I Don't Care Anymore.

That's how I feel when the chest tightness hits.

It's shot. It's my mood. My mood's shot. That is the word for how it feels. Chest tightness is a descriptions, but 'my mood's shot' is the WORD for it that fits. It's crushing, pulling. Still, the only true description I can find is from a fantasy novel, where a girl is having her sadness fed on by another being. But it's...so true for me...

"She cindered. It was weird. She was still sitting there at her desk with the computer in front of her, and she was still physically the same size, but something happened inside: she collapsed and withered."
((Spirits That Walk In Shadow --- Nina Kiriki Hoffman))

I can't find the other example, a real example, I have, without either googling for an hour or opening my netbook and reconnecting the router...

But I also found a description of...of a boy. Sigh. No, I'll find it, I must have it saved somewhere in my bookmarks...

...guess not. :/ Problem is with finding an obscure article is that you must remember words you know were in it. Hope no one sees that I searched for, "eat son cyclothymia"...might be awkward.

Sigh. No luck, just wasted time. It was simply a little story a mother wrong about her...10-year old son? She took him out to a restaurant. When they got there, he was chatty, telling her about his day, enjoying himself.

At some point while they were eating...she noticed something. He'd begun to slump. Curl up. Smile faded into an empty expression, he poked at his food. On the way home, he had perked up...

It's...something you won't find much of anywhere. So I can't honestly place anything upon it. It appears related to my anxiety disorder...but also seems tied to a cyclothymic sort of thing. Mood swings. Not a slow swing, more like a rubber band. Vibrating quick as can be...hurting me.

Nowadays the vibration is quite dulled. But it's there. It always will be. I don't believe they've diagnosed what I have yet, that they even know what it is. I find sparse references. Under bipolar, cyclothymia, borderline personality disorder...so many things. Only connection to anxiety is what I have personally experienced and...well...to be honest...the internet doesn't know what my chest tightness is...

It's...absolutely...painful, not to know what's wrong with you. I am feeling it unknotting slowly...that's all though...slowly, just a bit...as irritating as nails on a chalkboard where the board is my sternum and xyphoid-process...or xiphoid? I don't give a shit...

People are crap. And...no one seems to..really know how it feels...it...hurts...it makes me suffer...

No one deserves to suffer...I have suffered enough for all of them...now I've only to wait for the tears to come, so the tightness will loosen, as it always seems to...fucking...just...make sense...world...