Hurt my...ulnar nerve at work yesterday. Four 38 lb bins of cat litter = oops. My pinky is in pain and is not fond of typing despite my not using it much, maybe it just moves my hand back and forth for this.
So, Derek's back again. He actually just...let me know, he believes he's bipolar. I kinda figured it, but compared to how shut off about himself he had been in the past, it's a major step forward. If I really go to the University of Buffalo this fall...sigh, it'll have been too long. I want to meet him...
Spoke to the dumbass on the phone last night. He would randomly yell profane amusements at bad drivers and I apparently got chucked more than once due to cops being near. Hey, I didn't know he was driving until he told me! Oh well. I wasn't about to give up a chance to hear his voice. I missed him so much...
Yeah, my nerve is pinching as I type. I should stop. OW.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
Monday, December 24, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
Age.
Older. Younger.
Age only matters in relationships, but should not interfere with natural feelings after puberty. Puberty signifies a step into an area where your body is literally ready. For a life-long mate, not likely, but not everyone even gains that ability.
*sighs* So basically. I know I would never get in a relationship with this kid at his age. But he's past puberty. And bodies and minds react due to the fact that we're all ANIMALS. Why can't it be easier.
Also, internet celebrities can be depressing, I hate getting crushes on them. I am...extremely easily influenced by voice. It, hair, and body type are some major influences on my attraction towards a person.
Besides. Finding out a cute guy was actually getting off to you and you had no idea while you were ON THE CAM with them...pretty damn amusing and funny xD And a compliment.
I dun care. I think it was my seductive voice. I rarely ever use it. I can only ever force myself to when reading something pre-written.
Eh. I just need to get laid again I guess. I have plenty of crushes, and plenty of likes, and plenty of guys I wouldn't mind having a play-date with just for the sake.
Anyone's a victim right now...kinda. I still have my pickiness and standards. But it's easy to get into my sights. Yes folks, this is Hard Harry comin' to you live...
I have this feeling if I ever cammed Con I'd bore the crap out of him due to generational differences. Or weird him because I am weird. I dunno, I don't have many people to talk to.
I have Tom from Britain...cute, nice body, not bad...;) A brilliant wordsmith with a dashing accent. Always enjoyable to converse with.
Dean's kinda my Ducky from the Netherlands.
Now that I'm on that subject...who else do I have as friends.
Manuel from Austria
Marcy from Brasil (and Shanna, and my first ex João)
Sigh. I think my relations have dwindled, I need to spread my knowledge of the world. But honestly, the friends I talk to most are my foreign friends. It's strange.
Age only matters in relationships, but should not interfere with natural feelings after puberty. Puberty signifies a step into an area where your body is literally ready. For a life-long mate, not likely, but not everyone even gains that ability.
*sighs* So basically. I know I would never get in a relationship with this kid at his age. But he's past puberty. And bodies and minds react due to the fact that we're all ANIMALS. Why can't it be easier.
Also, internet celebrities can be depressing, I hate getting crushes on them. I am...extremely easily influenced by voice. It, hair, and body type are some major influences on my attraction towards a person.
Besides. Finding out a cute guy was actually getting off to you and you had no idea while you were ON THE CAM with them...pretty damn amusing and funny xD And a compliment.
I dun care. I think it was my seductive voice. I rarely ever use it. I can only ever force myself to when reading something pre-written.
Eh. I just need to get laid again I guess. I have plenty of crushes, and plenty of likes, and plenty of guys I wouldn't mind having a play-date with just for the sake.
Anyone's a victim right now...kinda. I still have my pickiness and standards. But it's easy to get into my sights. Yes folks, this is Hard Harry comin' to you live...
I have this feeling if I ever cammed Con I'd bore the crap out of him due to generational differences. Or weird him because I am weird. I dunno, I don't have many people to talk to.
I have Tom from Britain...cute, nice body, not bad...;) A brilliant wordsmith with a dashing accent. Always enjoyable to converse with.
Dean's kinda my Ducky from the Netherlands.
Now that I'm on that subject...who else do I have as friends.
Manuel from Austria
Marcy from Brasil (and Shanna, and my first ex João)
Sigh. I think my relations have dwindled, I need to spread my knowledge of the world. But honestly, the friends I talk to most are my foreign friends. It's strange.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
Now.
I hate Christmas. Why? Because of the expectations. In this damn society it's not fucking optional.
Well. SOME of us don't GIVE a SHIT anymore. I don't want gifts and don't want to give when I feel this horrible.
My art is MINE. I draw it for people who deserve it and people who I respect ONLY. Why are you fucking forcing me to do this. It is my own graphite blood.
I don't have a car anymore btw. Lost control. Everyone blames me. I just didn't realize that a huge fucking tank SUV will lose traction or hydroplane on a night with minor mist.
My chest burns. I feel horrible. Make it stop. Make it go away.
Well. SOME of us don't GIVE a SHIT anymore. I don't want gifts and don't want to give when I feel this horrible.
My art is MINE. I draw it for people who deserve it and people who I respect ONLY. Why are you fucking forcing me to do this. It is my own graphite blood.
I don't have a car anymore btw. Lost control. Everyone blames me. I just didn't realize that a huge fucking tank SUV will lose traction or hydroplane on a night with minor mist.
My chest burns. I feel horrible. Make it stop. Make it go away.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
Choose Me Again
Oh Derek...I love you, I just wish I knew you'd be there when I finally had a chance to meet you.
Number 4 is not something that should be referring to a concussion. I worry so much about you. I know, I know...you're somehow able to survive. But I can't help it. I love you. All of you...
At least you're back again...it's been too long. It's always too long, any time I spend without you. I could sit next to you for the rest of my life and be happy. And yet I've not even been able to meet you yet. I get flashes as we IM that you're there typing back, your physical form...so close. When we text, I am for a moment your focus. You are always mine...
Yeah, I'm single again. I felt too much for Derek. I couldn't be in a relationship. It didn't feel right...
I wish he'd ask me to be his girlfriend...just because...
*sighs* My mind and heart and body all love him. I don't say it to him because he's got too much going on, and he already knows.
Maybe one day he'll choose me again...
Number 4 is not something that should be referring to a concussion. I worry so much about you. I know, I know...you're somehow able to survive. But I can't help it. I love you. All of you...
At least you're back again...it's been too long. It's always too long, any time I spend without you. I could sit next to you for the rest of my life and be happy. And yet I've not even been able to meet you yet. I get flashes as we IM that you're there typing back, your physical form...so close. When we text, I am for a moment your focus. You are always mine...
Yeah, I'm single again. I felt too much for Derek. I couldn't be in a relationship. It didn't feel right...
I wish he'd ask me to be his girlfriend...just because...
*sighs* My mind and heart and body all love him. I don't say it to him because he's got too much going on, and he already knows.
Maybe one day he'll choose me again...
Saturday, October 20, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
Karma
My grandma has Pulmonary Fibrosis.
This basically means that slowly her lungs are simply becoming scarred. Scar tissue is replacing healthy lung tissue. She never had asthma. Her WORST prognosis would be 3 years, good would be 10, but nothing is definitive and it might increase. She will need oxygen starting this spring.
Karma.
I don't feel pity, I don't feel bad, my dad was right all those years ago; everything my grandma and grandpa get, they deserved. Diabetes for him, IPF for my grandma. I do not pity. Not after the colors of them that I have seen.
The only downside is...
I have always had problems with exercising. Going upstairs gets me out of breath, always has. 2 flights makes my heart race. I get lightheaded easily and can't climb up a hill trail without being out of breath, with a headache and lightheadedness.
Pulmonary Fibrosis can be genetic.
I pray to the non-god that I'm just a weak lazy wimp with kinda weak lungs due to too much anxiety and my mom smoking while preggo with me. Because it is a degenerative illness with no cure. On the other hand, it'd make sense. But I am very young. But I'd actually have a valid excuse why I can't do everything others can...
Flip the coin my friend.
This basically means that slowly her lungs are simply becoming scarred. Scar tissue is replacing healthy lung tissue. She never had asthma. Her WORST prognosis would be 3 years, good would be 10, but nothing is definitive and it might increase. She will need oxygen starting this spring.
Karma.
I don't feel pity, I don't feel bad, my dad was right all those years ago; everything my grandma and grandpa get, they deserved. Diabetes for him, IPF for my grandma. I do not pity. Not after the colors of them that I have seen.
The only downside is...
I have always had problems with exercising. Going upstairs gets me out of breath, always has. 2 flights makes my heart race. I get lightheaded easily and can't climb up a hill trail without being out of breath, with a headache and lightheadedness.
Pulmonary Fibrosis can be genetic.
I pray to the non-god that I'm just a weak lazy wimp with kinda weak lungs due to too much anxiety and my mom smoking while preggo with me. Because it is a degenerative illness with no cure. On the other hand, it'd make sense. But I am very young. But I'd actually have a valid excuse why I can't do everything others can...
Flip the coin my friend.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
Down, down.
Zelly should be asleep, she has lots of shit to do. Fucking PMS. Fucking retarded requirements, lot of shit to fudge tomorrow. Been eating at Rory's a lot so have to make all the stuff my grandma got for me while they're away, tomorrow. *sighs* bag of broccoli, bag of fries, entire pizza, rice. Apparently I forgot how to spell broccoli. It must be fucking late.
If Australia is up, I should be down. *yawns*...
If Australia is up, I should be down. *yawns*...
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
Finally.
So the other day I took a risk; I've been doing a LOT of that recently in relation to college.
I got a guy in my choir's number from someone else because I'd been too shy to ask him directly. But he didn't mind. We talked, he seemed genuinely intelligent...nice change. A guy that's actually mature, been needing one of those around...Planned to meet him the next morning at college.
Got there, saw him...found a pillar and stood by it, silently watching, seeing if he'd notice me and come over...he was playing ping-pong with other people, I just...I didn't feel comfortable with approaching. I am meek. Guys talked to me every 5 minutes........NOT the day I want guys to randomly come up to me and flirt. Of course it only happens the day I am not interested in anyone else.
Eventually he came over, we talked, we walked...I ended up a few minutes later for my forum class because I walked 15 minutes in the other direction, but oh well. Forum was ok, but my teacher needs to not be so judgemental. Also found out a girl in my forum was nippy and rather fond of Mr. Ellis. Ugh. So I walked away...pretty upset. :/
Went back, he told me he'd be there...just ate lunch, went back, felt...pretty dejected and down. He eventually came over and we walked and talked, went to a bench, talked and talked...moved due to slight misting rain, went back when we determined I was right, that there were no benches indoors...sat back outside on a bench, near my favorite spot tbh. Talked, talked, got closer...
Sigh...it's been a while. I wanted to enjoy it so much more than I did. I honestly don't know if it was a mild migraine aura disconnecting me, or pms absolutely clawing at my ability to feel much. My mind's kind-of tangled string right now, despite my cognition being entirely intact.
He thinks like me...I hope we have enough differences to keep each other entertained. One's worst enemy is one's self. I don't imagine that's the case but simply evolutionary traits I've learned of make me wonder how I'll end up feeling, I don't feel anything just yet but...well, comfort. It's nice...exciting to be with an attractive guy who actually makes an attempt to please me...
I mean...out of everyone...João did that, but he and I loved one another, we spent hours doing nothing but tracing patterns up and down each other's arms. And Gavin was sweet, he was gentle and willing to learn...
I'd like to know what it's like to be treated like a girlfriend rather than like a online girlfriend, or a sex partner, or just a partner...I dunno, it's hard to explain, but my past relationships have been lacking...each had its good parts. But oftentimes they'd have a huge, gaping lack of something, or a lot of things, completely overshadowing everything in the end. Gavin was too young and too controlled to treat me like a girlfriend...his mother was controlling and insane, he was 16 at the time. I was 18. Yeah, age difference, but he was mature for his age, just not experienced...
João was only in my life, in my physical life, for a week...sadly...it may have been the best week of my life, but that's sadly all it was...a week...
My love life has been full but lacking. To say my only dates have been with a now-friend who I never was in a relationship with, and those dates were only a few months ago......it's pretty pathetic...
I'm curious where this all will lead...
It was nice to feel soft lips again...he held my hands like someone who actually cared who I was...and kept me warm...it was...nice...gentle...nothing forced...
I always wanted to have a guy kiss me when my eyes were already closed...it may have happened before but I likely blocked out an unpleasant forceful kiss...his was soft...I liked the experience and trust him to kiss me on a whim again...
I should sleep. *sighs* Time to leave this comfortable, light place in my chest. Tomorrow I wake up to a day with my grandma running my life for the first half and probably making me cry...
...ugh damnit I'm drenched I just changed my underwear too. Fml.
I got a guy in my choir's number from someone else because I'd been too shy to ask him directly. But he didn't mind. We talked, he seemed genuinely intelligent...nice change. A guy that's actually mature, been needing one of those around...Planned to meet him the next morning at college.
Got there, saw him...found a pillar and stood by it, silently watching, seeing if he'd notice me and come over...he was playing ping-pong with other people, I just...I didn't feel comfortable with approaching. I am meek. Guys talked to me every 5 minutes........NOT the day I want guys to randomly come up to me and flirt. Of course it only happens the day I am not interested in anyone else.
Eventually he came over, we talked, we walked...I ended up a few minutes later for my forum class because I walked 15 minutes in the other direction, but oh well. Forum was ok, but my teacher needs to not be so judgemental. Also found out a girl in my forum was nippy and rather fond of Mr. Ellis. Ugh. So I walked away...pretty upset. :/
Went back, he told me he'd be there...just ate lunch, went back, felt...pretty dejected and down. He eventually came over and we walked and talked, went to a bench, talked and talked...moved due to slight misting rain, went back when we determined I was right, that there were no benches indoors...sat back outside on a bench, near my favorite spot tbh. Talked, talked, got closer...
Sigh...it's been a while. I wanted to enjoy it so much more than I did. I honestly don't know if it was a mild migraine aura disconnecting me, or pms absolutely clawing at my ability to feel much. My mind's kind-of tangled string right now, despite my cognition being entirely intact.
He thinks like me...I hope we have enough differences to keep each other entertained. One's worst enemy is one's self. I don't imagine that's the case but simply evolutionary traits I've learned of make me wonder how I'll end up feeling, I don't feel anything just yet but...well, comfort. It's nice...exciting to be with an attractive guy who actually makes an attempt to please me...
I mean...out of everyone...João did that, but he and I loved one another, we spent hours doing nothing but tracing patterns up and down each other's arms. And Gavin was sweet, he was gentle and willing to learn...
I'd like to know what it's like to be treated like a girlfriend rather than like a online girlfriend, or a sex partner, or just a partner...I dunno, it's hard to explain, but my past relationships have been lacking...each had its good parts. But oftentimes they'd have a huge, gaping lack of something, or a lot of things, completely overshadowing everything in the end. Gavin was too young and too controlled to treat me like a girlfriend...his mother was controlling and insane, he was 16 at the time. I was 18. Yeah, age difference, but he was mature for his age, just not experienced...
João was only in my life, in my physical life, for a week...sadly...it may have been the best week of my life, but that's sadly all it was...a week...
My love life has been full but lacking. To say my only dates have been with a now-friend who I never was in a relationship with, and those dates were only a few months ago......it's pretty pathetic...
I'm curious where this all will lead...
It was nice to feel soft lips again...he held my hands like someone who actually cared who I was...and kept me warm...it was...nice...gentle...nothing forced...
I always wanted to have a guy kiss me when my eyes were already closed...it may have happened before but I likely blocked out an unpleasant forceful kiss...his was soft...I liked the experience and trust him to kiss me on a whim again...
I should sleep. *sighs* Time to leave this comfortable, light place in my chest. Tomorrow I wake up to a day with my grandma running my life for the first half and probably making me cry...
...ugh damnit I'm drenched I just changed my underwear too. Fml.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
Let me hold you
An enigma, sweet and bitter
Like the rose on your ear
Your voice a cradle and words soft
Though at times they betray the tone lacked by type
Jealousy devours and carves into me like the shy girl I am
I want you to feel for me and not ask for less
I cannot give less when I feel the greater
The mountain cannot avalanche a snowball
I can't feel less for someone as you are
I want you to see me, every facet, every flaw and speck inside of me
Opalescent with rough stone against my frame
Easy to break and easier to look over
Soft but beautiful but fragile as snowdrops...
Let me a chance
Don't pity the girl who hurts you always
Let the girl in who sees beauty in you
Who wants you, wants to see those eyes
Be close to that one of few who she lets hold her
And actually wants to be near
I'll call you my love, mi amore, anything
And if I couldn't satisfy...so be it
I so crave though to taste the sweet nectar
Feel the metal against my lips as I linger like a snowflake on a petal
I've wanted this for so long, attracted in every way
To a unique soul who maybe can see me...
Give me a chance
Stop giving it to the undeserving
My jealousy doesn't care for anything as her fangs show
She wants
All I want
Is to be held again...
I miss you...
Like the rose on your ear
Your voice a cradle and words soft
Though at times they betray the tone lacked by type
Jealousy devours and carves into me like the shy girl I am
I want you to feel for me and not ask for less
I cannot give less when I feel the greater
The mountain cannot avalanche a snowball
I can't feel less for someone as you are
I want you to see me, every facet, every flaw and speck inside of me
Opalescent with rough stone against my frame
Easy to break and easier to look over
Soft but beautiful but fragile as snowdrops...
Let me a chance
Don't pity the girl who hurts you always
Let the girl in who sees beauty in you
Who wants you, wants to see those eyes
Be close to that one of few who she lets hold her
And actually wants to be near
I'll call you my love, mi amore, anything
And if I couldn't satisfy...so be it
I so crave though to taste the sweet nectar
Feel the metal against my lips as I linger like a snowflake on a petal
I've wanted this for so long, attracted in every way
To a unique soul who maybe can see me...
Give me a chance
Stop giving it to the undeserving
My jealousy doesn't care for anything as her fangs show
She wants
All I want
Is to be held again...
I miss you...
Saturday, September 22, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
Clueless
It's been so long...it was...wonderful. Yes, backpack straps and the...things that are on those that loosen/tighten, were in the way...but still...
And he didn't end it, either...he just held me...it felt so nice...the look in his eyes after...his grin...I don't know. Head over feet, as Alanis says. I'm not even ovulating right now, it's not that even. I just...like him.
God, do I wish he wasn't taken...my god, I...the entire time, he could read me, so well...he accepted me. I let him in...I let him in, I never do that. I never says those things on my mind...
...I've never told anyone Iamme said something. They think she's just a fursona. She's an aspect of me, my heart. She embodies my basest, my darkest, my every desire and craving...and as I wear my heart on my sleeve, she displays a piece for people she feels for. She wants something for this guy. But...
I really should have known better. It was so nice and now I'm trapped, I want more. I'm addicted. You can't just have one nip of a cookie. One sliver of crab meat. A single fresh, delicious, yellow corn kernel.
I wanna let him see this. You hear me? You gut me...and on that note, I need some obsession quoted here:
"Come in. Every night you enter me like a criminal. You break into
my brain, but you're no ordinary criminal. You put your feet up, you drink your can of
Pepsi, you start to party, you turn up my stereo. Songs I've never heard, but I move
anyway. You get me crazy, I say 'Do it.' I don't care just do it. Jam me, jack me, push me,
pull me - talk hard!"
"You're the voice crying out in the wilderness, your the voice that
makes my brain burn and make my guts go gooey. Yeah you gut me, my insides spill on
your alter and tell the future, my steaming gleaming guts spill out your nature. I know
you, not your name, but your game. I know the true you, come to me or I'll come to you."
Nora, "Pump Up The Volume."
----
I want you
Not just physical anymore after I read your eyes because you let me in a little bit
I see something good and I don't want to let it slip away
Even if you're behind a fence I want you to stay in view and come nearer, towards me
Slowly
Every look I give pleading, every motion geared to summon you
You lure me
Control me
And you're one of a rare few I melt within the arms of...
Don't take that away from me
Feed me my poison, I'll gladly beg for more and lick my lips
Addicted to something that will always hurt me
If only you were mine
I want to look into your eyes
I'm so shy right now, I can't let you see me blush
Because...I shouldn't be blushing for you
I shouldn't have even gotten close...
Now I'm stuck to a hope
A hopeless hope
Like a wolf and the moon
Maybe you'll come to me...
I imagine now
If...I were to kiss you...
Your lips would be soft and gentle...not pushing...not speedy...
If my hand and yours
Met for but a moment or more
You grasping mine...taking it...I'd just...
Fall against you and breathe you in
Breathe out in a way I haven't in a long time
Why am I such a fool
I am being Cinna, why
No, I can't
But he's amazing
But you know better, Zelly
Iamme...
Derek's gone again, Zelly...Derek's gone again for whatever stupid reason he has now
I...
Maybe...your luck...will shift?...
Maybe...
My chest pain is gone...replaced with smooth water
You know why that is, Zelly...
That hug was so wonderful...I..didn't...want to leave it...I could have stood there forever...
His heart...
...will never be mine, will it?
Maybe in tumultuous worlds, Anzel...
Maybe she's just readying you so once you get it, you'll know it was worth getting...
Nature does strange things...you know she loves you though
The storms better you, heal you...
You can breathe...
Iamme...
Yes...I know...
I want it to happen too...
But whether you love...or hate...this girl
You know love
You -know-
How much it means
How much it hurts
You can't simply end what was never simple...
Wait...
I don't have an aspect of time...my patience only works for good things...
Think of it like a countdown...
That is...cruel...
But it's only for you...you have no association with her, my love...
Remember that...
I like him...
And he didn't end it, either...he just held me...it felt so nice...the look in his eyes after...his grin...I don't know. Head over feet, as Alanis says. I'm not even ovulating right now, it's not that even. I just...like him.
God, do I wish he wasn't taken...my god, I...the entire time, he could read me, so well...he accepted me. I let him in...I let him in, I never do that. I never says those things on my mind...
...I've never told anyone Iamme said something. They think she's just a fursona. She's an aspect of me, my heart. She embodies my basest, my darkest, my every desire and craving...and as I wear my heart on my sleeve, she displays a piece for people she feels for. She wants something for this guy. But...
I really should have known better. It was so nice and now I'm trapped, I want more. I'm addicted. You can't just have one nip of a cookie. One sliver of crab meat. A single fresh, delicious, yellow corn kernel.
I wanna let him see this. You hear me? You gut me...and on that note, I need some obsession quoted here:
"Come in. Every night you enter me like a criminal. You break into
my brain, but you're no ordinary criminal. You put your feet up, you drink your can of
Pepsi, you start to party, you turn up my stereo. Songs I've never heard, but I move
anyway. You get me crazy, I say 'Do it.' I don't care just do it. Jam me, jack me, push me,
pull me - talk hard!"
"You're the voice crying out in the wilderness, your the voice that
makes my brain burn and make my guts go gooey. Yeah you gut me, my insides spill on
your alter and tell the future, my steaming gleaming guts spill out your nature. I know
you, not your name, but your game. I know the true you, come to me or I'll come to you."
Nora, "Pump Up The Volume."
----
I want you
Not just physical anymore after I read your eyes because you let me in a little bit
I see something good and I don't want to let it slip away
Even if you're behind a fence I want you to stay in view and come nearer, towards me
Slowly
Every look I give pleading, every motion geared to summon you
You lure me
Control me
And you're one of a rare few I melt within the arms of...
Don't take that away from me
Feed me my poison, I'll gladly beg for more and lick my lips
Addicted to something that will always hurt me
If only you were mine
I want to look into your eyes
I'm so shy right now, I can't let you see me blush
Because...I shouldn't be blushing for you
I shouldn't have even gotten close...
Now I'm stuck to a hope
A hopeless hope
Like a wolf and the moon
Maybe you'll come to me...
I imagine now
If...I were to kiss you...
Your lips would be soft and gentle...not pushing...not speedy...
If my hand and yours
Met for but a moment or more
You grasping mine...taking it...I'd just...
Fall against you and breathe you in
Breathe out in a way I haven't in a long time
Why am I such a fool
I am being Cinna, why
No, I can't
But he's amazing
But you know better, Zelly
Iamme...
Derek's gone again, Zelly...Derek's gone again for whatever stupid reason he has now
I...
Maybe...your luck...will shift?...
Maybe...
My chest pain is gone...replaced with smooth water
You know why that is, Zelly...
That hug was so wonderful...I..didn't...want to leave it...I could have stood there forever...
His heart...
...will never be mine, will it?
Maybe in tumultuous worlds, Anzel...
Maybe she's just readying you so once you get it, you'll know it was worth getting...
Nature does strange things...you know she loves you though
The storms better you, heal you...
You can breathe...
Iamme...
Yes...I know...
I want it to happen too...
But whether you love...or hate...this girl
You know love
You -know-
How much it means
How much it hurts
You can't simply end what was never simple...
Wait...
I don't have an aspect of time...my patience only works for good things...
Think of it like a countdown...
That is...cruel...
But it's only for you...you have no association with her, my love...
Remember that...
I like him...
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
Don't care, happy.
<3 br="br">
It took a long time. Well...it felt like forever to me...but...but he's back.
Derek's back in my life and I feel...happy. I feel happy...
I might be remembering wrong, but I think in my blog I covered the whole, I hate him...no, I love him, thing. But it's how it is...I was mad at him. But I knew better. I'm stuck on him. I am his moon, I just can't keep away from him.
He's Derek again though...:) He's Derek. He's a goof, he's happy, unstressed, it's wonderful. He's wonderful...he knows how he's been. Everything he's done and not done. He knows...we both know, we both admit, we both are upset. But all in all he's...he's a wonderful guy, I'm so happy he's back in my life...
Having him say...he's..happy I'm back too...means so much...he just...
I knew he'd come back. He means the world to me...I can't help it...he makes me complete.
<3 p="p">
It took a long time. Well...it felt like forever to me...but...but he's back.
Derek's back in my life and I feel...happy. I feel happy...
I might be remembering wrong, but I think in my blog I covered the whole, I hate him...no, I love him, thing. But it's how it is...I was mad at him. But I knew better. I'm stuck on him. I am his moon, I just can't keep away from him.
He's Derek again though...:) He's Derek. He's a goof, he's happy, unstressed, it's wonderful. He's wonderful...he knows how he's been. Everything he's done and not done. He knows...we both know, we both admit, we both are upset. But all in all he's...he's a wonderful guy, I'm so happy he's back in my life...
Having him say...he's..happy I'm back too...means so much...he just...
I knew he'd come back. He means the world to me...I can't help it...he makes me complete.
<3 p="p">
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
A fin de don.
*rubs her tummy* xP Nothing like when one's body says HEY, I'm here to show you what it's like to have contractions cuz you MUST KNOW.
<<;
Bought 2 shirts today, and a few..huge books. Medical books. Nice reads, kinda excited :3 First day of actual classes tomorrow.
Also bought a lil toy corvette cuz I like corvettes and get toy ones when I can :P Sexy voluptuous cars they are.
Beast, or Nightmare, apparently does need some tweaking. Oy vey...damn Beast. Car of death.
<<;
Bought 2 shirts today, and a few..huge books. Medical books. Nice reads, kinda excited :3 First day of actual classes tomorrow.
Also bought a lil toy corvette cuz I like corvettes and get toy ones when I can :P Sexy voluptuous cars they are.
Beast, or Nightmare, apparently does need some tweaking. Oy vey...damn Beast. Car of death.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
Give...or take.
My friend just got Hugh Laurie's autograph while he (my friend) was at work. A.k.a. House. Yes, THE House. Doctor House.
...excuse me whilst I go forge a will and eat him with a spork so I get that piece of paper.
...excuse me whilst I go forge a will and eat him with a spork so I get that piece of paper.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
Can't Win.
I choose friends, grandparents gets upset...I choose work, I get stressed/grandparents get upset...I choose grandparents, work or friends get upset/then I get stressed.
Can't fucking win here.
They need to get some fucking colored vision or something, all they see is the bad in what I do. They are intolerant and it's fucking crazy.
:/ Tired...need sleep.
Also found out, my wonderful public, that I cannot even watch porn after saying 'good night' to them and going to bed with the laptop to prep myself for sleep <<; Why?
They watch the blinking lights on the router and know when I'm online.
-______-
Maybe I should DC and just play Bonetown. But alas, that game's good foreplay for my mood but...it's hard to play a game and, at the same time, rub one out; being that I'm a girl and we naturally have certain positions we have to be in in order to get off.
Again. I wish I had normal grandparents and not fucking energizer bunny republicans who praise the lord like they breathe him. They probably do. UGH.
...
Anyhow.
A girl I met on a Pokemon Spriting forum half a decade ago, at the same time I met my first boyfriend...
Whelp. She goes to my college now. Small world. People can say the internet is full of creeps, but they need to realize that most of the people they'd know would be on the internet. That'd mean the majority of them are creeps.
If not, then the internet is mostly filled with just PEOPLE. With creeps scattered around in dark corners, just like in real life, being very, very easy to stop.
((except for Dexter))
They just don't get it. Sigh. If they only knew the truth...
But they never will.
Ever.
Can't fucking win here.
They need to get some fucking colored vision or something, all they see is the bad in what I do. They are intolerant and it's fucking crazy.
:/ Tired...need sleep.
Also found out, my wonderful public, that I cannot even watch porn after saying 'good night' to them and going to bed with the laptop to prep myself for sleep <<; Why?
They watch the blinking lights on the router and know when I'm online.
-______-
Maybe I should DC and just play Bonetown. But alas, that game's good foreplay for my mood but...it's hard to play a game and, at the same time, rub one out; being that I'm a girl and we naturally have certain positions we have to be in in order to get off.
Again. I wish I had normal grandparents and not fucking energizer bunny republicans who praise the lord like they breathe him. They probably do. UGH.
...
Anyhow.
A girl I met on a Pokemon Spriting forum half a decade ago, at the same time I met my first boyfriend...
Whelp. She goes to my college now. Small world. People can say the internet is full of creeps, but they need to realize that most of the people they'd know would be on the internet. That'd mean the majority of them are creeps.
If not, then the internet is mostly filled with just PEOPLE. With creeps scattered around in dark corners, just like in real life, being very, very easy to stop.
((except for Dexter))
They just don't get it. Sigh. If they only knew the truth...
But they never will.
Ever.
Monday, August 27, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
I don't know, there are so many answers.
LOVE my luck. Started liking a guy who worked at the pizza place next to subway. I, being me, fucking chickened out :P Even got my co-worker to tell him I had something to say to him when he had a moment. I backed out. I asked him if he lived near somewhere, he said he lived at this place not that, his boss was there...oh god I turned red as fuck. I just left. I gave up. x3
...so now I find out he's gone. Probably broke curfew (parole), and the pizza place has some new, ASSHOLE owners. :/ So even though today, I remembered one of my life mottos,
"If you do it, you'll regret it. If you don't do it, you'll regret it. Either way you'll regret it; might as well just do it."
...it was too late. :/ Fuck my luck. He didn't have a cell, no one knows where he lives exactly so...:/
*sighs* So anyhow...:/
Um. Let's see. Bert n' Mysh need to come down off their clouds and remember, I dunno...maybe I'm one of the fans he had back when his videos only had 500 views? Maybe I've always been a supporter and a spreader of their videos? Nope, now I'm ignored. Rather annoyed...:/ Idk. I just...like to know I exist sometimes.
Gonna be sick to my stomach soon because, WELL...this girl has a gelatin intolerance.
=.= But I LURVE Marshmallow Circus Peanuts. But they have gelatin in them...
If you don't like/get sick from regular marshmallows, cream cheese, cool whip, gummy bears...you're probably like me. Your body doesn't produce gelatinase, or at least not enough of it. :/ It's the SPECIFIC thing that breaks down gelatin...meh...
So I'm getting more into Minecraft. I like my world.
-4407084901262200316
Alliroe is what I named my world, though tbh Alliroe is my generic name for worlds or lands I create. It was the alternate dimension/world where my hybridians (anthros) lived. Made all this stuff up when 10 or less, still remember and use it.
Anyhow, my world is boss. It has THE PERFECT place for a home. A hollowed-out area beneath a HUGE jungle tree that is separate from the rest of the jungle biome because it's on the other side of the river. So basically it sticks out like a sore thumb. And even with low render distance, I can see it from about anywhere, cuz it's in a plains area. There's a beautiful ravine near my home as well. It's just all-around quaint.
Also discovered a seemingly perfect biome...
brave
As the seed. Simple, sweet, good to start at I'd say.
I may restart on my world though...cuz I kinda...well...CREEPERS...kinda...pock-marked my landscape and I just lost like, everything. Again. :P
...dunno what Olivier thought by trying to hook me up with an ugly religious guy. Oy vey...
I met a very similar-to-me girl today. She was also an artist who failed at humans and preferred to draw nature pics. She sang (obviously, cuz we were at the college for a choir club), she ALSO was scouting out potential hot guys...which was...honestly pretty amusing to know I wasn't the only one.
Lamictal might be working, not sure. I just want college to start, I feel so...antsy. I don't have anything specific to do...
Might go on a walk in a second, the scent of storm is a blessing and her wind caresses.
I dreamt about....DEXTER SPOILER DON'T READ DON'T READ DON'T READ IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED THE MOST RECENT SEASON IN ITS ENTIRELY (which everyone should cuz dexter is the best show I have ever seen in my LIFE, every single season is AWESOME and makes you NEED the next one. NEED.)
SPOILER
SPOILER
SPOILER
Deb just...observed. Accepted. They made love, she tried to figure things out, was too attracted to him to mind. It was a weird dream. She asked questions, what happened to Doakes and such, how he did it...but mostly just...had fallen for him.
Idk. Dream. <<;
END SPOILER
Also dreamt about tornadoes, which was cool, I love those dreams.
*yawns*...I miss tv. :(
I miss a lot of things I guess. I don't miss driving around in this heat xD I need to get outside, it's getting dark. Adios.
...so now I find out he's gone. Probably broke curfew (parole), and the pizza place has some new, ASSHOLE owners. :/ So even though today, I remembered one of my life mottos,
"If you do it, you'll regret it. If you don't do it, you'll regret it. Either way you'll regret it; might as well just do it."
...it was too late. :/ Fuck my luck. He didn't have a cell, no one knows where he lives exactly so...:/
*sighs* So anyhow...:/
Um. Let's see. Bert n' Mysh need to come down off their clouds and remember, I dunno...maybe I'm one of the fans he had back when his videos only had 500 views? Maybe I've always been a supporter and a spreader of their videos? Nope, now I'm ignored. Rather annoyed...:/ Idk. I just...like to know I exist sometimes.
Gonna be sick to my stomach soon because, WELL...this girl has a gelatin intolerance.
=.= But I LURVE Marshmallow Circus Peanuts. But they have gelatin in them...
If you don't like/get sick from regular marshmallows, cream cheese, cool whip, gummy bears...you're probably like me. Your body doesn't produce gelatinase, or at least not enough of it. :/ It's the SPECIFIC thing that breaks down gelatin...meh...
So I'm getting more into Minecraft. I like my world.
-4407084901262200316
Alliroe is what I named my world, though tbh Alliroe is my generic name for worlds or lands I create. It was the alternate dimension/world where my hybridians (anthros) lived. Made all this stuff up when 10 or less, still remember and use it.
Anyhow, my world is boss. It has THE PERFECT place for a home. A hollowed-out area beneath a HUGE jungle tree that is separate from the rest of the jungle biome because it's on the other side of the river. So basically it sticks out like a sore thumb. And even with low render distance, I can see it from about anywhere, cuz it's in a plains area. There's a beautiful ravine near my home as well. It's just all-around quaint.
Also discovered a seemingly perfect biome...
brave
As the seed. Simple, sweet, good to start at I'd say.
I may restart on my world though...cuz I kinda...well...CREEPERS...kinda...pock-marked my landscape and I just lost like, everything. Again. :P
...dunno what Olivier thought by trying to hook me up with an ugly religious guy. Oy vey...
I met a very similar-to-me girl today. She was also an artist who failed at humans and preferred to draw nature pics. She sang (obviously, cuz we were at the college for a choir club), she ALSO was scouting out potential hot guys...which was...honestly pretty amusing to know I wasn't the only one.
Lamictal might be working, not sure. I just want college to start, I feel so...antsy. I don't have anything specific to do...
Might go on a walk in a second, the scent of storm is a blessing and her wind caresses.
I dreamt about....DEXTER SPOILER DON'T READ DON'T READ DON'T READ IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED THE MOST RECENT SEASON IN ITS ENTIRELY (which everyone should cuz dexter is the best show I have ever seen in my LIFE, every single season is AWESOME and makes you NEED the next one. NEED.)
SPOILER
SPOILER
SPOILER
Deb just...observed. Accepted. They made love, she tried to figure things out, was too attracted to him to mind. It was a weird dream. She asked questions, what happened to Doakes and such, how he did it...but mostly just...had fallen for him.
Idk. Dream. <<;
END SPOILER
Also dreamt about tornadoes, which was cool, I love those dreams.
*yawns*...I miss tv. :(
I miss a lot of things I guess. I don't miss driving around in this heat xD I need to get outside, it's getting dark. Adios.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
Boring is Board.
*yawns* Forcing a post. Been in an ok mood today. Migraine though, fucked with my driving ability. Picked up some more ibuprofen and hoping that'll prevent that issue. I hate it when I get like that.
Choir tomorrow.
Choir tomorrow.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
Novocaine.
He's planning the perfect suicide...he cut last night, when not responding to me. He's stuck on a girl who will always hurt him again and I can't change this...
WHY do I like him. It's not fucking worth it, body. I don't care if the chemistry worked. STOP.
I don't care if his scent is sweet and alluring. His eyes are deep, his touches perfectly caring. He doesn't..he...I'm falling for a zombie. He's..already chosen to be dead.
He's so beautiful and sometime soon he'll kill himself and I'll never be the same. w...why did I ever have to meet him.
I dreamt about Derek last night...he gave me another chance...
If Zach goes maybe I can tell Derek and maybe he'll come back to my life...
...bullshit, I know it's a fucking lie...
I hurt so much, make it stop...
WHY do I like him. It's not fucking worth it, body. I don't care if the chemistry worked. STOP.
I don't care if his scent is sweet and alluring. His eyes are deep, his touches perfectly caring. He doesn't..he...I'm falling for a zombie. He's..already chosen to be dead.
He's so beautiful and sometime soon he'll kill himself and I'll never be the same. w...why did I ever have to meet him.
I dreamt about Derek last night...he gave me another chance...
If Zach goes maybe I can tell Derek and maybe he'll come back to my life...
...bullshit, I know it's a fucking lie...
I hurt so much, make it stop...
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
Dear Me
Currently? Mixed. It's aggravating. Maybe I'm manic. Who the hell knows, I want to do things and can only do half. There we go.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
Well, butt out.
I have been doing a lot better than now. I think it's the Wellbutrin withdrawal, since I stopped it. No more extreme angst, but when something triggers a bad mood in me I kinda go into the dark place that harbors suicidal thoughts. It really needs to back the fuck off.
Internet is being a bitch. Takes a good few minutes to realize it has access and slowly allows functions in until it works properly. Occasionally just stops for no reason.
Stressed about life, tired, want it to stop xP
Internet is being a bitch. Takes a good few minutes to realize it has access and slowly allows functions in until it works properly. Occasionally just stops for no reason.
Stressed about life, tired, want it to stop xP
Sunday, July 29, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
Don't forget.
If you hurt someone I am close to, a friend or simply someone I respect, I will be merciless.
That being said. Make sure you get your facts straight beforehand, I do not like making a fool of myself with my bluntness and extreme coldhearted analysis of what I believe are the facts.
Derek's out of my life. Just...not going to go into it. I am unthrilled, I will take months at least to stop myself from saying his name in my head when I hurt and want someone to turn to.
We melted a knife in the oven at work yesterday. Freaked out at a plastic smell, the entire store reeked, then Jess found it and laughed like, "YOU FUCKING TARDS LOL" at my co-worker and I as we removed the metal with tongs and flew outside to dispose of it before our boss came in. No one knows what happened, the knife hasn't been seen in a while, maybe something fell in the oven or something happened near the wall? Who knows. The boss doesn't. That's all that matters.
*yawns* Sticking up for people is a half-and-half for me. I have before been very good when it came to this aspect. But at the same time, sometimes my friends actually were full of shit. Like my ex-best friend. Lost a friend y defending what she told me. But I am so ruthless that once all is said and done there's no turning back.
Got Dean's gf? to block me on fb because I went after her with a fiery spite for her trying to pull the long distance abandon-and-forget-he-existed move. I may be right, maybe she just replied angrily, defending herself and blocking me, because I caught exactly what she was up to.
Seeing how Dean did it to me once, I knew. EXACTLY. What she was doing.
No. Mercy.
If you are my friend, to the point where I feel respect for you, I will take a knife for you. Doesn't mean if I find out you weren't going to be knifed and I took a needless knife, that I won't be pissed. But I will take the knife.
I can be absolutely distant and not talkative about 95% of the time, but when I am needed I am loyal. My anxiety disorder and mood swings do not change that. If you can tolerate my defects enough to see who I truly am and accept me, then when you really need someone, I am there.
That being said. Make sure you get your facts straight beforehand, I do not like making a fool of myself with my bluntness and extreme coldhearted analysis of what I believe are the facts.
Derek's out of my life. Just...not going to go into it. I am unthrilled, I will take months at least to stop myself from saying his name in my head when I hurt and want someone to turn to.
We melted a knife in the oven at work yesterday. Freaked out at a plastic smell, the entire store reeked, then Jess found it and laughed like, "YOU FUCKING TARDS LOL" at my co-worker and I as we removed the metal with tongs and flew outside to dispose of it before our boss came in. No one knows what happened, the knife hasn't been seen in a while, maybe something fell in the oven or something happened near the wall? Who knows. The boss doesn't. That's all that matters.
*yawns* Sticking up for people is a half-and-half for me. I have before been very good when it came to this aspect. But at the same time, sometimes my friends actually were full of shit. Like my ex-best friend. Lost a friend y defending what she told me. But I am so ruthless that once all is said and done there's no turning back.
Got Dean's gf? to block me on fb because I went after her with a fiery spite for her trying to pull the long distance abandon-and-forget-he-existed move. I may be right, maybe she just replied angrily, defending herself and blocking me, because I caught exactly what she was up to.
Seeing how Dean did it to me once, I knew. EXACTLY. What she was doing.
No. Mercy.
If you are my friend, to the point where I feel respect for you, I will take a knife for you. Doesn't mean if I find out you weren't going to be knifed and I took a needless knife, that I won't be pissed. But I will take the knife.
I can be absolutely distant and not talkative about 95% of the time, but when I am needed I am loyal. My anxiety disorder and mood swings do not change that. If you can tolerate my defects enough to see who I truly am and accept me, then when you really need someone, I am there.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
Mind-fuck. Can't sleep.
I'm...extremely scared right now. Clothes hamper bag in front of door, huddled up on my bed, freaked.
When, at 2:38 AM, you receive a phone call from a restricted number, it's odd. Here's what happened.
"Hello?"
".................."
"Hello?"
"............
"...Okay then, um--"
"Auoooouuuhhnnn"
"What?"
"(incomprehensible quiet words)"
"Hello?"
"Help...me..."
"..Who are you?"
"AHHHuuughhahhhggh..."
.......
The speaking part was confusing but the moans/scream were...so fucking realistic. I'm...freaked. But I dialed the non-emergency police number and they said they couldn't do anything to trace the call...
I just...it...it could have been a prank, it probably was. But fucking damnit, I feel like I just woke up from a nightmare, I'm just...freaked out and scared right now...
---
That's what I put on fb, I was too lazy to retype. The incomprehensible words sounded like, "I need you to help me Christina..." It was a girl, but...I just...
God DAMNIT I'm freaked.
When, at 2:38 AM, you receive a phone call from a restricted number, it's odd. Here's what happened.
"Hello?"
".................."
"Hello?"
"............
"...Okay then, um--"
"Auoooouuuhhnnn"
"What?"
"(incomprehensible quiet words)"
"Hello?"
"Help...me..."
"..Who are you?"
"AHHHuuughhahhhggh..."
.......
The speaking part was confusing but the moans/scream were...so fucking realistic. I'm...freaked. But I dialed the non-emergency police number and they said they couldn't do anything to trace the call...
I just...it...it could have been a prank, it probably was. But fucking damnit, I feel like I just woke up from a nightmare, I'm just...freaked out and scared right now...
---
That's what I put on fb, I was too lazy to retype. The incomprehensible words sounded like, "I need you to help me Christina..." It was a girl, but...I just...
God DAMNIT I'm freaked.
Friday, July 13, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
Man Down.
Internet issues, chest tightness, Derek the Douchebag ignoring the fuck out of me...could it get better?
DayZ refusing to work for me, Morrowind crashing on me, having to close at work tomorrow with my least favorite bitch...
Derek you need to man up and stop being a fucking coward and running from the only damned person who really, really cares just because you wanna repress everything. God damn I hope one day I get you back and way in the future you get permitted to read my blog, so I can watch you wince at how much of an ASSHOLE you were. I'm thinking about asking Alyssa for your address but it'd be so awkward and...and I've...
As much as I hate you right now I don't want to lose you. *sighs* If you'd man up and talk to me...be willing to tolerate a little awkuerdity (my own word; unsure of spelling) , I could AFFORD. TO. HAVE. YOU. VISIT. ME.
I. COULD.
I have about $54.50 in change and far over $100 in dollar bills. But nope, you're a dick and you run.
"ive been frustrated, tired, sick and i take it out on undeserving people"
"Ok, time to catch you up to what has happened to me lately. The internship with the bills didn't happen. So I got depressed, didn't want to talk to pretty much anyone. Add in some family issues, and getting suspended from hockey for two games, I hated life at the time. And I unfortunately think I don't see you in the way you see me, and I hate that i let you down again. I don't deserve you in that way. Thats why I've been reluctant to talk."
*sighs*...quotes...from the past week or two...
I don't get you you damnable fuckwad. I'm so tired of the damned excuses. All of them I understand but god DAMNIT now you're PURPOSEFULLY IGNORING ME. I want you to hurt like I am right now. Karma, have your way with him. Knock some god damned sense into that boy...
Idc if I spam his phone, I don't care anymore. I am far more than patient. WITH HIM. JUST. HIM.
I'd rather sleep in a room of yellowjackets than lose you...
Because god damnit you're one of few real people with a good heart out there...stop making this so hard...man up...
DayZ refusing to work for me, Morrowind crashing on me, having to close at work tomorrow with my least favorite bitch...
Derek you need to man up and stop being a fucking coward and running from the only damned person who really, really cares just because you wanna repress everything. God damn I hope one day I get you back and way in the future you get permitted to read my blog, so I can watch you wince at how much of an ASSHOLE you were. I'm thinking about asking Alyssa for your address but it'd be so awkward and...and I've...
As much as I hate you right now I don't want to lose you. *sighs* If you'd man up and talk to me...be willing to tolerate a little awkuerdity (my own word; unsure of spelling) , I could AFFORD. TO. HAVE. YOU. VISIT. ME.
I. COULD.
I have about $54.50 in change and far over $100 in dollar bills. But nope, you're a dick and you run.
"ive been frustrated, tired, sick and i take it out on undeserving people"
"Ok, time to catch you up to what has happened to me lately. The internship with the bills didn't happen. So I got depressed, didn't want to talk to pretty much anyone. Add in some family issues, and getting suspended from hockey for two games, I hated life at the time. And I unfortunately think I don't see you in the way you see me, and I hate that i let you down again. I don't deserve you in that way. Thats why I've been reluctant to talk."
*sighs*...quotes...from the past week or two...
I don't get you you damnable fuckwad. I'm so tired of the damned excuses. All of them I understand but god DAMNIT now you're PURPOSEFULLY IGNORING ME. I want you to hurt like I am right now. Karma, have your way with him. Knock some god damned sense into that boy...
Idc if I spam his phone, I don't care anymore. I am far more than patient. WITH HIM. JUST. HIM.
I'd rather sleep in a room of yellowjackets than lose you...
Because god damnit you're one of few real people with a good heart out there...stop making this so hard...man up...
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
Suicidal Terrified.
Wellbutrin obviously doesn't do much for me now...suicidal...
No desire to wake Dean. No one I have real feelings for cares atm. So I'm stuck with a knot in my throat and nausea at my chest...
Doxylamine...300 mg might fuck with me...At this point I just don't care...I don't feel I have anything to live for anymore...all I do is disappoint people...Derek won't respond...never would...I might vomit...
Derek..could stop me...he could stop me, but he won't...my mind doesn't give a shit what other people say...I might curl up on the floor now...
I'm so alone...sometimes I wish my heart would stop beating...
I want love...
I might hurt myself. My body says it's a good idea right now...wanna slice my thigh open but the pain makes me cringe...I just want to bleed a little...
I am not sane right now but this is literally how my mind is thinking...such a dark place...empty...quiet...only has a want for self-hurt...only...
No desire to wake Dean. No one I have real feelings for cares atm. So I'm stuck with a knot in my throat and nausea at my chest...
Doxylamine...300 mg might fuck with me...At this point I just don't care...I don't feel I have anything to live for anymore...all I do is disappoint people...Derek won't respond...never would...I might vomit...
Derek..could stop me...he could stop me, but he won't...my mind doesn't give a shit what other people say...I might curl up on the floor now...
I'm so alone...sometimes I wish my heart would stop beating...
I want love...
I might hurt myself. My body says it's a good idea right now...wanna slice my thigh open but the pain makes me cringe...I just want to bleed a little...
I am not sane right now but this is literally how my mind is thinking...such a dark place...empty...quiet...only has a want for self-hurt...only...
Sunday, July 8, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
Realization
I hope that you're unhappy
Hiding there with a plain face
Smile for the fucking world
Feel the pain fester
Shove away the other person who knows
There's something more there
Why do you ALWAYS hide
I don't care about the fucking mask-hidden truth
But you do
You ALWAYS do
And you will continue to hurt the people who care
Even if I was there
You'd hide until it erupted
You don't even give me a chance
I give you a thousand chances
Play happy
I don't care
No, I do
I care far too damn much
Because I love the person I know is there
But this mask can go to hell
You-masque needs to go to hell
Burn, simmer
Every day I do
Because I don't know what to do with you
Wait? Hope?
What hope?
What hope is there when you hide?
If you wear a pair of glasses too long it leaves an indent
If you wear a mask for too long you face takes shape
Take.
It.
Off.
You're a douchebag, you know that?
Not you
Youmasque, always, always does this
I would not care
If I hurt
Every day of my life
If you were in it, a part of it, and I carried your pain
Because no one else carries your pain
You let people know some but no one fully knows you
You fucking admitted that
I'm different
I know
Oh god do I know
But so are you
In a good way
I see it now
It took me so long
My mom saw it
Now I see it
But no, you have decided to take the easy way
You call it losing but you're just quitting
Tossing this game
Well, this game keeps coming back
In your mind so you always retrieve it
Now I'm in a closet and maybe you'll retrieve me again
Maybe
Maybe not
Maybe you're just a horrible person
Maybe you decided to become the guy you've been pretending to be to make life easier
And if that's so then I don't want you in my life anymore you stupid fuck
I could
Have given up
LONG. AGO.
I give up
On a lot
I hide myself
A lot
But only around some.
I am me, plain and simple
And I know you, plain and simple
Not what makes you but your whole
That empty hole
Is there, junk will never stay there permanently
Stop shoving me away
Eventually you'll realize
Maybe too late
Maybe I'm wrong, maybe you really are an ass
But damnit if I don't believe that in my heart
But god damn you if you have decided to become an assfuck
There's...
Something about you that neutralizes me.
I am...I am inconstant...
I am always changing...
From one mood to the next...
Swinging highs and lows...
And you were there to catch me, always there
That goofy grin and the stupid little things you'd say
That would seem so foolish at the time
Smile for me
It's been...a very long time
I think I'm the only one who will ever say it now
But it's something I've taken to heart
I've...taken you to heart...
And not on purpose
God, no, not on purpose
I have had plenty of suitors
Plenty
None of them were rejected because of you
They were rejected by me, by myself, because myself knew
Don't flatter yourself.
You have your flaws.
You repress.
You refuse to let it out and don't want to hear the sad truths of the past.
Your sanity is on the line and I know it.
If I could trust you
DAMNIT if I could trust you
I would part ways with you for...a year, maybe more...
If you'd come back to me
Give me a chance
But I'm lucky to even get a response from you nowadays
You've made several assurances before, and broken my trust a thousandfold
And yet, unlike a sane person I've accepted every excuse you've ever thrown at me.
Why?
Because it's all true and I know it.
You know my Aunt told me you're just a guy.
Just another guy who is telling shit and using me, using a pretty girl, fooling her
That if you actually had an interest in me, you'd pay to see me, you'd make it work no matter what
If I were any other girl
I might. Fucking. Believe her.
But nope.
I'm stupid, or so it seems.
I trust you. I understand you.
Money, life, work. Everything.
And you know what? Though it's always a problem, I fucking deal.
I tolerate it.
I don't give up on you.
But you?
You.
Take life.
Out on me.
ME.
The girl you used to adore.
The one girl in this world that might actually care about you more than you care about yourself.
You make me whole.
You make the bad thoughts go away.
You never trigger mood swings.
EVER.
Do you realize.
How near impossible that is.
For a guy NOT to trigger my mood swings
AND have me be actually interested in them
The former isn't common, and the latter is near impossible.
You're amazing, Derek
Absolutely amazing in every way...
If only you'd just...see it like a part of me sees it...
You're a goofy, funny guy...
Your smile is comforting, your personality caring
You're silly but serious at the same time
You know when it's the right time to be serious...
You're still foreign to me...
You hide so much...but every new thing I learn makes me smile
You don't have to drink to have fun...
Which is amazing...but...
Might...be part of...why you have so much trouble handling life...
You're on your own...
You won't let me in...no matter how much I beg
I plead for you to trust me...to yell, scream
Place a bag on my head with your angers drawn upon it
And use me as a punching bag
I'd take it because you're one of the most deserving people
I know
Who has yet to truly have someone like that in their life yet...
Don't...EVER...
Tell me not to care again...
That is like saying
Watch this animal roast in the sun
As you hold shade and water
I can't
You are amazing
You deserve so much
I want to run up to you
And tackle-hug you to the ground
And scream in your ear
"YOU ARE AMAZING"
As loud as I can
Pray you don't fall over
And know that if you did
You'd make sure I wouldn't hit the ground with you...
Hiding there with a plain face
Smile for the fucking world
Feel the pain fester
Shove away the other person who knows
There's something more there
Why do you ALWAYS hide
I don't care about the fucking mask-hidden truth
But you do
You ALWAYS do
And you will continue to hurt the people who care
Even if I was there
You'd hide until it erupted
You don't even give me a chance
I give you a thousand chances
Play happy
I don't care
No, I do
I care far too damn much
Because I love the person I know is there
But this mask can go to hell
You-masque needs to go to hell
Burn, simmer
Every day I do
Because I don't know what to do with you
Wait? Hope?
What hope?
What hope is there when you hide?
If you wear a pair of glasses too long it leaves an indent
If you wear a mask for too long you face takes shape
Take.
It.
Off.
You're a douchebag, you know that?
Not you
Youmasque, always, always does this
I would not care
If I hurt
Every day of my life
If you were in it, a part of it, and I carried your pain
Because no one else carries your pain
You let people know some but no one fully knows you
You fucking admitted that
I'm different
I know
Oh god do I know
But so are you
In a good way
I see it now
It took me so long
My mom saw it
Now I see it
But no, you have decided to take the easy way
You call it losing but you're just quitting
Tossing this game
Well, this game keeps coming back
In your mind so you always retrieve it
Now I'm in a closet and maybe you'll retrieve me again
Maybe
Maybe not
Maybe you're just a horrible person
Maybe you decided to become the guy you've been pretending to be to make life easier
And if that's so then I don't want you in my life anymore you stupid fuck
I could
Have given up
LONG. AGO.
I give up
On a lot
I hide myself
A lot
But only around some.
I am me, plain and simple
And I know you, plain and simple
Not what makes you but your whole
That empty hole
Is there, junk will never stay there permanently
Stop shoving me away
Eventually you'll realize
Maybe too late
Maybe I'm wrong, maybe you really are an ass
But damnit if I don't believe that in my heart
But god damn you if you have decided to become an assfuck
There's...
Something about you that neutralizes me.
I am...I am inconstant...
I am always changing...
From one mood to the next...
Swinging highs and lows...
And you were there to catch me, always there
That goofy grin and the stupid little things you'd say
That would seem so foolish at the time
Smile for me
It's been...a very long time
I think I'm the only one who will ever say it now
But it's something I've taken to heart
I've...taken you to heart...
And not on purpose
God, no, not on purpose
I have had plenty of suitors
Plenty
None of them were rejected because of you
They were rejected by me, by myself, because myself knew
Don't flatter yourself.
You have your flaws.
You repress.
You refuse to let it out and don't want to hear the sad truths of the past.
Your sanity is on the line and I know it.
If I could trust you
DAMNIT if I could trust you
I would part ways with you for...a year, maybe more...
If you'd come back to me
Give me a chance
But I'm lucky to even get a response from you nowadays
You've made several assurances before, and broken my trust a thousandfold
And yet, unlike a sane person I've accepted every excuse you've ever thrown at me.
Why?
Because it's all true and I know it.
You know my Aunt told me you're just a guy.
Just another guy who is telling shit and using me, using a pretty girl, fooling her
That if you actually had an interest in me, you'd pay to see me, you'd make it work no matter what
If I were any other girl
I might. Fucking. Believe her.
But nope.
I'm stupid, or so it seems.
I trust you. I understand you.
Money, life, work. Everything.
And you know what? Though it's always a problem, I fucking deal.
I tolerate it.
I don't give up on you.
But you?
You.
Take life.
Out on me.
ME.
The girl you used to adore.
The one girl in this world that might actually care about you more than you care about yourself.
You make me whole.
You make the bad thoughts go away.
You never trigger mood swings.
EVER.
Do you realize.
How near impossible that is.
For a guy NOT to trigger my mood swings
AND have me be actually interested in them
The former isn't common, and the latter is near impossible.
You're amazing, Derek
Absolutely amazing in every way...
If only you'd just...see it like a part of me sees it...
You're a goofy, funny guy...
Your smile is comforting, your personality caring
You're silly but serious at the same time
You know when it's the right time to be serious...
You're still foreign to me...
You hide so much...but every new thing I learn makes me smile
You don't have to drink to have fun...
Which is amazing...but...
Might...be part of...why you have so much trouble handling life...
You're on your own...
You won't let me in...no matter how much I beg
I plead for you to trust me...to yell, scream
Place a bag on my head with your angers drawn upon it
And use me as a punching bag
I'd take it because you're one of the most deserving people
I know
Who has yet to truly have someone like that in their life yet...
Don't...EVER...
Tell me not to care again...
That is like saying
Watch this animal roast in the sun
As you hold shade and water
I can't
You are amazing
You deserve so much
I want to run up to you
And tackle-hug you to the ground
And scream in your ear
"YOU ARE AMAZING"
As loud as I can
Pray you don't fall over
And know that if you did
You'd make sure I wouldn't hit the ground with you...
Cat-Knack.
Derek, you give me a freaking headache, fuck you. All I do is care. Offer to be there. What do I get?
I get to watch you joke around with your friends on facebook while you said maybe you'll get back to me on Monday. Fuck you. If I didn't remember how I felt for you when I bought it, I'd rip up this $2 card and my sketch of Iamme...
Yes, it's a silly card. But it's Derek. Crummy, hang in there, all things that sound like what he'd say. It was perfect. Not relating to love because I know he's repressing stuff, just...friendly...
Won't give me his address, just...
I am...exhausted...
I love him, but I hate who he is right now. I just...I hate it.
And...now my grandma is telling me I should sit outside. This means, sit outside in the next 15 minutes or I'll get naggy. Lovely.
*sighs*...
Went on my first -real- date, nothing makeshift, and was actually asked. Wasn't majorly into the guy (I've dealt with ADHD before, it's...well, even minute ADHD + my mood disorders = frustration and mood swings), but he was nice. He bought me dinner, we went to see a movie (Ted)...
Derek...why do you have to be a fucking jackass...I have enough in fucking tips from work to go see you, but do you listen? Do you even fucking CARE? Nope. Doesn't matter anymore. I don't matter. Delete all traces of me.
I'm in such a rotten mood...it's all his fucking fault for being a douchebag...
Friday, June 29, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
In My Little Bubble.
I've read up and Wellbutrin appears to have a Honeymoon Effect, and I'm truly hopeful it isn't the case with me. I want to keep feeling like this. Feeling willing and actually ABLE. A-B-L-E. That is a new word for me.
I feel brilliant. Physically.
My aunt and grandparents wouldn't believe it was the meds, meh.
Posted this on fb,
"I have so much that I have to and WANT to do...no one believes how badly I want to feel differently...no one. :/ Why can't I feel normal, why does nothing fix this."
My aunt replied,
"Its not that people dont "want to accept" that youre not lazy... They form opinions based on what they see. Unfortunately, those opinions may be based on only part of the whole story... but at the end of the day Actions speak Louder than Words. Too many people promise the world, and then go ahead and do whatever they want. Instead of making excuses for themselves and getting mad... if they just DID something about it... maybe people would change their opinions. I may not like people's criticisms of me... buti have to be honest and admit that if I come across a certain way, there might be "some" truth to it. :("
:/
I fucking hate this side of my family. That is how they do everything, they condescend me and say they know I'm just being lazy and such in hidden ways, getting people to think I'm full of it...
Bah.
I feel brilliant. Physically.
My aunt and grandparents wouldn't believe it was the meds, meh.
Posted this on fb,
"I have so much that I have to and WANT to do...no one believes how badly I want to feel differently...no one. :/ Why can't I feel normal, why does nothing fix this."
My aunt replied,
"Its not that people dont "want to accept" that youre not lazy... They form opinions based on what they see. Unfortunately, those opinions may be based on only part of the whole story... but at the end of the day Actions speak Louder than Words. Too many people promise the world, and then go ahead and do whatever they want. Instead of making excuses for themselves and getting mad... if they just DID something about it... maybe people would change their opinions. I may not like people's criticisms of me... buti have to be honest and admit that if I come across a certain way, there might be "some" truth to it. :("
:/
I fucking hate this side of my family. That is how they do everything, they condescend me and say they know I'm just being lazy and such in hidden ways, getting people to think I'm full of it...
Bah.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
Boing Boing Boing.
nmcmfnjzmfmcndhh
I have energy.
Started on Wellbutrin today. Wheeeeeeeeee...I'm in a neutral mood but I have fucking ENERGY. And energy to fuck, but that's irrelevant at the moment.
Took a melatonin so my mind can slow the fuck down. I got stressed at work but maintained a...tolerating mood most of the day, no break downs, it was...I dunno.
Got either a migraine aura or...something in the middle of the day though, it's still lingering. F'ed with my speech and thought process, but it's a familiar thing.
*yawns*...Yeah...I dunno. I literally feel lifted, my body is lifted, manic, not entirely but it's...it's a good thing. I can do shit. I'm literally being lazy right now cuz I COULD do my job applications but am just being a lazy-ass. When before it was for other reasons. Also, I'm still out-of-it...
Fuck my aunt. She replied to a fb status I made saying discreetly that I WAS lazy, the status asking no one in particular why people can't accept that I didn't have a choice in the matter when my mood got like it was. She has never fucking been in my body, she has never fucking felt what I have and can fuck off and go to hell.
My mind's going, so this is its final word:
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I have energy.
Started on Wellbutrin today. Wheeeeeeeeee...I'm in a neutral mood but I have fucking ENERGY. And energy to fuck, but that's irrelevant at the moment.
Took a melatonin so my mind can slow the fuck down. I got stressed at work but maintained a...tolerating mood most of the day, no break downs, it was...I dunno.
Got either a migraine aura or...something in the middle of the day though, it's still lingering. F'ed with my speech and thought process, but it's a familiar thing.
*yawns*...Yeah...I dunno. I literally feel lifted, my body is lifted, manic, not entirely but it's...it's a good thing. I can do shit. I'm literally being lazy right now cuz I COULD do my job applications but am just being a lazy-ass. When before it was for other reasons. Also, I'm still out-of-it...
Fuck my aunt. She replied to a fb status I made saying discreetly that I WAS lazy, the status asking no one in particular why people can't accept that I didn't have a choice in the matter when my mood got like it was. She has never fucking been in my body, she has never fucking felt what I have and can fuck off and go to hell.
My mind's going, so this is its final word:
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
Feeling the Mania.
My mania is best manifested in song obsessions.
There was a girl at school who was obsessed with Simple Plan for a few years...then they started her on Lithium and she normalized.
Music-fixations seem to be the key for identifying manic states. Currently obsessed with the song, "I Woke Up In A Car" by Something Corporate. Nice song, but not breathtaking, just...it is.
Maybe I should watch through Wolf's Rain, might mellow me, it always did in the past. But it'll also remind me of my love...who doesn't return my feelings...
I bought him a card.
(front)
(photo of charlie brown, snoopy, and woodstock watching a tv)
Wouldn't it be nice
if life were like a DVD...
(inside)
And you could fast-forward
through crummy times!
(same photo with them all smiling)
Hang In There!
Derek is....goofy. It just suited him, the wording did, so I bought it...I started a sketch of Iamme. Let my sub-conscience decide earlier what her symbol for Derek was. A necklace. Not uncommon for her, but she decided on a dark grey thread around her neck with a tiny gold jingle bell. Really Iamme? I'm gonna have to rip the jingle out of it. This is so not your or my style! Maybe Derek's style...
Maybe Derek's -.-
Trying very hard to get Con to join Hidden. Or Jed, but Jed isn't as responsive :x And I'm shyer around him, probably due to the lessened age difference and he's an internet celebrity. I'm always meekened around them. Yes, meekened.
Found Buncha Crunch at the Dollar Tree muthafuckas. Stuff hasn't been sold since my Michigan years, I find it without even trying in the last place I expected. Om nom.
My only male co-worker at the moment has noooo interest in my whatsoever. Not that I care, he's not my type...he's kind-of an ass, one of the guys who doesn't believe in hormones...but still. I like being able to flirt and use my...well, myself to get what I want. Nothing special, just more to lessen tensions.
Gonna get Pokemon Conquest tomorrow, it was sold out today <<; Now I'm curious. IT HAS ARTICUNO, AND DRAGONAIR. Muthafuckas.
Only thing it lacks is Ho-oh.
Grandma's fucking hell, kinda like a wasp. Stings whenever, you never know when. You can just be walking along, and BAM, stung.
Work's unpleasant. People don't care I exist, I alienate myself...always...:/
Guys online always say they don't believe I scare guys off irl. They don't realize how much of a freak I am...not at first, but...Idk. I...people don't like sticking around in my life, I confuse them...
It's true on Hidden too...I get a few friends and the rest realize I'm odd and kinda...tolerate and then grow to dislike...meh...
Derek's been showing up more though at least...got to work and got a text from him...I'd told him a random text from him might make my night...he replied and said he was flattered...
I kinda fell back against the wall and smiled so wide I looked...so foolish, but I was taken aback and just felt wonderful.
---
Thankfully blogger saves drafts, I closed this last night, lol.
There was a girl at school who was obsessed with Simple Plan for a few years...then they started her on Lithium and she normalized.
Music-fixations seem to be the key for identifying manic states. Currently obsessed with the song, "I Woke Up In A Car" by Something Corporate. Nice song, but not breathtaking, just...it is.
Maybe I should watch through Wolf's Rain, might mellow me, it always did in the past. But it'll also remind me of my love...who doesn't return my feelings...
I bought him a card.
(front)
(photo of charlie brown, snoopy, and woodstock watching a tv)
Wouldn't it be nice
if life were like a DVD...
(inside)
And you could fast-forward
through crummy times!
(same photo with them all smiling)
Hang In There!
Derek is....goofy. It just suited him, the wording did, so I bought it...I started a sketch of Iamme. Let my sub-conscience decide earlier what her symbol for Derek was. A necklace. Not uncommon for her, but she decided on a dark grey thread around her neck with a tiny gold jingle bell. Really Iamme? I'm gonna have to rip the jingle out of it. This is so not your or my style! Maybe Derek's style...
Maybe Derek's -.-
Trying very hard to get Con to join Hidden. Or Jed, but Jed isn't as responsive :x And I'm shyer around him, probably due to the lessened age difference and he's an internet celebrity. I'm always meekened around them. Yes, meekened.
Found Buncha Crunch at the Dollar Tree muthafuckas. Stuff hasn't been sold since my Michigan years, I find it without even trying in the last place I expected. Om nom.
My only male co-worker at the moment has noooo interest in my whatsoever. Not that I care, he's not my type...he's kind-of an ass, one of the guys who doesn't believe in hormones...but still. I like being able to flirt and use my...well, myself to get what I want. Nothing special, just more to lessen tensions.
Gonna get Pokemon Conquest tomorrow, it was sold out today <<; Now I'm curious. IT HAS ARTICUNO, AND DRAGONAIR. Muthafuckas.
Only thing it lacks is Ho-oh.
Grandma's fucking hell, kinda like a wasp. Stings whenever, you never know when. You can just be walking along, and BAM, stung.
Work's unpleasant. People don't care I exist, I alienate myself...always...:/
Guys online always say they don't believe I scare guys off irl. They don't realize how much of a freak I am...not at first, but...Idk. I...people don't like sticking around in my life, I confuse them...
It's true on Hidden too...I get a few friends and the rest realize I'm odd and kinda...tolerate and then grow to dislike...meh...
Derek's been showing up more though at least...got to work and got a text from him...I'd told him a random text from him might make my night...he replied and said he was flattered...
I kinda fell back against the wall and smiled so wide I looked...so foolish, but I was taken aback and just felt wonderful.
---
Thankfully blogger saves drafts, I closed this last night, lol.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
Never Gonna Give...
Pic unrelated but from the same game.
Now I'm just stressed...
Boss tried to get me to come into work today. My first day off in over a week. :/ I lied and said I had to go to church and couldn't. Then he asked me to stay 2 hours later tomorrow, 12-7 now...meh.
I think Derek's reverting...slowly...not time-wise, but...meh, my ex is convinced he really does like me even if he represses and hides it...
Got to play with Kilplix the other night...was boring. If he said anything it was only over his livestream. He was nothing special. He really does edit out all his fails in his videos...
Too stressed to tolerate existence right now, I just want to curl up with Derek...I really..really hope one day I can...
Saturday, June 23, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
Hatred and Spite.
:( I just washed my hair! It looks like a bird's nest. And I can say this, because I OWN a bird's nest and am very aware of how one looks. xD This is what the heat and humidity does to my hair~
Watching Legend of Korra, FINALLY found a link to the finale episodes cuz I can't exactly watch tv in this house. Such an amazing series, good for the whole family~
...sigh, I miss Derek. And don't want to work today, because work is fucking insane. Because my boss is a fucking prick-ass piece of shit who has major biases and treats people like fucking pawns.
"Daniel's good, Christina's ok, Ashley's amazing!" he told a new employee. :/
Fucking...
Hate.
Watching Legend of Korra, FINALLY found a link to the finale episodes cuz I can't exactly watch tv in this house. Such an amazing series, good for the whole family~
...sigh, I miss Derek. And don't want to work today, because work is fucking insane. Because my boss is a fucking prick-ass piece of shit who has major biases and treats people like fucking pawns.
"Daniel's good, Christina's ok, Ashley's amazing!" he told a new employee. :/
Fucking...
Hate.
Monday, June 18, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
Through My Atmosphere.
So I've been manic for a good week now I'd say. Maybe 4 days, but those days lasted twice as long as regular days because my mind is twice as fast.
Unfortunately, I'm in PMS mania. Which means:
- Mania--- Speedy, intrusive thoughts
--- Desire to get shit done
--- Want to talk to people
--- Desire to sit down with my grandparents, figure out my life, finish stuff finally
- PMS (specific to myself, as it varies for all girls)
--- The intrusive thoughts over-analyze mistakes I've made in my life and thinking up conversations and things I could do to explain things to people. For hours. At any time, especially before bed.
--- My desire is also plagued with stress, tensing my chest and making me twitchy and overly-driven
--- Hate people with a fiery passion except for a select few that can actually get under my skin enough to soothe my burning internal loathing (not getting under my skin in a bad way)
--- Entire body is tensed up and mind is tethered painfully towards spite and malice, making me want to be away from the god damned fucking world
As you can see, PMS mania sucks. Mania's fine. It can be really bothersome sometimes, but is more often than not a good break from depression and mixed states.
Life is unpleasant. I can't please everyone.
Money went missing at work the other day. I -KNOW- it wasn't me. KNOW. KNOW KNOW KNOW I didn't give out the wrong change. But either way if they can't find it I'll have to pay my boss $20. Fuck.
Then last night the girl I closed with, though one of the few people who gets under my skin as I explained before, was...so slow. Subway closed at 9. I worked from 3 to 10:05 and STILL didn't finish everything I had to do. But the fact I didn't get a call from my manager when she opened up in the morning, is good. Not getting spoken to, not getting called, is good news.
Derek finally spoke to me again...been 5 days but he did. I keep nearly losing hope but something never lets me give up on him, and he keeps proving why that little thread is there. His life has gone to shit as well. If...if I could only afford to meet him...even one day...
I'd just sit with him, maybe talk a little, but mostly just hold him...maybe give him a massage that I KNOW he needs more than anything right now, he's been through way too much shit.
My pms-side has been someone let loose and permitted her vent, so now my mania wants me to look at the good side.
Let's see...umm...for the first time had someone comforting me not be minded. I was blamed for doing stuff wrong at work the night before a few days ago (which i DIDN'T, there were customers non-stop for 2 STRAIGHT HOURS and the guy i worked with did NOT blame me, he understood 100%), got fucking lied to and threatened with my job until I cried. Then that girl who I worked with last night, her name's Sam, was there that day too. She saw me about to...break down...followed me. She's a bit naïve, a little inexperienced, but she's got a good heart...she asked what happened, gave me a hug, reassured me. She's kind-of like a little puppy; easily taught, slow but listens, always there to comfort and understand...
Starting to stress myself out, dinner soon, probably will be berated for doing something wrong as per usual, already have been several times today. Chest tightness returning, meh...I miss buspirone. It was my fucking miracle drug...
Unfortunately, I'm in PMS mania. Which means:
- Mania--- Speedy, intrusive thoughts
--- Desire to get shit done
--- Want to talk to people
--- Desire to sit down with my grandparents, figure out my life, finish stuff finally
- PMS (specific to myself, as it varies for all girls)
--- The intrusive thoughts over-analyze mistakes I've made in my life and thinking up conversations and things I could do to explain things to people. For hours. At any time, especially before bed.
--- My desire is also plagued with stress, tensing my chest and making me twitchy and overly-driven
--- Hate people with a fiery passion except for a select few that can actually get under my skin enough to soothe my burning internal loathing (not getting under my skin in a bad way)
--- Entire body is tensed up and mind is tethered painfully towards spite and malice, making me want to be away from the god damned fucking world
As you can see, PMS mania sucks. Mania's fine. It can be really bothersome sometimes, but is more often than not a good break from depression and mixed states.
Life is unpleasant. I can't please everyone.
Money went missing at work the other day. I -KNOW- it wasn't me. KNOW. KNOW KNOW KNOW I didn't give out the wrong change. But either way if they can't find it I'll have to pay my boss $20. Fuck.
Then last night the girl I closed with, though one of the few people who gets under my skin as I explained before, was...so slow. Subway closed at 9. I worked from 3 to 10:05 and STILL didn't finish everything I had to do. But the fact I didn't get a call from my manager when she opened up in the morning, is good. Not getting spoken to, not getting called, is good news.
Derek finally spoke to me again...been 5 days but he did. I keep nearly losing hope but something never lets me give up on him, and he keeps proving why that little thread is there. His life has gone to shit as well. If...if I could only afford to meet him...even one day...
I'd just sit with him, maybe talk a little, but mostly just hold him...maybe give him a massage that I KNOW he needs more than anything right now, he's been through way too much shit.
My pms-side has been someone let loose and permitted her vent, so now my mania wants me to look at the good side.
Let's see...umm...for the first time had someone comforting me not be minded. I was blamed for doing stuff wrong at work the night before a few days ago (which i DIDN'T, there were customers non-stop for 2 STRAIGHT HOURS and the guy i worked with did NOT blame me, he understood 100%), got fucking lied to and threatened with my job until I cried. Then that girl who I worked with last night, her name's Sam, was there that day too. She saw me about to...break down...followed me. She's a bit naïve, a little inexperienced, but she's got a good heart...she asked what happened, gave me a hug, reassured me. She's kind-of like a little puppy; easily taught, slow but listens, always there to comfort and understand...
Starting to stress myself out, dinner soon, probably will be berated for doing something wrong as per usual, already have been several times today. Chest tightness returning, meh...I miss buspirone. It was my fucking miracle drug...
Monday, June 11, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
Boring Song I Made.
You came into my life and now I don't want you to go...
When you come around my eyes light up like summer's glow
You may not have chosen to, but still, you stole my heart
Only if you trust me can we finish what we start
It seems to me my dreams are telling me to run towards you
Despite the troubles gripping me, and tearing apart you,
And so I keep on going even with the silence growing
For I can never rest without seeing, without knowing
(oh-o-oh)
The truth is in the sky
(oh-o-oh)
Whether ride or whether fly
(oh-o-oh)
The truth is in the sky
We share the same moon,
We can get by
All I've ever heard has been your voice within my ear
Words spoken through fingertips that cradle and hold dear
But now your hope is fading and your life is solely wading
Through the dark of hurt and loss, and now you're just debating
(chorus)
Don't give up
Take a chance
Throw back life
Change your stance
The truth is in the sky
In my dreams and in my heart
The truth is, I must try
Because I know you are the one
The truth is in the sky
I can't give up until I die
The truth is in the sky
The truth is in the sky
You came into my life and now I know I can't let go...
---
And my sad attempts at writing the notes out so I don't forget (cuz i will), using my perfect pitch as a key. (a.k.a. memorizing a C note and using that as a reference to find other notes)
D-F-E-D-E-F-E-D-E-F-E-D-E-F
D-E-F-E-D-E-F-E-D-E-F-E-D-E-F
G-F-E-F-G-F-E-F-G-F-E-F-G
G-A-G-A-G-A-G-A-C-A-G-A-G
A-B-G
F-D-B-F-G-A
A-B-G
F-F-D-B-F-G-A
JUST A GENERAL idea. I know, it's soooo boring.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
Save You. (a poem)
I could stare into your eyes forever
Lost in their beautiful hue
This genuine look within them
Silken and true
Silken and true
You're broken, aren't we all?
Everyone's unique
Everyone's unique
But you're still my other piece
Something about you is good for me
It only hurts that fate denies us
But fate is only entropy
And entropy is nothing if not unpredictable
Be the Jim to my Pam
Be the Jim to my Pam
It hurts now
It won't always
Don't give up, I won't let you
You break my heart with your silence
You break my heart with your silence
It feels eternal
Every minute an hour
Every heartbeat craving your return
Unsure if it'll be the next minute or the next month
As you've been known to disappear
Until I try
And try
Because I can't give up
I hurt you so badly
But you were still there
Down on my luck, I spoke to you
And you asked how anyone could reject
A beautiful, smart, amazing girl like me
Or some other terms like those
And I just melted in your hands again
But I guess it couldn't work still
You're kind-of an enigma
But only because of the entropy of your life
Constantly putting you down
I want to hold you
Be the crutch for you
The glue to hold you together
And the person you can maybe, one day...
Open up to?
I looked back
I looked back
As memories are quite flawed
And you didn't give up, you kept trying
You were the one who had hope
But now you don't
I'm not going to let you give up
Because I love you
Even if you can't feel that way for me
Anytime soon
You may not remember it now
But you said it once
You need to meet me
To know what you're waiting for
What's here
We both know one another is true
But we need to see to believe
The reality of this
You are the guy
I'm done looking
Looking at you
Makes me smile
Makes me feel like I have something to look forward to
You
We used to kiss
Cuddle
Remember?
I taught you to speak in actions
And you felt it
And I was so glad
And it felt so nice
But you grow distant now...
I'll still try...
Maybe you do feel something...
Maybe...
Smile for me...
You haven't said it for a year now...
But I'll always remember it...
Because it always worked...
You always saved me from myself...
Now I need to save you...
Black Water.
Oh Derek :)
Let's see how much of my vivid, partially-lucid dream I can actually write down. Thank you, Prozac, for the vivid dreaming and giving me partial control of them a few hours after taking you :)
Was still trying to get in contact with Derek, like I have been irl...he posted from a friend's account somewhere, and all his friends started talking to him, including me. I tried to hide my feelings for him to seem like just another friend. He seemed a little down, but also like a goof. His friends told funny stories about him and said silly things.
After a while he and I got to talking because he added me on his friend's fb and were gonna talk through it. (it's a dream; logging onto his own fb is not dream-logic, sorry)
But then the dream shifted and I was sitting on a platform waiting to talk to him. (i recognized the memories my dream used; it was my elementary school playground's large field) I was looking at the sky, then looked and saw his friend, and occasionally him by his side. His friend eventually pointed to me and they walked over...
He was limping with his left leg. I don't know if his knee injury was in his left leg or right, but my dream just took a wild guess, and I kinda give kudos to my dream to taking in the fact he's hurt right now. He limped over and he had this...big-ass grin on his face and just sat down next to me. My heart kinda soared, and I just lied by him...
Then I woke up. But the image in my head is very vivid. I'm going to draw it quick. It was a...really nice scene.
Mmk, HORRIBLE gesture drawing, but got my mind's image into an illustration with a labelled memory on the back of the paper.
I miss him, even if he won't miss me for a LONG time.
Let's see how much of my vivid, partially-lucid dream I can actually write down. Thank you, Prozac, for the vivid dreaming and giving me partial control of them a few hours after taking you :)
Was still trying to get in contact with Derek, like I have been irl...he posted from a friend's account somewhere, and all his friends started talking to him, including me. I tried to hide my feelings for him to seem like just another friend. He seemed a little down, but also like a goof. His friends told funny stories about him and said silly things.
After a while he and I got to talking because he added me on his friend's fb and were gonna talk through it. (it's a dream; logging onto his own fb is not dream-logic, sorry)
But then the dream shifted and I was sitting on a platform waiting to talk to him. (i recognized the memories my dream used; it was my elementary school playground's large field) I was looking at the sky, then looked and saw his friend, and occasionally him by his side. His friend eventually pointed to me and they walked over...
He was limping with his left leg. I don't know if his knee injury was in his left leg or right, but my dream just took a wild guess, and I kinda give kudos to my dream to taking in the fact he's hurt right now. He limped over and he had this...big-ass grin on his face and just sat down next to me. My heart kinda soared, and I just lied by him...
Then I woke up. But the image in my head is very vivid. I'm going to draw it quick. It was a...really nice scene.
Mmk, HORRIBLE gesture drawing, but got my mind's image into an illustration with a labelled memory on the back of the paper.
I miss him, even if he won't miss me for a LONG time.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
And an Orange too.
It's sad that my grandma is either too proud or too ignorant to accept, she caught my flu.
Telling me, "I don't believe you have anything contagious", a week or so ago. 10 days later? She's ill with a slight fever (she says she had none, that a 2 degree rise wasn't one, it was coincidence), chills, aches, and simple exhaustion. Now she had a headache. JUST LIKE I DID. That hurts when she coughed. JUST LIKE WHEN I DID.
=.=
If she could fucking let go of her pride and accept I'm not a child, I know what the fuck a flu is, I'd have gratefully bought her some orange juice at work, and made her a Vitamin C-packed sub like I'd made myself when I was ill. I mean, it helped me feel better within 2 days. She's on day 3 and it's still knocking her down.
It's just...:/ The doctor in me wants to help.
But if I brought her the juice and the sub, she'd be insulted. Because I'd be telling her what she has and it'd insult her. So I just have to fucking deal with her saying she knows what she has and it's not contagious. Maybe my grandpa will be lucky and not catch it.
Ignorance is blissful torture. ~~ CLD (me)
Telling me, "I don't believe you have anything contagious", a week or so ago. 10 days later? She's ill with a slight fever (she says she had none, that a 2 degree rise wasn't one, it was coincidence), chills, aches, and simple exhaustion. Now she had a headache. JUST LIKE I DID. That hurts when she coughed. JUST LIKE WHEN I DID.
=.=
If she could fucking let go of her pride and accept I'm not a child, I know what the fuck a flu is, I'd have gratefully bought her some orange juice at work, and made her a Vitamin C-packed sub like I'd made myself when I was ill. I mean, it helped me feel better within 2 days. She's on day 3 and it's still knocking her down.
It's just...:/ The doctor in me wants to help.
But if I brought her the juice and the sub, she'd be insulted. Because I'd be telling her what she has and it'd insult her. So I just have to fucking deal with her saying she knows what she has and it's not contagious. Maybe my grandpa will be lucky and not catch it.
Ignorance is blissful torture. ~~ CLD (me)
Sunday, June 3, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
Eternal Exhaustation.
Church continues to absolutely infuriate me. Every Sunday it's a different flavor of bullshit.
I go there, sit down, start reading. I'm currently at yet another part of the Bible where God's killing every non-believer and spiting people. He just...LOVES killing. Lives are meaningless to him, he is such a jealous guy. Such a piss-ant. He can't stand not being in control. :/ Maybe that's why "He" left.
I must ask, where have all the prophets gone? If he was still around, wouldn't he talk to one person in the billions and billions? Guess not. I don't get people right now.
Communion...fucking pisses me off. I sit as EVERYONE ELSE goes up and does the bs. People want me saved or wonder what's wrong with me. What's wrong? I dunno, maybe I'm not here by choice. Maybe this is absolutely offensive to be forced to take part in a religion I can not and will not believe sans proof.
Can't even enjoy singing. It's...different. People don't sing to sing there, they sing for their damned beliefs. My voice doesn't even try to escape, despite her adoration to be released. She knows better. She gave up months ago.
Then people pray for those that "have not seen the truth".
=.=
Every Sunday just pisses me off. I don't care what you believe, at all, or what you do. Freedom of choice.
But what I do unto others is NOT being done unto me. I'd never force a religion unto others...even if I have kids, I'll present them with everything. Though they will obviously be biased towards my agnostic beliefs because I won't force church on them, and won't force circumcision on them if they're male (please let that be so). But they are free to believe what comes naturally to them.
I want a son because...I dunno. Well...one, we need more decent guys in this world, I'd try and raise one. Two, I would hate myself for cursing a daughter with the misery I've experienced throughout my life with multiple chemical imbalances inherited from both sides of my family...
Third, I won't let the father name him. His name will be Silas Isaac, there is no say in the matter :P I fell in love with the name Silas when I heard someone in my swim class with that name. I just love it. And Isaac because I love I names. Isaac and Ian. If the father were entirely opposed to Silas I might go with Ian...or Tyler.
Not having a kid anytime soon though. If I somehow get pregnant (god knows how; all i've been doing is internet stuff, LOL), I will abort. Sorry, but this is my body, and no one else is about to help me. I will find a way and abort...or, if things keep going as they have been, I'd miscarry. Cuz short cycles tend to mean a baby can't properly develop, and I've been at 23 days recently.
I have a damn church song stuck in my head. Church songs are simple and sans most harmonies. (sans means without; i use this word a lot, it's one of the words i think needs to come into use more often)
This is why they are so easy to sing.
I am an alto. The harmony is gorgeous, it can make so much of a song. I listen for harmonies in all songs. But nope, church songs are easy so the masses learn them after a few lines. Bah.
Still can't believe they're sending people to Nicaragua for the sake of enlightening those people who are going...and spreading the word of God.
How about you spread some of the damned money you're wasting around so they don't starve before you even get there?
jdfhfhnvhdsnsfdnjsdunhvju
People piss me off.
So does fb, it keeps glitching~
Time to...attempt to nap a bit before work. I feel eternally exhausted. Bah.
I go there, sit down, start reading. I'm currently at yet another part of the Bible where God's killing every non-believer and spiting people. He just...LOVES killing. Lives are meaningless to him, he is such a jealous guy. Such a piss-ant. He can't stand not being in control. :/ Maybe that's why "He" left.
I must ask, where have all the prophets gone? If he was still around, wouldn't he talk to one person in the billions and billions? Guess not. I don't get people right now.
Communion...fucking pisses me off. I sit as EVERYONE ELSE goes up and does the bs. People want me saved or wonder what's wrong with me. What's wrong? I dunno, maybe I'm not here by choice. Maybe this is absolutely offensive to be forced to take part in a religion I can not and will not believe sans proof.
Can't even enjoy singing. It's...different. People don't sing to sing there, they sing for their damned beliefs. My voice doesn't even try to escape, despite her adoration to be released. She knows better. She gave up months ago.
Then people pray for those that "have not seen the truth".
=.=
Every Sunday just pisses me off. I don't care what you believe, at all, or what you do. Freedom of choice.
But what I do unto others is NOT being done unto me. I'd never force a religion unto others...even if I have kids, I'll present them with everything. Though they will obviously be biased towards my agnostic beliefs because I won't force church on them, and won't force circumcision on them if they're male (please let that be so). But they are free to believe what comes naturally to them.
I want a son because...I dunno. Well...one, we need more decent guys in this world, I'd try and raise one. Two, I would hate myself for cursing a daughter with the misery I've experienced throughout my life with multiple chemical imbalances inherited from both sides of my family...
Third, I won't let the father name him. His name will be Silas Isaac, there is no say in the matter :P I fell in love with the name Silas when I heard someone in my swim class with that name. I just love it. And Isaac because I love I names. Isaac and Ian. If the father were entirely opposed to Silas I might go with Ian...or Tyler.
Not having a kid anytime soon though. If I somehow get pregnant (god knows how; all i've been doing is internet stuff, LOL), I will abort. Sorry, but this is my body, and no one else is about to help me. I will find a way and abort...or, if things keep going as they have been, I'd miscarry. Cuz short cycles tend to mean a baby can't properly develop, and I've been at 23 days recently.
I have a damn church song stuck in my head. Church songs are simple and sans most harmonies. (sans means without; i use this word a lot, it's one of the words i think needs to come into use more often)
This is why they are so easy to sing.
I am an alto. The harmony is gorgeous, it can make so much of a song. I listen for harmonies in all songs. But nope, church songs are easy so the masses learn them after a few lines. Bah.
Still can't believe they're sending people to Nicaragua for the sake of enlightening those people who are going...and spreading the word of God.
How about you spread some of the damned money you're wasting around so they don't starve before you even get there?
jdfhfhnvhdsnsfdnjsdunhvju
People piss me off.
So does fb, it keeps glitching~
Time to...attempt to nap a bit before work. I feel eternally exhausted. Bah.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
Kisses of the Sun.
Of course I'm not meeting Derek...that'd just make my life far too good. :/
Hurts to have it not happening. Again. Because of money. As per fucking usual...
Worked a bit longer today, my retard of a co-worker got fired for doing something retarded, not my fault. I told him he did the order wrong, I told the customer, neither did shit. Boss was watching the cameras and saw, drove over. Not my fault, but he still blames me, saying I called.
So tired. Fucking shots made my arms sore, which makes...something...a bit more difficult.
Met a few new people on CR. Used my cattiness cuz I felt like it, had some fun.
I'd trade it all to be with Derek though. I just...it's not fair...:/
Hurts to have it not happening. Again. Because of money. As per fucking usual...
Worked a bit longer today, my retard of a co-worker got fired for doing something retarded, not my fault. I told him he did the order wrong, I told the customer, neither did shit. Boss was watching the cameras and saw, drove over. Not my fault, but he still blames me, saying I called.
So tired. Fucking shots made my arms sore, which makes...something...a bit more difficult.
Met a few new people on CR. Used my cattiness cuz I felt like it, had some fun.
I'd trade it all to be with Derek though. I just...it's not fair...:/
Thursday, May 24, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
Udder Confusion.
Dear Blogland,
Who the hell do I know from Singapore?
Signed, not-THAT-well-traveled
P.S. Feel free to identify yourself, I'm curious who reads this dribble.
Who the hell do I know from Singapore?
Signed, not-THAT-well-traveled
P.S. Feel free to identify yourself, I'm curious who reads this dribble.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
The Flu Strikes Back
Whelp, now I officially have a fever, my thermometer even beeps at me. 101.1 F, or 100.2 F on it. (but it seems to for some stupid reason have the norm temperature at 97.7 so i have to do math when i use it)
This is my 2nd flu. Cannot beat the 1st one where my tonsils almost swelled entirely shut over my throat, leaving me having to drool if I planned on sleeping. But now, I have work.
Body aches, UGH. Chills? UGH. I just changed into flannel, and researched my thermometer and I have 100.4 F (sure of this now) temperature...and am roasting. Back to nudie. BAH.
Idk why I bother with my job. 17 hours this week, minimum fucking wage. Need to look for a new job. Tomorrow morning I have a college visit to plan things....sigh. I need to read up.
100.6 F now...YAY.
I wanna be healthy, this is NOT helping me figure my fucking life out.
I also want Derek to talk with me, but he's been too busy, bah...
Roasting, gtg, adios.
This is my 2nd flu. Cannot beat the 1st one where my tonsils almost swelled entirely shut over my throat, leaving me having to drool if I planned on sleeping. But now, I have work.
Body aches, UGH. Chills? UGH. I just changed into flannel, and researched my thermometer and I have 100.4 F (sure of this now) temperature...and am roasting. Back to nudie. BAH.
Idk why I bother with my job. 17 hours this week, minimum fucking wage. Need to look for a new job. Tomorrow morning I have a college visit to plan things....sigh. I need to read up.
100.6 F now...YAY.
I wanna be healthy, this is NOT helping me figure my fucking life out.
I also want Derek to talk with me, but he's been too busy, bah...
Roasting, gtg, adios.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
Chances Too Thin
Derek is a part of my life again....why? Sometimes I wonder. I vividly recall loathing him in former blog entries for what he did to me, twice now. But...
But there's a lot of reason why I didn't let him go...
My mom approved of him...he was like her Tim, like my Ducky...the dorky friend. Tim, the guy my mom should have married, but didn't...
She can NEVER approve of anyone else...she...can't...
He saved my life, so much...he's aggravated me before, hurt me before, but never, ever, with bad intentions...
He likes feeling wanted...I want him, and so he wants to meet me...Please...PLEASE...Karma, entropy, listen to me.
Entropy, listen, please. My only god in this world, you randomosity of this world...let he and I meet on June 25th. Let it work. Let it be as I've wanted for...so long.
I adore him and have been stalking him, lol. Creeping all over his fb and his bro's and his OkC. Not to be a creeper, but because I've been...SO bored recently. It's been absolutely boring as of late, he's been busy, and...I may be manic.
I've been waking up. AND STAYING. UP.
Must have been triggered by Derek coming back into my life, my entire world shifted, I feel...better. I'd say it's because of him, but he just triggered my body. I feel a physical difference. I dunno, chemistry is weird.
I am...likely gonna kill all of my phone minutes thanks to the goof though. Maybe it'll motivate me to buy a better phone, who knows.
---
Slept on it. Derek IM'd me and I stopped writing this. xD Never gonna finish this, posting.
But there's a lot of reason why I didn't let him go...
My mom approved of him...he was like her Tim, like my Ducky...the dorky friend. Tim, the guy my mom should have married, but didn't...
She can NEVER approve of anyone else...she...can't...
He saved my life, so much...he's aggravated me before, hurt me before, but never, ever, with bad intentions...
He likes feeling wanted...I want him, and so he wants to meet me...Please...PLEASE...Karma, entropy, listen to me.
Entropy, listen, please. My only god in this world, you randomosity of this world...let he and I meet on June 25th. Let it work. Let it be as I've wanted for...so long.
I adore him and have been stalking him, lol. Creeping all over his fb and his bro's and his OkC. Not to be a creeper, but because I've been...SO bored recently. It's been absolutely boring as of late, he's been busy, and...I may be manic.
I've been waking up. AND STAYING. UP.
Must have been triggered by Derek coming back into my life, my entire world shifted, I feel...better. I'd say it's because of him, but he just triggered my body. I feel a physical difference. I dunno, chemistry is weird.
I am...likely gonna kill all of my phone minutes thanks to the goof though. Maybe it'll motivate me to buy a better phone, who knows.
---
Slept on it. Derek IM'd me and I stopped writing this. xD Never gonna finish this, posting.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
And The World Caves In
You know you had a rough work day when you don't even want to watch a funny video by your favorite internet celebrity.
Life is complicated, so are people. And the cute boys are NEVER interested.
Sigh. Missed a beautiful day, everyone said it was amazing out, EVERYONE. :( 11 to 8:30...
Today will grow a nest of pimples on my face, so much stress...
How does one keep 99 pokeballs in their tiny bag, and all those berries, and a bike..........
this is not sparta, i am lost
Life is complicated, so are people. And the cute boys are NEVER interested.
Sigh. Missed a beautiful day, everyone said it was amazing out, EVERYONE. :( 11 to 8:30...
Today will grow a nest of pimples on my face, so much stress...
How does one keep 99 pokeballs in their tiny bag, and all those berries, and a bike..........
this is not sparta, i am lost
Friday, May 11, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
End It All
Physical pain atm, kinda wanna vomit. Got caught up late playing a game that I already was mad at myself for staying up late playing, now I'm in trouble. I've no one to hold me and I feel rather down...
*sighs*...less Hidden:Source for me...
*sighs*...less Hidden:Source for me...
Friday, April 27, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
My Tomatoes are not Fingers.
Reverse the nouns.
Today was SO not my day. Pissed my co-worker off because she thought I rolled my eyes at her. (i'm not stupid; even if i HAD, i'd never have done it in front of her; and i didn't, i was just confused by her overly-general question)
Mistook fingers for 'maters. Sliced some nice, clean striped onto the backs of my left index and middle fingers, top segments. Slight slits through nails too, but only slight. Didn't hurt when it happened, just shocked me. Kinda an electric pain, a.k.a. shocky but no hurt. It hurt an hour later. And when I used the 2nd alcohol swab an hour after it happened.....I kinda shrieked.
So black woman comes in, one of the ones that looks older and could easily say, "mmmmhm." Starts mumbling about wanting a turkey sub, I ask her size and type of bread, she mumbles...thought she said half, but she corrects me when I ask. Then asks what type of bread has the salami and bologna...I'm like...wat? You mean a Cold Cut Combo? She says yeah, I ask her again the type of bread and sub...she says Italian, then asks something I barely heard, I try and confirm her order...someone beeps. She acts kinda...freaked. Mumbles. I'm confused, imagined it was just angry people outside in the plaza.
She says something to my co-worker, I'm working on the sub, wondering about the continued beeping, she tells me to hurry it up, that she already told me she needed to get outside cuz it was her kid. I didn't know! I hurry up, she demands LOTS of oil, and Mayo. I put on mayo, and oil on the bottom of the sub, drench it...then she asks for veggies. Oy vey. So I do it. She eventually just leaves...
Comes back in 10 minutes or more and says there was no oil on her sub whatsoever, and that I wrapped it horrible and basically shoved it sideways into the bag. Fortunately my co-worker saw me and knew this was a COMPLETE lie. It was a 10 minute verbal stand-off with my co-worker being nice and the customer being just.....ugh.
Moral of the story? This was NOT my day.
Today was SO not my day. Pissed my co-worker off because she thought I rolled my eyes at her. (i'm not stupid; even if i HAD, i'd never have done it in front of her; and i didn't, i was just confused by her overly-general question)
Mistook fingers for 'maters. Sliced some nice, clean striped onto the backs of my left index and middle fingers, top segments. Slight slits through nails too, but only slight. Didn't hurt when it happened, just shocked me. Kinda an electric pain, a.k.a. shocky but no hurt. It hurt an hour later. And when I used the 2nd alcohol swab an hour after it happened.....I kinda shrieked.
So black woman comes in, one of the ones that looks older and could easily say, "mmmmhm." Starts mumbling about wanting a turkey sub, I ask her size and type of bread, she mumbles...thought she said half, but she corrects me when I ask. Then asks what type of bread has the salami and bologna...I'm like...wat? You mean a Cold Cut Combo? She says yeah, I ask her again the type of bread and sub...she says Italian, then asks something I barely heard, I try and confirm her order...someone beeps. She acts kinda...freaked. Mumbles. I'm confused, imagined it was just angry people outside in the plaza.
She says something to my co-worker, I'm working on the sub, wondering about the continued beeping, she tells me to hurry it up, that she already told me she needed to get outside cuz it was her kid. I didn't know! I hurry up, she demands LOTS of oil, and Mayo. I put on mayo, and oil on the bottom of the sub, drench it...then she asks for veggies. Oy vey. So I do it. She eventually just leaves...
Comes back in 10 minutes or more and says there was no oil on her sub whatsoever, and that I wrapped it horrible and basically shoved it sideways into the bag. Fortunately my co-worker saw me and knew this was a COMPLETE lie. It was a 10 minute verbal stand-off with my co-worker being nice and the customer being just.....ugh.
Moral of the story? This was NOT my day.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
Enter The Broom
Eww new blogger EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. I miss the sienna/tan. :(
It's raining out. And today was odd.
Very few customers today. Spent most of the time working with Rob, who is apparently gonna give his 2 weeks notice soon. Too bad :/ He's one of the tolerable people. A male (no no gossip) who does his job and doesn't get annoyed with me, is simply reasonable.
...and had a guy ask for my number. Worked at the pizza place next door. I honestly did grin because...it was a first. It's never happened to me before. But honestly it was more a grin for the compliment. He did not appeal to me at all. Then he tried to talk to me and offer me free pizza, I declined, he didn't believe I was taken, then said I should have an open relationship, I just......turned into, cold shoulder bitch. He's a LOT like the 2nd James in my life. He'd have taken advantage of me, I was not attracted to him at all, and he fucking disrespected the fact I have a boyfriend. I may lace his next sub with exlax. -.-
It was flattering though to be wanted. A self-esteem boost is all xD
Oh my gooooddddd. I was so horny today I was like...ready to rape everything that moved. The horniness was...just...overwhelming. And I have a feeling it was showing, cuz I'm fairly certain 2 guys total took interest in me today. Probably was pheromones, I imagine I'm producing the primordial scent that humans don't know they catch a waft of and it's influencing others. Bah. It's driving me loco.
Brb while I go find a dildo for once in my life~ (i wish)
It's raining out. And today was odd.
Very few customers today. Spent most of the time working with Rob, who is apparently gonna give his 2 weeks notice soon. Too bad :/ He's one of the tolerable people. A male (no no gossip) who does his job and doesn't get annoyed with me, is simply reasonable.
...and had a guy ask for my number. Worked at the pizza place next door. I honestly did grin because...it was a first. It's never happened to me before. But honestly it was more a grin for the compliment. He did not appeal to me at all. Then he tried to talk to me and offer me free pizza, I declined, he didn't believe I was taken, then said I should have an open relationship, I just......turned into, cold shoulder bitch. He's a LOT like the 2nd James in my life. He'd have taken advantage of me, I was not attracted to him at all, and he fucking disrespected the fact I have a boyfriend. I may lace his next sub with exlax. -.-
It was flattering though to be wanted. A self-esteem boost is all xD
Oh my gooooddddd. I was so horny today I was like...ready to rape everything that moved. The horniness was...just...overwhelming. And I have a feeling it was showing, cuz I'm fairly certain 2 guys total took interest in me today. Probably was pheromones, I imagine I'm producing the primordial scent that humans don't know they catch a waft of and it's influencing others. Bah. It's driving me loco.
Brb while I go find a dildo for once in my life~ (i wish)
Friday, April 20, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
Run Away
Run away is the depression/suicide feeling. Some way, any way....you just have to leave your problems because otherwise they will overwhelm you, and suicide is what you decide if you have no run away choice...
Work just drained me last night...and today, for some reason I was just...out of it. And I pissed my grandma off for not being chatty...I get up at the time she tells me to, 10, every fucking morning. Asking me to ALSO force happy is just...-.- If I wake up naturally, I'm chatty. But if I force myself up, NO. I won't be. Then, when I thought about it, SOMETIMES I WAS.
Work just drained me last night...and today, for some reason I was just...out of it. And I pissed my grandma off for not being chatty...I get up at the time she tells me to, 10, every fucking morning. Asking me to ALSO force happy is just...-.- If I wake up naturally, I'm chatty. But if I force myself up, NO. I won't be. Then, when I thought about it, SOMETIMES I WAS.
WITH. MY. MOM.
MY. MOM.
They are NOT my mom. My mom got me, I loved talking to her. They aren't the fucking same. I don't want to talk about work when I just get home. YES, I'M SORRY I'M JUST LIKE MY DAD IN THAT RESPECT. SO FUCKING SORRY FOR MY GENETICS.
They are NOT my mom. My mom got me, I loved talking to her. They aren't the fucking same. I don't want to talk about work when I just get home. YES, I'M SORRY I'M JUST LIKE MY DAD IN THAT RESPECT. SO FUCKING SORRY FOR MY GENETICS.
I mean...at the end of my shift...honestly...I just...I couldn't even...be my mom's perky work self. I just had to force a smile, and normally I'm really good at being customer friendly. I just...>_<
Every day is a work day. Even my day off because it's fucking church, hypocrites forcing me to go to something I DON'T BELIEVE IN.
My aunt will agree with my grandparents...I'm being rude, have no manners, never was taught, need to be more friendly or something...idk...or maybe not, but probably...then I'll get an hour speech...just.......
*screams* I want to move over there with Jake...oh yeah...got a redhead bf, for some reason I think I'm secretly happy about the ginger part, lol...if only green eyes...but silver is lovely too. But if I go I'd never be allowed back with anyone. My grandparents would reject me. I just don't know anymore, it's too fucking complicated.
I was growling and sneering at the world on my walk. I was biting all onlookers. No privacy.
*screams* I want to move over there with Jake...oh yeah...got a redhead bf, for some reason I think I'm secretly happy about the ginger part, lol...if only green eyes...but silver is lovely too. But if I go I'd never be allowed back with anyone. My grandparents would reject me. I just don't know anymore, it's too fucking complicated.
I was growling and sneering at the world on my walk. I was biting all onlookers. No privacy.
I don't want to lose this blog but I think Jake's a safe bet and Idk why...sigh...either he'll be scared off or he'll accept...idk...run away...just.........
...
...
p.s. 4/20/69...happy birthday mom...
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
Sun In The Sky, You Know How I Feel...
The fucking world...bah. I just need money. I have $363 in the bank that I can't use a penny of, because the world is not yet advanced enough. I asked for online banking when I made my bank account, but now I fucked up creating an account cuz they didn't already make one for me, and now it'll take several days. And Paypal will take a few days at least. Just...<<;
Yesterday was brilliant, my period came like a tidal wave of pain and blood but with it came relief from my moody bitchiness and misery.
Yesterday was brilliant, my period came like a tidal wave of pain and blood but with it came relief from my moody bitchiness and misery.
Now my misery is back but it's just a mood swing. Still hurts though.
My mind's fogging a bit. Might be the trillion cookies I ate today, and all the soda and meats.
I was right though, my period came 4 days early. I can't tell if my current horniness is pre-ovu though. Oh well...but these fucking short cycles ARE. MURDER. -_- I don't mind the (costly) periods. I mind the fact they fuck me over emotionally for 2 weeks, worse than normal pms...
I was right though, my period came 4 days early. I can't tell if my current horniness is pre-ovu though. Oh well...but these fucking short cycles ARE. MURDER. -_- I don't mind the (costly) periods. I mind the fact they fuck me over emotionally for 2 weeks, worse than normal pms...
Monday, April 9, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
arrgblrgflerbgrrdrpleglrblfrg
Here is a kitty.
Here is another kitty.
:D
I feel less stressed already. But yeah, fucking Aunt stressed the fucking crap out of me. 2 fucking hours of being told all my manners are improper and I offend everyone. UGH.
I swear I wanted to scream and rip people's throats out.
:/
Bah. Also, my PMS is just getting worse and worse. I have two gigantic pain-balls on-top of my rib cage, and my stress is half because of the pms. I have been so spiteful.
Also, for SOME FUCKING REASON, my body temperature has sucked ass. I'm freezing. Have been for a week. And will be until my period. PLEASE come oh savior periodot. I sleep and wake up sweating, I wake and am freezing EVERYWHERE, the shiver CONSTANTLY in my spine. CONSTANTLY.
:/
Bah. Also, my PMS is just getting worse and worse. I have two gigantic pain-balls on-top of my rib cage, and my stress is half because of the pms. I have been so spiteful.
Also, for SOME FUCKING REASON, my body temperature has sucked ass. I'm freezing. Have been for a week. And will be until my period. PLEASE come oh savior periodot. I sleep and wake up sweating, I wake and am freezing EVERYWHERE, the shiver CONSTANTLY in my spine. CONSTANTLY.
zdh...all the rest of my keyboard spam went on another page. ejfhmjjs is not on my msn contacts list, apparently.
*shivers* This body chill my pms is causing is INSANE. It's like...Idk. It's just bothersome. It's not like a fever, it's just...I'm cold. As though I am anemic or something I guess.
hffuhjddjfjgfvhchdjrhxuwai
ihggyueryhgyrgyv.
x.o
*shivers* This body chill my pms is causing is INSANE. It's like...Idk. It's just bothersome. It's not like a fever, it's just...I'm cold. As though I am anemic or something I guess.
hffuhjddjfjgfvhchdjrhxuwai
ihggyueryhgyrgyv.
x.o
Sunday, April 1, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
New Blogger Interface Looks Unprofessional.
Really...it's just...white. It looks like what a new coder would make. Just...boring, white, plain.
*yawns* I've run out of things to say already, SO. That's all. Blogger, let me keep the old, much more aesthetically-pleasing layout. Kthx.
*yawns* I've run out of things to say already, SO. That's all. Blogger, let me keep the old, much more aesthetically-pleasing layout. Kthx.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
End the Final Swift.
Early ovulation is always troublesome. Makes me want every possible guy.
...though to be honest, though it's fading a TAD, I still wanna pin down the lead singer of The Rocket Summer and make love to him. God damn I am so full of want. Not as bad as before but...bah. It doesn't help that I haven't had any in a while.
Maybe if I'd never first stimulated my little femme friend, the temptation wouldn't exist. But it does now, and I've tasted the sweets of other fruits. So I am hopelessly addicted. And can't really do anything about it with my grandparents surrounding my life. Sigh. At least you listen to me, Rosebush. I suppose I don't regret not allowing anyone into my inner sanctum but for an occasional random view, and those people do not know me. And even if they did, they would only know me from ONE website...
...and they'd all be guys trying to learn more about me. I'd scare them off. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
I like scaring off guys. I don't want to be with someone who can't handle the spazz-in-a-box I am.
So full of thought, mania, blah. Guess I didn't fall into depression, it was simply pms being a bitch as she ALWAYS is.
Reading The Hunger Games. Not gonna watch the movie though cuz I kinda wanna use the corer I use on tomatoes at work, on her face. Her freaking...oy vey. She pisses me off. Idk why. She just does. Stabby stabby happy happy...*snort*
I don't think about my love. I know I can trust my dad with my beauty's health. But I do miss her. And I know she misses me. She is lovely. Teared up though even typing this.
My other love can go to hell at the moment, I'm tired of it. He decided to ignore me again. I am done with being ignored. I love the man but he is...so fucking aggravating sometimes. :/
I miss companionship. At least Tom helps with that, he's such a sweetheart...at least I have someone. I don't like to be alone...
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
I Had A Dream...
I had a dream last night...well...today. It'd have been night if I were lucky and lived in Australia where my inner clock seems set to for some reason...which is making my life very difficult...but anyhow...
Mom was still alive...at least it wasn't one of my, "She didn't actually die, to be honest" dreams where I kind-of got a little confused and wondered why I called her dead when she survived...
Or one where she was a zombie or binge drinking again. No, zombie was not good. It was extremely disturbing when all it was was your mom's appearance at the end of her life, simply with a little decay. She was already skin-and-bones, yellowed and greyed...zombifying her just took torn flesh...
She was the...voice of reason. Now, I want you all to know, I DON'T believe dreams are "trying to tell us something" with "different objects meaning different things"...
Dreams are our memories and our mind sifting them, making new connections, figuring out problems as we sleep.
Or one where she was a zombie or binge drinking again. No, zombie was not good. It was extremely disturbing when all it was was your mom's appearance at the end of her life, simply with a little decay. She was already skin-and-bones, yellowed and greyed...zombifying her just took torn flesh...
She was the...voice of reason. Now, I want you all to know, I DON'T believe dreams are "trying to tell us something" with "different objects meaning different things"...
Dreams are our memories and our mind sifting them, making new connections, figuring out problems as we sleep.
So she was the voice of reason. My dad was strict and upset and she warned me but I was too late. I was in major trouble.
I remember my grandparents being in it...they were...the source of stress and blgh. Yes, blgh...:/
I...vented enough about why I'm mad at my dad atm elsewhere so don't feel like blogging it...goodbye for now.
Monday, March 19, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
Brain Distract Toast.
Trying a new website called Jango.
Alright, was gonna go on, but gotta say, the lead singer of The Rocket Summer has a sexy voice and is pretty hot. God damn I'm ovulating early for sure.
ANYHOW. It's fairly decent. Sends me to a lyrics website that annoys me, but doesn't have limits like pandora.com does.
If there's one thing true about Andy, it's that he likes similar music to mine...mostly.
... BAH. I am horny and lusty and flirty again. I'll probably ovulate early and start early. FML.
Let's see. I'm permitted meet a boy nearby that I met online at last. It's nice, it's difficult to sway the minds of older generations...
Suddenly, bad mood. Derek can just...gfh. Figure out what that means. But I'm tired of this. I love the guy but the silent treatment is just...fucking rude. I can't forgive for the same mistake twice. I can't forgive him doing something that he knows hurts me, TWICE. I'm just...done with that bullshit already.
Mmk done brain distracted.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
Flip Pad III
"Scattering the liquid joy of life from his ambrosial tresses"
((from a very long poem on my teacher's wall; how can one avoid the gutter with this quote?))
TPD - islands are 'prisons' for the incurables/misfits
((from a very long poem on my teacher's wall; how can one avoid the gutter with this quote?))
---
In the atomic puzzle:
- not all pieces fit together
- some pieces go to many puzzles
- some pieces belong to different puzzles
- life is a jigsaw puzzle
-- we need to look at the pieces to determine how to make the big picture
---
"I can't take it anymore...I have to poop!" ~ Tiffany
---
"I can't take it anymore...I have to poop!" ~ Tiffany
---
We have a shed...a trampoline that's home to yellow jackets...we have wood...
---
Atoms of a marker?
---
Atomic/chemical reactions that make plants grow leaves, petals, or fruits? How?
---
---
5-12-08: Jon was pleasing a banana.
---
I have to consult with my potatoes!!!
---
"I call him Fishie because he's a fish."
"I call her Melanie because she's a melon."
"I call her Melanie because she's a melon."
~ Lil Bush quote
---
"Everyone's got my shorts on!" ~ Chris
---
Guys do nothing but whine. Whine whine whine whine whine!!!
---
My warm, newly-printed paper lost its heat too quickly on my cold desk -_-;
---
This Perfect Day
-----------------------> Falkland Islands is the link between the novels
Brave New World
-----------------------> Falkland Islands is the link between the novels
Brave New World
TPD - islands are secret, was possible choice to go to
BNW - where misfits are sent
TPD - islands are 'prisons' for the incurables/misfits
BNW - islands quarantine the misfits
---
"Curiouser and curiouser." ~ Alice from the novel (alice in wonderland)
---
Why do certain "shells" of electrons only hold so many? Why not in between? Greater forces at work?
---
"cocodot" ~ Ariel
---
"I ate civilization." ~ Brave New World
---
Grey > gray
---
"Blind hole in the ground." ~ BNW
---
Jesus Christ = Cheese n' rice
---
"Miss Universe could love me passionately, and it wouldn't make a difference if it weren't...you..." ~ My first boyfriend
---
The Solar Atomic
((my thoughts about how an atom looks similar to a solar system, and a solar system looks similar to a galaxy))
---
When the only way you can comfort someone is with written or typed words...no hugs, kisses, pretty little things like that...you have to use all of your heart to show each other your love...
---
"And all out yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death."
"Besides, thy best of rest is sleep and that thou oft provok'st; yet grossly fear'st thy death which is no more."
"For in that sleep of death, what dreams?"
((cannot recall reference, i labeled as BNW and Gloucester))
"Besides, thy best of rest is sleep and that thou oft provok'st; yet grossly fear'st thy death which is no more."
"For in that sleep of death, what dreams?"
((cannot recall reference, i labeled as BNW and Gloucester))
---
Buried alive, eyes spooned out, lips sewn shut.
((an episode of SVU that actually disturbed me))
---
"Name-tags weigh a lot...on your SOUL!!!" ~ Mr. D
---
Schooliosis - curvature of the spine due to school-induced lethargy.
---
Wanna know another reason why I think (you're gay/you suck)? Because (you're gay/you suck).
((think i was just making a reversible joke, meant to be perverse, not offensive; note the "suck"))
---
In reference to "swallowing": I eat babehs!!
---
Vegetarians destroy the environment by killing things that photosynthesize our oxygen!!! CO2 overload!!!
---
I'm gonna move you down on my friends list!
or
That's it! You're not a top friend anymore!
((lame myspace anger ideas))
((lame myspace anger ideas))
---
I understand The Thinker statue. He thinks his whole life, never getting anything done. (never got dressed, takes too much thought) (sits in thinking position, eternally in thought)
Irony? I'm deep in the thinker pose over The Thinker. Hmm.
Irony? I'm deep in the thinker pose over The Thinker. Hmm.
---
"Probably the saddest sight you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy."
---
---
"Did you make out with that guy okay?" ~ Vice Principle
---
Halo is sun orbiting around earth/angel.
---
bellybeans!
---
David, "Ya wanna know what I like doing?"
Alex, "Girls?"
---
Tingly Ligaments - tongue twister
---
The Devil's Hairpin
---
Can you PLEASE stop breathing?
((people breathing too loudly near me during test)))
((people breathing too loudly near me during test)))
---
Human pupae wandering the halls.
---
"Periods 1 and 2 will self destruct upon contact."
((what I WISH was on the morning announcements at school))
((what I WISH was on the morning announcements at school))
---
"If she's a drug, she's gone."
---
---
Alvue!
((^ i love you))
((^ i love you))
---
What if people randomly exploded?
---
---
"High-school toilets are all the same; they sound like 747s taking off. I've always hated pushing that handle. It makes you sure that the sound is clearly audible in the adjacent classroom and that everyone is thinking: Well, there goes another load." ~ Charlie Decker from Rage by Richard Bachman ((a.k.a. Stephen King))
---
"They 'did' hug." ~ Molly
((the way she said it was funny, wasn't referring to past tense, was saying she did a hug))
---
You must eat enough of the atoms in order to create new DNA strands and react chemically to get and use energy from the reactions.
---
Bob. James Bob.
---
"What's his name?"
"Dick."
"Where'd you meet him?"
"In my pants."
"Dick."
"Where'd you meet him?"
"In my pants."
---
"Polkaspots" ~ Ashley B
---
"What? Are you so boring that she gave you a blowjob and she fell asleep?"
---
"Want to pull my trigger?"
"Is your safety on?"
"Is your safety on?"
---
Evolutionary benefit of right brain controlling left side of body?
---
"I has broom!"
"I has shoe! *throws* I miss!"
---
Energy - atoms of sugar, of starches, solved
---
Breathing...O to CO2? Why does that energize?
---
I have ten drillion dollars!
---
My boob senses are tingling! There's a period afoot!
---
She's my aunt girlfriend!
---
How would you feel if the world felt you were a flea?
---
"And every sound that floats
from the rust within their throats
from the rust within their throats
is a groan." ~ The Bells
tintinavulate
---
"Why are there fences around graveyards?"
"Because people are just dying to get in."
---
"Because people are just dying to get in."
---
"Eyes of pure, deep azure..." ~ Garden of Everything
---
I'm not just a lawyer...I'm doctor lawyer!!
---
AFAP - as fast as possible
---
"Life's a beach at WHS"
---
Why DOES heat rise?
((i think i know the answer to this one now))
((i think i know the answer to this one now))
---
Time is a probability.
---
Making hay = sleeping?
---
"I wish I had an Oscar-Meyer Weiner..." ~ friend
"Yeah, I know a lot of guys that do." ~ Me
"Yeah, I know a lot of guys that do." ~ Me
---
"ipple!" words
---
I study the capillaries of existence.
---
menopause = mental pause
---
"I thought you were a boy..."
"Nope, I have a womb."
---
"Nope, I have a womb."
---
"When Brittney Spears went around flashing people with her hooha, she didn't mean to offend anyone...
She just wanted a 'womb' with a view!" ~ my dad
---
Immortality - atomic replacement?
---
Dandle
---
Kids are mature as teens, they want to leave their parents because it's NATURAL.
---
Technerio
---
Hir
---
Oie
---
Projectile shitting.
---
"Count sheep or your rolls of fat or something..." ~ Shin Chan
---
"Time" travel is not possible.
---
In a "flacker" of wings.
---
How do bats have sex?
---
---
"This is war," claims Ruby, "and it's the only weapon we've got." ~ Peeling the Onion
((lazy nurses not bringing bed pans when called...face consequences))
((lazy nurses not bringing bed pans when called...face consequences))
---
"Swallow, wait, and anticipate." - PtO
---
"Woolly blackness" ~ PtO
---
"Ruby's decided that I'm stranded and has sent her to collect me." ~ PtO
---
"On a clear night, you can hear them ((donkeys))" ~ my dad
---
AND THAT IS THE END of that flip pad. Just emptied out a lil pocket in it, let's see...
February 22nd is National Porn n' Cupcake Day.
And wow...it seems...one thing escaped me. A letter from my first beloved, sent with 20 irises, the lyrics to the song Iris, and an "I love you" message. I'm...glad it's finally stopped hurting me. He will always have a little piece of me, but at least I no longer feel so hurt that I have to destroy everything that reminds me of him. I kind-of wish I still had that photograph. But c'est la vie...
Thursday, March 15, 2012
|
By:
Anzel
Subway FTW.
So yesterday I was handing in job applications and Subway hired me. (like a boss)
Today was my first day, only 2 hours. Let me tell you the differences between KFC and Subway:
KFC
Today was my first day, only 2 hours. Let me tell you the differences between KFC and Subway:
KFC
--- Free things-we-can't-serve-customers (things that expire or fall, but only a few things, most are off-limits and must be tossed)
--- Free water
--- Half off of your meal on your break, only useable one time that day, order must be worth less than 8 dollars (before discount), desserts cannot be given a discount
--- Free small employee drink during break and ONLY during break (employee small = 2/3rds KFC small)
--- 25-45% of people work together and communicate
Subway
--- Free Cookies
--- Free Soda
--- Free 6" (less than 4 hour shift) or Foot-long (>4 hour shift) every workday
--- Everyone works together
So...you now see.
--- Free water
--- Half off of your meal on your break, only useable one time that day, order must be worth less than 8 dollars (before discount), desserts cannot be given a discount
--- Free small employee drink during break and ONLY during break (employee small = 2/3rds KFC small)
--- 25-45% of people work together and communicate
Subway
--- Free Cookies
--- Free Soda
--- Free 6" (less than 4 hour shift) or Foot-long (>4 hour shift) every workday
--- Everyone works together
So...you now see.
Both have a "Guy". The guy who owns Subway isn't actually NAMED Guy though, unlike at KFC. But he sounds more harmless than Guy ever was.
And if there are cute boys I always get a chance to talk to them. Might only be discussing lettuce and banana peppers BUT IT'S TALK.
I was ordered to make a 6" sub because I felt so...out-of-place xD Like I shouldn't be allowed. But she ordered me to make one for myself because I didn't feel right doing it xD Ham/cheese/pepperoni/mustard ftw. I also had a chocolate cookie and Barq's Root Beer. Ftw.
FTW.
And if there are cute boys I always get a chance to talk to them. Might only be discussing lettuce and banana peppers BUT IT'S TALK.
I was ordered to make a 6" sub because I felt so...out-of-place xD Like I shouldn't be allowed. But she ordered me to make one for myself because I didn't feel right doing it xD Ham/cheese/pepperoni/mustard ftw. I also had a chocolate cookie and Barq's Root Beer. Ftw.
FTW.
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About me
- Anzel
- If you can't handle cold truths and blunt facts, step away. I use this blog to speak my mind, and will put down every gruesome detail in order to do it. You've been warned.
About Me
- Anzel
- If you can't handle cold truths and blunt facts, step away. I use this blog to speak my mind, and will put down every gruesome detail in order to do it. You've been warned.