In My Little Bubble.

I've read up and Wellbutrin appears to have a Honeymoon Effect, and I'm truly hopeful it isn't the case with me. I want to keep feeling like this. Feeling willing and actually ABLE. A-B-L-E. That is a new word for me.

I feel brilliant. Physically.

My aunt and grandparents wouldn't believe it was the meds, meh.

Posted this on fb,


"I have so much that I have to and WANT to do...no one believes how badly I want to feel differently...no one. :/ Why can't I feel normal, why does nothing fix this."

My aunt replied,
"Its not that people dont "want to accept" that youre not lazy... They form opinions based on what they see. Unfortunately, those opinions may be based on only part of the whole story... but at the end of the day Actions speak Louder than Words. Too many people promise the world, and then go ahead and do whatever they want. Instead of making excuses for themselves and getting mad... if they just DID something about it... maybe people would change their opinions. I may not like people's criticisms of me... buti have to be honest and admit that if I come across a certain way, there might be "some" truth to it. :("

:/

I fucking hate this side of my family. That is how they do everything, they condescend me and say they know I'm just being lazy and such in hidden ways, getting people to think I'm full of it...

Bah.

Boing Boing Boing.

nmcmfnjzmfmcndhh

I have energy.

Started on Wellbutrin today. Wheeeeeeeeee...I'm in a neutral mood but I have fucking ENERGY. And energy to fuck, but that's irrelevant at the moment.

Took a melatonin so my mind can slow the fuck down. I got stressed at work but maintained a...tolerating mood most of the day, no break downs, it was...I dunno.

Got either a migraine aura or...something in the middle of the day though, it's still lingering. F'ed with my speech and thought process, but it's a familiar thing.

*yawns*...Yeah...I dunno. I literally feel lifted, my body is lifted, manic, not entirely but it's...it's a good thing. I can do shit. I'm literally being lazy right now cuz I COULD do my job applications but am just being a lazy-ass. When before it was for other reasons. Also, I'm still out-of-it...

Fuck my aunt. She replied to a fb status I made saying discreetly that I WAS lazy, the status asking no one in particular why people can't accept that I didn't have a choice in the matter when my mood got like it was. She has never fucking been in my body, she has never fucking felt what I have and can fuck off and go to hell.

My mind's going, so this is its final word:
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Feeling the Mania.

My mania is best manifested in song obsessions.

There was a girl at school who was obsessed with Simple Plan for a few years...then they started her on Lithium and she normalized.

Music-fixations seem to be the key for identifying manic states. Currently obsessed with the song, "I Woke Up In A Car" by Something Corporate. Nice song, but not breathtaking, just...it is.

Maybe I should watch through Wolf's Rain, might mellow me, it always did in the past. But it'll also remind me of my love...who doesn't return my feelings...

I bought him a card.

(front)
(photo of charlie brown, snoopy, and woodstock watching a tv)
Wouldn't it be nice
if life were like a DVD...

(inside)
And you could fast-forward
through crummy times!
(same photo with them all smiling)
Hang In There!

Derek is....goofy. It just suited him, the wording did, so I bought it...I started a sketch of Iamme. Let my sub-conscience decide earlier what her symbol for Derek was. A necklace. Not uncommon for her, but she decided on a dark grey thread around her neck with a tiny gold jingle bell. Really Iamme? I'm gonna have to rip the jingle out of it. This is so not your or my style! Maybe Derek's style...

Maybe Derek's -.-

Trying very hard to get Con to join Hidden. Or Jed, but Jed isn't as responsive :x And I'm shyer around him, probably due to the lessened age difference and he's an internet celebrity. I'm always meekened around them. Yes, meekened.

Found Buncha Crunch at the Dollar Tree muthafuckas. Stuff hasn't been sold since my Michigan years, I find it without even trying in the last place I expected. Om nom.

My only male co-worker at the moment has noooo interest in my whatsoever. Not that I care, he's not my type...he's kind-of an ass, one of the guys who doesn't believe in hormones...but still. I like being able to flirt and use my...well, myself to get what I want. Nothing special, just more to lessen tensions.

Gonna get Pokemon Conquest tomorrow, it was sold out today <<; Now I'm curious. IT HAS ARTICUNO, AND DRAGONAIR. Muthafuckas.

Only thing it lacks is Ho-oh.

Grandma's fucking hell, kinda like a wasp. Stings whenever, you never know when. You can just be walking along, and BAM, stung.

Work's unpleasant. People don't care I exist, I alienate myself...always...:/

Guys online always say they don't believe I scare guys off irl. They don't realize how much of a freak I am...not at first, but...Idk. I...people don't like sticking around in my life, I confuse them...

It's true on Hidden too...I get a few friends and the rest realize I'm odd and kinda...tolerate and then grow to dislike...meh...

Derek's been showing up more though at least...got to work and got a text from him...I'd told him a random text from him might make my night...he replied and said he was flattered...

I kinda fell back against the wall and smiled so wide I looked...so foolish, but I was taken aback and just felt wonderful.

---

Thankfully blogger saves drafts, I closed this last night, lol.

Never Gonna Give...

I hate when I can't even fucking play a game because someone's decided to team kill.

Pic unrelated but from the same game.

Now I'm just stressed...

Boss tried to get me to come into work today. My first day off in over a week. :/ I lied and said I had to go to church and couldn't. Then he asked me to stay 2 hours later tomorrow, 12-7 now...meh.

I think Derek's reverting...slowly...not time-wise, but...meh, my ex is convinced he really does like me even if he represses and hides it...

Got to play with Kilplix the other night...was boring. If he said anything it was only over his livestream. He was nothing special. He really does edit out all his fails in his videos...

Too stressed to tolerate existence right now, I just want to curl up with Derek...I really..really hope one day I can...

Hatred and Spite.

:( I just washed my hair! It looks like a bird's nest. And I can say this, because I OWN a bird's nest and am very aware of how one looks. xD This is what the heat and humidity does to my hair~

Watching Legend of Korra, FINALLY found a link to the finale episodes cuz I can't exactly watch tv in this house. Such an amazing series, good for the whole family~

...sigh, I miss Derek. And don't want to work today, because work is fucking insane. Because my boss is a fucking prick-ass piece of shit who has major biases and treats people like fucking pawns.

"Daniel's good, Christina's ok, Ashley's amazing!" he told a new employee. :/

Fucking...

Hate.

Through My Atmosphere.

So I've been manic for a good week now I'd say. Maybe 4 days, but those days lasted twice as long as regular days because my mind is twice as fast.

Unfortunately, I'm in PMS mania. Which means:

- Mania--- Speedy, intrusive thoughts
--- Desire to get shit done
--- Want to talk to people
--- Desire to sit down with my grandparents, figure out my life, finish stuff finally

- PMS (specific to myself, as it varies for all girls)
--- The intrusive thoughts over-analyze mistakes I've made in my life and thinking up conversations and things I could do to explain things to people. For hours. At any time, especially before bed.
--- My desire is also plagued with stress, tensing my chest and making me twitchy and overly-driven
--- Hate people with a fiery passion except for a select few that can actually get under my skin enough to soothe my burning internal loathing (not getting under my skin in a bad way)
--- Entire body is tensed up and mind is tethered painfully towards spite and malice, making me want to be away from the god damned fucking world

As you can see, PMS mania sucks. Mania's fine. It can be really bothersome sometimes, but is more often than not a good break from depression and mixed states.

Life is unpleasant. I can't please everyone.

Money went missing at work the other day. I -KNOW- it wasn't me. KNOW. KNOW KNOW KNOW I didn't give out the wrong change. But either way if they can't find it I'll have to pay my boss $20. Fuck.

Then last night the girl I closed with, though one of the few people who gets under my skin as I explained before, was...so slow. Subway closed at 9. I worked from 3 to 10:05 and STILL didn't finish everything I had to do. But the fact I didn't get a call from my manager when she opened up in the morning, is good. Not getting spoken to, not getting called, is good news.

Derek finally spoke to me again...been 5 days but he did. I keep nearly losing hope but something never lets me give up on him, and he keeps proving why that little thread is there. His life has gone to shit as well. If...if I could only afford to meet him...even one day...

I'd just sit with him, maybe talk a little, but mostly just hold him...maybe give him a massage that I KNOW he needs more than anything right now, he's been through way too much shit.

My pms-side has been someone let loose and permitted her vent, so now my mania wants me to look at the good side.

Let's see...umm...for the first time had someone comforting me not be minded. I was blamed for doing stuff wrong at work the night before a few days ago (which i DIDN'T, there were customers non-stop for 2 STRAIGHT HOURS and the guy i worked with did NOT blame me, he understood 100%), got fucking lied to and threatened with my job until I cried. Then that girl who I worked with last night, her name's Sam, was there that day too. She saw me about to...break down...followed me. She's a bit naïve, a little inexperienced, but she's got a good heart...she asked what happened, gave me a hug, reassured me. She's kind-of like a little puppy; easily taught, slow but listens, always there to comfort and understand...

Starting to stress myself out, dinner soon, probably will be berated for doing something wrong as per usual, already have been several times today. Chest tightness returning, meh...I miss buspirone. It was my fucking miracle drug...

Boring Song I Made.

You came into my life and now I don't want you to go...
When you come around my eyes light up like summer's glow
You may not have chosen to, but still, you stole my heart
Only if you trust me can we finish what we start

It seems to me my dreams are telling me to run towards you
Despite the troubles gripping me, and tearing apart you,
And so I keep on going even with the silence growing
For I can never rest without seeing, without knowing

(oh-o-oh)
The truth is in the sky
(oh-o-oh)
Whether ride or whether fly
(oh-o-oh)
The truth is in the sky
We share the same moon,
We can get by

All I've ever heard has been your voice within my ear
Words spoken through fingertips that cradle and hold dear
But now your hope is fading and your life is solely wading
Through the dark of hurt and loss, and now you're just debating

(chorus)

Don't give up
Take a chance
Throw back life
Change your stance

The truth is in the sky
In my dreams and in my heart
The truth is, I must try
Because I know you are the one
The truth is in the sky
I can't give up until I die
The truth is in the sky
The truth is in the sky

You came into my life and now I know I can't let go...



---



And my sad attempts at writing the notes out so I don't forget (cuz i will), using my perfect pitch as a key. (a.k.a. memorizing a C note and using that as a reference to find other notes)


D-F-E-D-E-F-E-D-E-F-E-D-E-F
D-E-F-E-D-E-F-E-D-E-F-E-D-E-F
G-F-E-F-G-F-E-F-G-F-E-F-G
G-A-G-A-G-A-G-A-C-A-G-A-G

A-B-G
F-D-B-F-G-A
A-B-G
F-F-D-B-F-G-A


JUST A GENERAL idea. I know, it's soooo boring.

Save You. (a poem)

I could stare into your eyes forever

Lost in their beautiful hue

This genuine look within them
Silken and true

You're broken, aren't we all?
Everyone's unique

But you're still my other piece

Something about you is good for me

It only hurts that fate denies us

But fate is only entropy

And entropy is nothing if not unpredictable
Be the Jim to my Pam

It hurts now

It won't always

Don't give up, I won't let you

You break my heart with your silence

It feels eternal

Every minute an hour

Every heartbeat craving your return

Unsure if it'll be the next minute or the next month

As you've been known to disappear

Until I try

And try

Because I can't give up

I hurt you so badly

But you were still there

Down on my luck, I spoke to you

And you asked how anyone could reject

A beautiful, smart, amazing girl like me

Or some other terms like those

And I just melted in your hands again

But I guess it couldn't work still

You're kind-of an enigma

But only because of the entropy of your life

Constantly putting you down

I want to hold you

Be the crutch for you

The glue to hold you together

And the person you can maybe, one day...

Open up to?

I looked back

As memories are quite flawed

And you didn't give up, you kept trying

You were the one who had hope

But now you don't

I'm not going to let you give up

Because I love you

Even if you can't feel that way for me

Anytime soon

You may not remember it now

But you said it once

You need to meet me

To know what you're waiting for

What's here

We both know one another is true

But we need to see to believe

The reality of this

You are the guy

I'm done looking

Looking at you

Makes me smile

Makes me feel like I have something to look forward to

You

We used to kiss

Cuddle

Remember?

I taught you to speak in actions

And you felt it

And I was so glad

And it felt so nice

But you grow distant now...

I'll still try...

Maybe you do feel something...

Maybe...

Smile for me...

You haven't said it for a year now...

But I'll always remember it...

Because it always worked...

You always saved me from myself...

Now I need to save you...

Black Water.

Oh Derek :)

Let's see how much of my vivid, partially-lucid dream I can actually write down. Thank you, Prozac, for the vivid dreaming and giving me partial control of them a few hours after taking you :)

Was still trying to get in contact with Derek, like I have been irl...he posted from a friend's account somewhere, and all his friends started talking to him, including me. I tried to hide my feelings for him to seem like just another friend. He seemed a little down, but also like a goof. His friends told funny stories about him and said silly things.

After a while he and I got to talking because he added me on his friend's fb and were gonna talk through it. (it's a dream; logging onto his own fb is not dream-logic, sorry)

But then the dream shifted and I was sitting on a platform waiting to talk to him. (i recognized the memories my dream used; it was my elementary school playground's large field) I was looking at the sky, then looked and saw his friend, and occasionally him by his side. His friend eventually pointed to me and they walked over...

He was limping with his left leg. I don't know if his knee injury was in his left leg or right, but my dream just took a wild guess, and I kinda give kudos to my dream to taking in the fact he's hurt right now. He limped over and he had this...big-ass grin on his face and just sat down next to me. My heart kinda soared, and I just lied by him...

Then I woke up. But the image in my head is very vivid. I'm going to draw it quick. It was a...really nice scene.

Mmk, HORRIBLE gesture drawing, but got my mind's image into an illustration with a labelled memory on the back of the paper.

I miss him, even if he won't miss me for a LONG time.

And an Orange too.

It's sad that my grandma is either too proud or too ignorant to accept, she caught my flu.

Telling me, "I don't believe you have anything contagious", a week or so ago. 10 days later? She's ill with a slight fever (she says she had none, that a 2 degree rise wasn't one, it was coincidence), chills, aches, and simple exhaustion. Now she had a headache. JUST LIKE I DID. That hurts when she coughed. JUST LIKE WHEN I DID.

=.=

If she could fucking let go of her pride and accept I'm not a child, I know what the fuck a flu is, I'd have gratefully bought her some orange juice at work, and made her a Vitamin C-packed sub like I'd made myself when I was ill. I mean, it helped me feel better within 2 days. She's on day 3 and it's still knocking her down.

It's just...:/ The doctor in me wants to help.

But if I brought her the juice and the sub, she'd be insulted. Because I'd be telling her what she has and it'd insult her. So I just have to fucking deal with her saying she knows what she has and it's not contagious. Maybe my grandpa will be lucky and not catch it.

Ignorance is blissful torture. ~~ CLD (me)

Eternal Exhaustation.

Church continues to absolutely infuriate me. Every Sunday it's a different flavor of bullshit.

I go there, sit down, start reading. I'm currently at yet another part of the Bible where God's killing every non-believer and spiting people. He just...LOVES killing. Lives are meaningless to him, he is such a jealous guy. Such a piss-ant. He can't stand not being in control. :/ Maybe that's why "He" left.

I must ask, where have all the prophets gone? If he was still around, wouldn't he talk to one person in the billions and billions? Guess not. I don't get people right now.

Communion...fucking pisses me off. I sit as EVERYONE ELSE goes up and does the bs. People want me saved or wonder what's wrong with me. What's wrong? I dunno, maybe I'm not here by choice. Maybe this is absolutely offensive to be forced to take part in a religion I can not and will not believe sans proof.

Can't even enjoy singing. It's...different. People don't sing to sing there, they sing for their damned beliefs. My voice doesn't even try to escape, despite her adoration to be released. She knows better. She gave up months ago.

Then people pray for those that "have not seen the truth".

=.=

Every Sunday just pisses me off. I don't care what you believe, at all, or what you do. Freedom of choice.

But what I do unto others is NOT being done unto me. I'd never force a religion unto others...even if I have kids, I'll present them with everything. Though they will obviously be biased towards my agnostic beliefs because I won't force church on them, and won't force circumcision on them if they're male (please let that be so). But they are free to believe what comes naturally to them.

I want a son because...I dunno. Well...one, we need more decent guys in this world, I'd try and raise one. Two, I would hate myself for cursing a daughter with the misery I've experienced throughout my life with multiple chemical imbalances inherited from both sides of my family...

Third, I won't let the father name him. His name will be Silas Isaac, there is no say in the matter :P I fell in love with the name Silas when I heard someone in my swim class with that name. I just love it. And Isaac because I love I names. Isaac and Ian. If the father were entirely opposed to Silas I might go with Ian...or Tyler.

Not having a kid anytime soon though. If I somehow get pregnant (god knows how; all i've been doing is internet stuff, LOL), I will abort. Sorry, but this is my body, and no one else is about to help me. I will find a way and abort...or, if things keep going as they have been, I'd miscarry. Cuz short cycles tend to mean a baby can't properly develop, and I've been at 23 days recently.

I have a damn church song stuck in my head. Church songs are simple and sans most harmonies. (sans means without; i use this word a lot, it's one of the words i think needs to come into use more often)

This is why they are so easy to sing.

I am an alto. The harmony is gorgeous, it can make so much of a song. I listen for harmonies in all songs. But nope, church songs are easy so the masses learn them after a few lines. Bah.

Still can't believe they're sending people to Nicaragua for the sake of enlightening those people who are going...and spreading the word of God.

How about you spread some of the damned money you're wasting around so they don't starve before you even get there?

jdfhfhnvhdsnsfdnjsdunhvju

People piss me off.

So does fb, it keeps glitching~

Time to...attempt to nap a bit before work. I feel eternally exhausted. Bah.

Kisses of the Sun.

Of course I'm not meeting Derek...that'd just make my life far too good. :/

Hurts to have it not happening. Again. Because of money. As per fucking usual...

Worked a bit longer today, my retard of a co-worker got fired for doing something retarded, not my fault. I told him he did the order wrong, I told the customer, neither did shit. Boss was watching the cameras and saw, drove over. Not my fault, but he still blames me, saying I called.

So tired. Fucking shots made my arms sore, which makes...something...a bit more difficult.

Met a few new people on CR. Used my cattiness cuz I felt like it, had some fun.

I'd trade it all to be with Derek though. I just...it's not fair...:/