Through My Atmosphere.

So I've been manic for a good week now I'd say. Maybe 4 days, but those days lasted twice as long as regular days because my mind is twice as fast.

Unfortunately, I'm in PMS mania. Which means:

- Mania--- Speedy, intrusive thoughts
--- Desire to get shit done
--- Want to talk to people
--- Desire to sit down with my grandparents, figure out my life, finish stuff finally

- PMS (specific to myself, as it varies for all girls)
--- The intrusive thoughts over-analyze mistakes I've made in my life and thinking up conversations and things I could do to explain things to people. For hours. At any time, especially before bed.
--- My desire is also plagued with stress, tensing my chest and making me twitchy and overly-driven
--- Hate people with a fiery passion except for a select few that can actually get under my skin enough to soothe my burning internal loathing (not getting under my skin in a bad way)
--- Entire body is tensed up and mind is tethered painfully towards spite and malice, making me want to be away from the god damned fucking world

As you can see, PMS mania sucks. Mania's fine. It can be really bothersome sometimes, but is more often than not a good break from depression and mixed states.

Life is unpleasant. I can't please everyone.

Money went missing at work the other day. I -KNOW- it wasn't me. KNOW. KNOW KNOW KNOW I didn't give out the wrong change. But either way if they can't find it I'll have to pay my boss $20. Fuck.

Then last night the girl I closed with, though one of the few people who gets under my skin as I explained before, was...so slow. Subway closed at 9. I worked from 3 to 10:05 and STILL didn't finish everything I had to do. But the fact I didn't get a call from my manager when she opened up in the morning, is good. Not getting spoken to, not getting called, is good news.

Derek finally spoke to me again...been 5 days but he did. I keep nearly losing hope but something never lets me give up on him, and he keeps proving why that little thread is there. His life has gone to shit as well. If...if I could only afford to meet him...even one day...

I'd just sit with him, maybe talk a little, but mostly just hold him...maybe give him a massage that I KNOW he needs more than anything right now, he's been through way too much shit.

My pms-side has been someone let loose and permitted her vent, so now my mania wants me to look at the good side.

Let's see...umm...for the first time had someone comforting me not be minded. I was blamed for doing stuff wrong at work the night before a few days ago (which i DIDN'T, there were customers non-stop for 2 STRAIGHT HOURS and the guy i worked with did NOT blame me, he understood 100%), got fucking lied to and threatened with my job until I cried. Then that girl who I worked with last night, her name's Sam, was there that day too. She saw me about to...break down...followed me. She's a bit naïve, a little inexperienced, but she's got a good heart...she asked what happened, gave me a hug, reassured me. She's kind-of like a little puppy; easily taught, slow but listens, always there to comfort and understand...

Starting to stress myself out, dinner soon, probably will be berated for doing something wrong as per usual, already have been several times today. Chest tightness returning, meh...I miss buspirone. It was my fucking miracle drug...