inside: she collapsed and withered."
((Spirits That Walk In Shadow --- Nina Kiriki Hoffman))

I can't find the other example, a real example, I have, without either googling for an hour or opening my netbook and reconnecting the router...

But I also found a description of...of a boy. Sigh. No, I'll find it, I must have it saved somewhere in my bookmarks...

...guess not. :/ Problem is with finding an obscure article is that you must remember words you know were in it. Hope no one sees that I searched for, "eat son cyclothymia"...might be awkward.

Sigh. No luck, just wasted time. It was simply a little story a mother wrong about her...10-year old son? She took him out to a restaurant. When they got there, he was chatty, telling her about his day, enjoying himself.

At some point while they were eating...she noticed something. He'd begun to slump. Curl up. Smile faded into an empty expression, he poked at his food. On the way home, he had perked up...

It's...something you won't find much of anywhere. So I can't honestly place anything upon it. It appears related to my anxiety disorder...but also seems tied to a cyclothymic sort of thing. Mood swings. Not a slow swing, more like a rubber band. Vibrating quick as can be...hurting me.

Nowadays the vibration is quite dulled. But it's there. It always will be. I don't believe they've diagnosed what I have yet, that they even know what it is. I find sparse references. Under bipolar, cyclothymia, borderline personality disorder...so many things. Only connection to anxiety is what I have personally experienced and...well...to be honest...the internet doesn't know what my chest tightness is...

It's...absolutely...painful, not to know what's wrong with you. I am feeling it unknotting slowly...that's all though...slowly, just a bit...as irritating as nails on a chalkboard where the board is my sternum and xyphoid-process...or xiphoid? I don't give a shit...

People are crap. And...no one seems to..really know how it feels...it...hurts...it makes me suffer...

No one deserves to suffer...I have suffered enough for all of them...now I've only to wait for the tears to come, so the tightness will loosen, as it always seems to...fucking...just...make sense...world...

Mistrust is the Poison in your Drink.

My dad left a spot on this seat that dried the same way I recently saw cum dry. I sat on it the other night. Eww. My dad has yet to notice it or clean it up. Eww.

Also just angrily posted spider information on fb. When someone calls an orb weaver a brown recluse, I kinda have to go 'um NO'. Waverly is a very boring town with no poisonous spiders. Or lizards. It's sad.

So Erica's boyfriend fixed my dad's car; my dad is very pleased. If tested it still bottoms out, but the car no longer slices into the wheel. Success!!

Still getting ivy flare-ups from my kibbies. Sigh. I can't just NOT pet my cats. It's impossible.

Dorian (erica's bf) has a cat that I'm fond of, that he wishes could live her former outdoor/indoor life. I honestly would like to help, but I would rather have him over to ask my dad himself. My dad and I are still having tensions between us. Much safer for a guest to ask him something like that than a resident of his home.

To be honest, the Supreme Court would be the better choice for solving our political crises than politicians. Those who do not have bias should choose for those who do.

My last blog title may have captured some interest. It had no meaning or language. It's what I like to think of as tongues. Not easy to type out though, but I'll write a tad more.

Kisparenscia shitranse, lalia kavrena dancire. Alleh veninsca terensce kalbindra fance. Azizilencia golancse kemben? Dandrel kansrel.

All stream-of-consciousness words. I'm thinking those types of words were how the first languages were formed. All are pronounced with a Latin/Spanish accent, so-to-speak.

This chair is squeaking so I'm done typing. Zelical out.

Telspiria Candre. Gelinsion Domere.

*shivers* I just remembered a recurring dream I've had...2 nights total now? Over the course of a month. Namely, something in the dream; bees. TOO MANY bees. Coating the corner of my trailer, another side of it, and trees...

*shivers again*

I love my bee friends. I do not like swarms. Swarms are not my friends. Bee friends in swarms should avoid me :)

...I just heard another branch snap. This seems to be the year of broken trees.

...and wow, that's odd. I have two indigo lines, the color of those spidering veins older people get, on my finger. Actually, appears that indigo is appearing in several places. Sigh. I am too lazy to google it, and know better than to believe I could speak to google well enough for it to bring me relevant, useful results.

Still being given ivy patches by my cats...but I can't just not pet them. Blah. Again, ivy, YOU WIN. Now leave me alone.

What else...

Not much else. A friend is pregnant. I'm no longer looking for victims but am still a tad...ehm, can't even think of the word. My sleep schedule is fucked (note that i'm going to bed after this, 11:04 AM atm my time).

Meh.

I need a hero.