She Didn't Die...She Killed Herself.

I'm in a sweet rut. Stumbled across someone on OkCupid that may be worth looking into...

Not sure if it'd pan out, I'm not...PARTICULARLY attracted to him physically. I mean...he does fit quite well into the "guys I don't go for the looks of but do go for" category for me...but I'm not certain if I have subconscious intentions that aren't favorable. I wish I knew. I do know I've read his profile word for word now, and tilted my head with a smile like I'd give something like...like the sweet little cat in the parking lot of Wal-mart, a stray that lives there.

He's never been in a relationship, but he wants one. And here's the main reason I'm thinking about things; he lives 30 minutes away.

...my god I'm going to lose my mind. It'd hard to type when the scent of your neighborhood skunk is slowly stinking up the room. *candle-grab of awesomeness* ANYHOW.

Yeah. I'm curious. I have no clue if it's work, but...you know, I'm not a bad first girlfriend, I wouldn't think. I know how to do quite a bit and do it right, so I can teach well. If things didn't pan out, he'd at least be more set. Sigh. I dunno.

The site is filled with tests...and from what they've gotten from him, he'd be simply sweet. Shyness, blushing...I adore them. My only hope would be that he's not big on teeth smiles...I hate them, and he has a similar issue to me with teeth ruining them (though mine are that they're all misaligned, his are just a tad stand-out-ish)...sigh.

Honestly though, I just thought, and though first things might be nice, I am wary. Scents, tastes, they tend to...well. I have far to vivid of senses. If he smelled bad or he tasted bad (because i'm a cannibal; lol, but brushing one's teeth is a good thing), I'd end up backing away. Someone like him would have it very fragile with said physical things, as they're more necessary to have good when your looks don't cut it. Well. Blah. He's not bad-looking. Just...not the type I'd pin against a wall or anything. Ever. Probably one of several where something intimate would likely be awkward because of my split personality in relationships. (tends to be lust or love)

He might be an atheist but that means nothing. I seriously fear falling for a guy who is circumcised xD It's a horrible thing. It's so much thinner, harder to get up, harder to get off, and they enjoy it SO much less (and so do i). And condomless, it just...feels so much better when it's uncirc. To me at least. Spell-check annoys me. THEY ARE WORDS IN MY DICTIONARY. WORD.(s to me)

Also recalling now that I've been fairly lucky so far. After, ehm...after experiencing 3.5 or so (3.75? either way) inches, and how it doesn't barely go in and guys who are that small seem to not have ANY idea how to thrust...(then again, he was tubbeh) bleh. 5 inches is kind-of my smallest allowed rule, thanks to Chavva. I believe her. Honestly, it won't probably get in if it's not 5...but 6 honestly might be better. My smallest was like 5.75, other than...that thing. But I must say, it's all in how you use it.

You can have 8.5 and do nothing but make me sore outside AND in. Or be 8 and only make me sore outside. Note that sore outside means you've gotten an exercise. BAH I can't spell *fix*. ANYHOW. Being sore inside tends to happen with longer...yeah. But even if 8 shoulda hurt, he knew how to do it and it was quite nice. Might have helped that he was un. Gah. Why remove foreskins. Dumb humans. Waste of REALLY good flesh for REALLY stupid terms. Your alien "God" is gone, he hasn't spoken to us in so long. And the God that Jesus knew seems to be different...EITHER WAY. Even as far as I am in the Bible, I know that almost NO ONE is cared about by the "Lord your God", so chopping off your happy flesh won't do much good.

Random: You know you got burned when you hear a TSSSS. Yay for a new wrist accessory. (at work today, lol; kinda freaked me to hear the sound)

Oh yes, that song, "I would do anything for love (but i won't do that)" (too lazy to look up actual name), it's about cheating. Cuz I was bored and listened intently to the lyrics. I AM AWESOME. FEAR ME AWESOMENESS OR I WILL EAT BRAINS and blah blah blah...whee. Just had a mini-recovery. Going on a tangent on a single topic causes my diaphragm to scrunch, so as I typed I got light-headed and breathless, then just teared up. Yay weirdness. I wish I knew I'd understand my entire self before I passed away.

Been a year since my mom went to the hospital. Almost broke down at work. Memories. Conflicted feelings.

Might move in with Dianna at some point...it'd be good. Maybe she and Cam could help me figure my life out...because my dad can't. I have a feeling she is gonna be suffering soon as well. It was around 3:12 or 3:13 of September..s..17th..her heart beat 5 minutes after she took the last breath...no one should have to hear a person whose body is so near death, they moan at every breath because their body is only able to force the heart to beat and the diaphragm to contract for breathing...I..I..know too much...s..

I..nneed a hug...I'm not crying but I am so broken right now Idk anymore...

It's better to burn out than to fade to grey...my my, hey hey...